Re: I managed an event without being dragged down to her level and flooding

[Guest guest]

Hi, can I call you WTH for short? Or would you prefer " firehorse " ?

I *really* like the idea that the next time your nada claims that she only

spanked you once, for you to respond with something like, " I agree, mom: there

was only one actual spanking. That's because the countless times you struck me

on my bare backside with a wooden yardstick don't count as 'spankings'; those

were actually 'beatings', technically speaking. Or, 'assault and battery'. I

wonder what the statute of limitations is on reporting a case of assault and

battery on a child, in this state...? "

-Annie

>

> She had the nerve to announce to a room of mostly strangers and one cousin

that I had only ever been spanked once (apparently if she did it with a

yardstick, one hit per year I was old on a bare butt they didn't count)...and

then she actually said I was spanked because I had knocked over a candle when I

was 3. It AMAZED me that she happened to bring up this particular incident

because it is one of my earliest, clearest, childhood memories and it happens to

also be my earliest memory of her telling me that reality was not reality that

only her perception of reality is real...she left me in the dining room next to

the table which was covered with a blue and white checkered table cloth. She lit

a candle and told me not to touch it or go near it. I watched the candle,

fearfully, as it simply tipped over in the candle holder and called out to her

and my dad. She went bonkers on me for tipping over the candle but no matter

how I tried to tell her what happened she refused to listen let alone hear or

believe what had actually happened. This was when I was 3 years old. I am 44

now. She brought this up in a room full of people all waiting with my great

aunt who was literally about to die any moment. I'm not sure how the spare the

rod topic came up but I happened to say that spanking doesn't work for my 6 year

old so we have come up with a system that does, that works, that doesn't require

hitting him...that's when she said to this group that I had " really only been

spanked once. " I looked over at her and said, " I didn't knock over the candle,

it just tipped over when you left the room " . She started to seethe, " You did

knock it over, you were in your high chair. " Um, no, I wasn't in my high chair

and she wasn't in the room and so she didn't see anything actually happen, she

just decided what the reality would be for all of us. I didn't say that

though...for the first time in my life, I did not try to explain, try to get her

to understand, try to defend myself with factual information, instead, I said,

" I didn't knock that candle over and I'll go to my grave knowing it. " She tried

2-3 more times to insist that I had and I just smiled and said back, " goin to my

grave knowing it " , " goin with me to the grave " , " grave " .... Did my handling of

the situation give me pleasure, pride, relief, and peace = yes... I would have

loved to tell her what really happened, discuss her point of view and the

fallacies she's created to support it, but none of that works SO IT'S NEVER

GONNA HAPPEN. I'd have like to say, " ONCE! So every time you whipped my ass

with a yardstick didn't count? " , or " who the hell is stupid enough to leave a

three year old unattended in a room with a lit candle? " , or " you weren't in the

room so you have NO ACTUAL WAY OF BEING ABLE TO 'KNOW' THAT I KNOCKED IT OVER "

but the reality is that none of those things would have gone anywhere except

into a deathgrip battle over what was real and she will never see anything but

what she wants to, I can't make her do any better, and in the meantime I didn't

let her drag me down into despair and self-hating depression...

>

[Guest guest]

it reminds me of something like this a friend mentioned once, that her mother

started something like this with her in a group of people, and she composed

herself and announced loudly to the group, 'everyone, you'll have to excuse my

mother, she's very drunk right now.' I have never had a moment like that but I

can taste the deliciousness of taking your power back in such a way (my friend

was a police officer for a while so that probably helped).

It definitely would be fun one day to say something like, 'hmmm, let's see...you

left a what? a three year old? in a room with a what? a lit

candle?....unsupervised? hmmmm, lets think about that...that's really, really

interesting.'...and then pause and say, 'you know mom, I'm a little angry with

you after the fact, I could have been seriously injured, how could you do such a

thing/what were you thinking, etc. I'm pretty certain the observers were

probably thinking the same thing listening to it.

