Guest guest Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 I have been a Hospice volunteer for 6 years now. You and your family are in good hands. Glad things are going well for you. Hang in there, drlingirl > > I wrote earlier that my mom went on hospice and that my husband and I > planned to visit her later in the week. Well, she went from alert and > conscious though sleepy on Monday night - to no consciousness on Tuesday > afternoon. My brother asked me to come and help him, so I am now here. Many > things have been good - it really is a blessing that she is not conscious > and is not in pain. She will not be given food or liquids per her wishes - > comfort care only. So, it is a matter of time at this point. There have > been a lot of things to navigate including a well meaning and helpful friend > who has become more than a bit too controlling and overbearing about my > mom's care. And I am really tired, but overall grateful - things could be > and could have been much worse. Have been able to make a bunch of future > plans with my brother - thank fully we are really on the same page about her > care and what happens afterward. > > MY > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 Hang in there. This is tough, no matter what your relationship was. It sounds like you're getting to make peace with the whole situation. We'll be thinking of you - > > I wrote earlier that my mom went on hospice and that my husband and I > planned to visit her later in the week. Well, she went from alert and > conscious though sleepy on Monday night - to no consciousness on Tuesday > afternoon. My brother asked me to come and help him, so I am now here. Many > things have been good - it really is a blessing that she is not conscious > and is not in pain. She will not be given food or liquids per her wishes - > comfort care only. So, it is a matter of time at this point. There have > been a lot of things to navigate including a well meaning and helpful friend > who has become more than a bit too controlling and overbearing about my > mom's care. And I am really tired, but overall grateful - things could be > and could have been much worse. Have been able to make a bunch of future > plans with my brother - thank fully we are really on the same page about her > care and what happens afterward. > > MY > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 (((((((MY))))))) No matter what the relationship has been, it can be hard to say a final goodbye to a parent. I'm glad for you that you and your brother have each other's love and support and are there in person for each other, that is such a blessing. I hope the obnoxious friend will have some empathy for you and your brother and back off. best wishes, -Annie > > I wrote earlier that my mom went on hospice and that my husband and I > planned to visit her later in the week. Well, she went from alert and > conscious though sleepy on Monday night - to no consciousness on Tuesday > afternoon. My brother asked me to come and help him, so I am now here. Many > things have been good - it really is a blessing that she is not conscious > and is not in pain. She will not be given food or liquids per her wishes - > comfort care only. So, it is a matter of time at this point. There have > been a lot of things to navigate including a well meaning and helpful friend > who has become more than a bit too controlling and overbearing about my > mom's care. And I am really tired, but overall grateful - things could be > and could have been much worse. Have been able to make a bunch of future > plans with my brother - thank fully we are really on the same page about her > care and what happens afterward. > > MY > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 Thank you everyone for your kind messages. I really, really appreciate them. One thing that I think I can reallly only say here and to my husband is - I did not get here while she was conscious and that has turned out to be a huge blessing .(I did not feel like I needed to see her at all before she died so I mean in contrast to if she were conscious.) She is not so scary to me unconscious, she is not able to push all of my buttons by demanding things and switching between the waif and the queen in her dying, I don't have to deal with her waffling about every decision and then her doubt of it afterward - I am just making them for her (like no feeding tube, etc.). In a wierd way, having her unconscious has enabled me to care for her in a way that I never could have if she were conscious. If she were conscious, I would already have gone back home, but I find myself able to be here and to actually be glad to be part of the process. I'm so glad I can expres this here and that you all understand. Many people here assume that I am or should be upset that I did not see her when she was conscious and would be mortified that I am actually really, really glad that I did not and find relief in being with her in her current state. Thank you all. MY > I wrote earlier that my mom went on hospice and that my husband and I > planned to visit her later in the week. Well, she went from alert and > conscious though sleepy on Monday night - to no consciousness on Tuesday > afternoon. My brother asked me to come and help him, so I am now here. Many > things have been good - it really is a blessing that she is not conscious > and is not in pain. She will not be given food or liquids per her wishes - > comfort care only. So, it is a matter of time at this point. There have > been a lot of things to navigate including a well meaning and helpful friend > who has become more than a bit too controlling and overbearing about my > mom's care. And I am really tired, but overall grateful - things could be > and could have been much worse. Have been able to make a bunch of future > plans with my brother - thank fully we are really on the same page about her > care and what happens afterward. > > MY > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 Things have been status quo for the last 24 hours or so - Nada is unconscious but appears to be comfortable and peaceful. The only thing right now that I keep having some anxiety about (well other than her friend who continues to push all of my buttons, but today she was only hear for about 2 hours rather than all day - and she doesn't make me anxious, just mad) is that the Hospice nurse said today when we asked her about how long it might be - she said it could be up to 2 - 3 weeks! I have been operating on the assumption that it would be just a few days and had no idea that someone could live that long without food or more importantly fluids. Though when I read the Hospice info, which is very helpful, she still does not have several of the signs you are likely to see in the last few days or hours - like mottled skin on hands and feet. I know I can not know what is going to happen, but I feel like if that is the case then we really need to come up with a different plan than what we are currently doing. My brother and I can not just be at her house almost constantly for the next 2 - 3 weeks. I will want to go back home and be with my family if it is more than a few days more. I don't want to abandon my brother to take care of everything though. And unless one of us is available to continue to do the primary caregiving then she will either need to have a different plan than the current hospice situation or we will have to hand control back to the over bearing friend. It may be fine overall to just hand things back to the friend as long as I am not hear to see/experience it. We have 24 hour care from in home aids, but they won't qualify as a primary caregiver for hospice - needs to be someone who knows her and is more consistent. My husband and kids came today and will go back home tomorrow. If she is still the same by Sunday morning, I think I will need to go back home too and try to figure out a plan with my brother. Thank you. MY > Thank you everyone for your kind messages. I really, really appreciate > them. > > One thing that I think I can reallly only say here and to my husband is - I > did not get here while she was conscious and that has turned out to be a > huge blessing .(I did not feel like I needed to see her at all before she > died so I mean in contrast to if she were conscious.) She is not so scary to > me unconscious, she is not able to push all of my buttons by demanding > things and switching between the waif and the queen in her dying, I don't > have to deal with her waffling about every decision and then her doubt of it > afterward - I am just making them for her (like no feeding tube, etc.). In a > wierd way, having her unconscious has enabled me to care for her in a way > that I never could have if she were conscious. If she were conscious, I > would already have gone back home, but I find myself able to be here and to > actually be glad to be part of the process. > > I'm so glad I can expres this here and that you all understand. Many people > here assume that I am or should be upset that I did not see her when she was > conscious and would be mortified that I am actually really, really glad that > I did not and find relief in being with her in her current state. > > Thank you all. > > MY > > >> I wrote earlier that my mom went on hospice and that my husband and I >> planned to visit her later in the week. Well, she went from alert and >> conscious though sleepy on Monday night - to no consciousness on Tuesday >> afternoon. My brother asked me to come and help him, so I am now here. Many >> things have been good - it really is a blessing that she is not conscious >> and is not in pain. She will not be given food or liquids per her wishes - >> comfort care only. So, it is a matter of time at this point. There have >> been a lot of things to navigate including a well meaning and helpful friend >> who has become more than a bit too controlling and overbearing about my >> mom's care. And I am really tired, but overall grateful - things could be >> and could have been much worse. Have been able to make a bunch of future >> plans with my brother - thank fully we are really on the same page about her >> care and what happens afterward. >> >> MY >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2010 Report Share Posted September 17, 2010 MY - It sounds like this has gone from being a sprint to a marathon of sorts, so you will have to settle in for a longer haul than expected I think this is one of those times when you pull out all the stops and go " Full General Patton " for the duration. You and your brother can schedule 24 or 48 hours shifts to stay at her house. If there are health aides there, you will have time to sleep or run to the store if needed (to give yourself a break), and you won't be running back and forth to your house every day, or running out of clean clothes. Also, if you can schedule shifts, you'll know you can go to work (and so can your brother). Just having a plan in place (even if it doesn't work) will also reduce the stress because you won't be " re-acting " - you'll be proactive. Keep a notepad by her bed and take notes for the next caregiver - that will help to track the physical changes so you can see the process over time, and can catch up easily when you relieve the exhausted caregiver who's on the way home. If Nada is a member of a church (or if you or your brother are) or other organization that might pitch in, this is the time to let somebody deliver some casseroles or deli trays. Much like having a new baby, you need to plan to include good health time for yourself - so if you can go work out, or walk around the block every day, that will help. If you have a source of community support, by all means let them help. You can return the favor in years to come. Although it's sad, dying is a part of living, and it needn't cause you to be in emergency mode the whole time. You and your brother can go through this experience in an ordered, mutually supportive way, so that when it's over there'll be sadness, but not regret. Take care of yourself while you're taking care of your mom - > > > >> I wrote earlier that my mom went on hospice and that my husband and I > >> planned to visit her later in the week. Well, she went from alert and > >> conscious though sleepy on Monday night - to no consciousness on Tuesday > >> afternoon. My brother asked me to come and help him, so I am now here. Many > >> things have been good - it really is a blessing that she is not conscious > >> and is not in pain. She will not be given food or liquids per her wishes - > >> comfort care only. So, it is a matter of time at this point. There have > >> been a lot of things to navigate including a well meaning and helpful friend > >> who has become more than a bit too controlling and overbearing about my > >> mom's care. And I am really tired, but overall grateful - things could be > >> and could have been much worse. Have been able to make a bunch of future > >> plans with my brother - thank fully we are really on the same page about her > >> care and what happens afterward. > >> > >> MY > >> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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