>

> She had the nerve to announce to a room of mostly strangers and one cousin

that I had only ever been spanked once (apparently if she did it with a

yardstick, one hit per year I was old on a bare butt they didn't count)...and

then she actually said I was spanked because I had knocked over a candle when I

was 3. It AMAZED me that she happened to bring up this particular incident

because it is one of my earliest, clearest, childhood memories and it happens to

also be my earliest memory of her telling me that reality was not reality that

only her perception of reality is real...she left me in the dining room next to

the table which was covered with a blue and white checkered table cloth. She lit

a candle and told me not to touch it or go near it. I watched the candle,

fearfully, as it simply tipped over in the candle holder and called out to her

and my dad. She went bonkers on me for tipping over the candle but no matter

how I tried to tell her what happened she refused to listen let alone hear or

believe what had actually happened. This was when I was 3 years old. I am 44

now. She brought this up in a room full of people all waiting with my great

aunt who was literally about to die any moment. I'm not sure how the spare the

rod topic came up but I happened to say that spanking doesn't work for my 6 year

old so we have come up with a system that does, that works, that doesn't require

hitting him...that's when she said to this group that I had " really only been

spanked once. " I looked over at her and said, " I didn't knock over the candle,

it just tipped over when you left the room " . She started to seethe, " You did

knock it over, you were in your high chair. " Um, no, I wasn't in my high chair

and she wasn't in the room and so she didn't see anything actually happen, she

just decided what the reality would be for all of us. I didn't say that

though...for the first time in my life, I did not try to explain, try to get her

to understand, try to defend myself with factual information, instead, I said,

" I didn't knock that candle over and I'll go to my grave knowing it. " She tried

2-3 more times to insist that I had and I just smiled and said back, " goin to my

grave knowing it " , " goin with me to the grave " , " grave " .... Did my handling of

the situation give me pleasure, pride, relief, and peace = yes... I would have

loved to tell her what really happened, discuss her point of view and the

fallacies she's created to support it, but none of that works SO IT'S NEVER

GONNA HAPPEN. I'd have like to say, " ONCE! So every time you whipped my ass

with a yardstick didn't count? " , or " who the hell is stupid enough to leave a

three year old unattended in a room with a lit candle? " , or " you weren't in the

room so you have NO ACTUAL WAY OF BEING ABLE TO 'KNOW' THAT I KNOCKED IT OVER "

but the reality is that none of those things would have gone anywhere except

into a deathgrip battle over what was real and she will never see anything but

what she wants to, I can't make her do any better, and in the meantime I didn't

let her drag me down into despair and self-hating depression...

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie, WTH or just is fine ... yes, I agree, but, she's a witch so I

pick the one point at that given time that is the most important to me to make

and stick to that or everything just escalates too quickly to accomplish

anything... Your response though is exactly what I needed to hear, now, add

this insanity to the situation...for my entire childhood with her as single

parent for me age 4-13, she was a child abuse investigative social worker who

brought home pictures of babies with handprint bruises on their heads and told

me that I was not abused, that what the pictures showed of the babies was

abuse...how many levels of confidence or appropriateness or good parenting does

that violate....

> >

> > She had the nerve to announce to a room of mostly strangers and one cousin

that I had only ever been spanked once (apparently if she did it with a

yardstick, one hit per year I was old on a bare butt they didn't count)...and

then she actually said I was spanked because I had knocked over a candle when I

was 3. It AMAZED me that she happened to bring up this particular incident

because it is one of my earliest, clearest, childhood memories and it happens to

also be my earliest memory of her telling me that reality was not reality that

only her perception of reality is real...she left me in the dining room next to

the table which was covered with a blue and white checkered table cloth. She lit

a candle and told me not to touch it or go near it. I watched the candle,

fearfully, as it simply tipped over in the candle holder and called out to her

and my dad. She went bonkers on me for tipping over the candle but no matter

how I tried to tell her what happened she refused to listen let alone hear or

believe what had actually happened. This was when I was 3 years old. I am 44

now. She brought this up in a room full of people all waiting with my great

aunt who was literally about to die any moment. I'm not sure how the spare the

rod topic came up but I happened to say that spanking doesn't work for my 6 year

old so we have come up with a system that does, that works, that doesn't require

hitting him...that's when she said to this group that I had " really only been

spanked once. " I looked over at her and said, " I didn't knock over the candle,

it just tipped over when you left the room " . She started to seethe, " You did

knock it over, you were in your high chair. " Um, no, I wasn't in my high chair

and she wasn't in the room and so she didn't see anything actually happen, she

just decided what the reality would be for all of us. I didn't say that

though...for the first time in my life, I did not try to explain, try to get her

to understand, try to defend myself with factual information, instead, I said,

" I didn't knock that candle over and I'll go to my grave knowing it. " She tried

2-3 more times to insist that I had and I just smiled and said back, " goin to my

grave knowing it " , " goin with me to the grave " , " grave " .... Did my handling of

the situation give me pleasure, pride, relief, and peace = yes... I would have

loved to tell her what really happened, discuss her point of view and the

fallacies she's created to support it, but none of that works SO IT'S NEVER

GONNA HAPPEN. I'd have like to say, " ONCE! So every time you whipped my ass

with a yardstick didn't count? " , or " who the hell is stupid enough to leave a

three year old unattended in a room with a lit candle? " , or " you weren't in the

room so you have NO ACTUAL WAY OF BEING ABLE TO 'KNOW' THAT I KNOCKED IT OVER "

but the reality is that none of those things would have gone anywhere except

into a deathgrip battle over what was real and she will never see anything but

what she wants to, I can't make her do any better, and in the meantime I didn't

let her drag me down into despair and self-hating depression...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I love it!!!!! It was pretty empowering, I've never managed to keep my cool

(once I was able for the first part of it but when she came back for round 2 I

slipped and was dragged into her rage and drowned with her again) when she

engages me in battle. This was really, really vindicating, particularly because

the moment she brought up is the earliest moment/incident I can clearly remember

of her forcing her distorted reality on me regardless of the fact that I knew

what she was saying was not what really happened... Holding my own on this one

was like starting my childhood over again on some level having righted the

course by now knowing, it's not me, it's her for certain....always before, most

of my life and all of my childhood, she was able to make me doubt

myself...not...after...that

> >

> > She had the nerve to announce to a room of mostly strangers and one cousin

that I had only ever been spanked once (apparently if she did it with a

yardstick, one hit per year I was old on a bare butt they didn't count)...and

then she actually said I was spanked because I had knocked over a candle when I

was 3. It AMAZED me that she happened to bring up this particular incident

because it is one of my earliest, clearest, childhood memories and it happens to

also be my earliest memory of her telling me that reality was not reality that

only her perception of reality is real...she left me in the dining room next to

the table which was covered with a blue and white checkered table cloth. She lit

a candle and told me not to touch it or go near it. I watched the candle,

fearfully, as it simply tipped over in the candle holder and called out to her

and my dad. She went bonkers on me for tipping over the candle but no matter

how I tried to tell her what happened she refused to listen let alone hear or

believe what had actually happened. This was when I was 3 years old. I am 44

now. She brought this up in a room full of people all waiting with my great

aunt who was literally about to die any moment. I'm not sure how the spare the

rod topic came up but I happened to say that spanking doesn't work for my 6 year

old so we have come up with a system that does, that works, that doesn't require

hitting him...that's when she said to this group that I had " really only been

spanked once. " I looked over at her and said, " I didn't knock over the candle,

it just tipped over when you left the room " . She started to seethe, " You did

knock it over, you were in your high chair. " Um, no, I wasn't in my high chair

and she wasn't in the room and so she didn't see anything actually happen, she

just decided what the reality would be for all of us. I didn't say that

though...for the first time in my life, I did not try to explain, try to get her

to understand, try to defend myself with factual information, instead, I said,

" I didn't knock that candle over and I'll go to my grave knowing it. " She tried

2-3 more times to insist that I had and I just smiled and said back, " goin to my

grave knowing it " , " goin with me to the grave " , " grave " .... Did my handling of

the situation give me pleasure, pride, relief, and peace = yes... I would have

loved to tell her what really happened, discuss her point of view and the

fallacies she's created to support it, but none of that works SO IT'S NEVER

GONNA HAPPEN. I'd have like to say, " ONCE! So every time you whipped my ass

with a yardstick didn't count? " , or " who the hell is stupid enough to leave a

three year old unattended in a room with a lit candle? " , or " you weren't in the

room so you have NO ACTUAL WAY OF BEING ABLE TO 'KNOW' THAT I KNOCKED IT OVER "

but the reality is that none of those things would have gone anywhere except

into a deathgrip battle over what was real and she will never see anything but

what she wants to, I can't make her do any better, and in the meantime I didn't

let her drag me down into despair and self-hating depression...

> >

>