Re: A Rock and a Hard Place (Where do I go?)

[Guest guest]

Hey buddy,

I'm so sorry. I hear your pain and frustration.

My first tip would be to get involved more and more with community groups

that help people with disabilities. There are a lot of them. Build up that

support network and in the meantime take steps to remove yourself from your

mother and sister. Eventually, I believe you will be able to create the

support network you need to move and have true friends. Just be careful not

to replace the negativitly with other, new negative people.

Let me know if you need help looking for support groups.

Hugs, Girlscout.

>

>

> They have not been officially diagnosed in person, because they refuse to

> go to therapy, but two of my therapists have said that my mother and my

> sister, whom has lived with her until she was 34, and just moved out last

> year in December, both have Borderline Personality Disorder. Whatever they

> have, having different personalities, they have the same characteristics of

> some kind of personality disorder, for in many situations they act the same.

>

> I suffer from possible ADHD, maybe Bipolar, and Depression and Anxiety

> disorder definitely. I do take medicine, and attend and have attended

> regular therapy sessions throughout my life on how to become a better

> person, specially recently in how to deal with my mother and sister in an

> assertive way, and set my boundaries. Doing this, and bettering myself seems

> to have made things even worse with how they treat me. If I stand up for

> myself in an assertive non-aggressive way, they both mock me and say, " Poor,

> poor, Jerome playing the victim again. Everyone is out to get Jerome. " My

> name is not Jerome by the way, but that will be the name I will use to

> describe me. Anyway they have become even more aggressive, and twist things

> around, and when I become assertive or nicely, but sternly try to set my

> boundaries for yelling, name-calling, put downs, and/or swearing, they turn

> it around on me and say they are setting their boundaries with me. I feel I

> am in a stupid child cartoon, and it is extremely frustrating, and cry every

> night.

>

> That is a quick background, and I can not say everything that has happened

> so far, for it is a very long story. I will however tell of an incident,

> that is the tipping point of my fear of feeling that where I live is under

> siege and I cannot leave my apartment. Being disabled, and on Social

> Security Disability makes it so I also have to rely on my mother to help me

> out, like when my car breaks down and such. I need my car for I can not walk

> to far.

>

> I rent a nice one-bedroom apartment from my mother that is upstairs from

> her house. I was getting ready for a meeting I had with the town middle

> school principal for a Masonic Safety Id program. The materials I had

> requested and needed I did not get, and one of the people involved, works at

> the school bus garage, said she would get them to me through the bus driver

> to be given to my mother the next morning, when my 5 year old niece gets on

> the bus from my mother's house. I called my mother up that night last

> Wednesday before, so she would know to expect these materials, for I needed

> them right away to look through them and get ready for my presentation the

> next morning at 9 am. So she knew I was and needed to leave in the morning.

>

> My parking spot is in the main driveway, and there is a turn around space

> extension, that is where I am to park. My mother failed to tell me she was

> having a garage sale, which is nothing new, or ask me to park somewhere else

> that morning. Even that morning, Thursday of last week, when she gave me the

> materials, she said nothing of moving my car etc. I went out to my car at

> about 8:39 am to leave, and saw tables being set up by my sister that I am

> also having trouble with, and apparently is not talking to me, which is

> another story. There was a large, black, round, metal, table in front of my

> car. I said to my sister nicely, that I needed to leave and could not get my

> car out, and if she could please move the table. She admitted to putting the

> table there, and that Mom told her to put it there, and she was not gonna

> move it, and if I wanted it moved to do it myself. By the way I also am

> disabled and walk with a cane, due to great pain from nerve damage in both

> of my legs. I was angry, but did not yell, but sternly said that it was not

> my responsibility to move since I did not put it there, and that I had a

> right not have my car blocked from leaving. She said nothing and just gave

> me a mean sarcastic look like as if saying, " oh well " . I went to my car to

> put my backpack into my car to free my one arm and hand. I than went to the

> table, and with one hand tried to drag it to the grass so I could get out.

> The table being very heavy and round I lost balance with it, and it fall to

> one side while I still tried to hold on to it, than fall to the other side

> etc. I finally was able to get it to the grass, and during this time my

> mother came out and saw me. She walked quickly towards me, was yelling, and

> accusing me of taking my anger out on the table and trying to break it. I

> said that was not true, and that even though I was angry that was not my

> intention, and you know for a fact that I can not move these heavy objects,

> and only have one hand. I said to my mother that I had asked nicely for

> to please move the table since she put it there, and she said no. I

> was angry that my mother accused me of that, specially since she has done

> this before many times to twist the truth and when telling other people, to

> make me the bad guy. I said nothing more and got into my car.

>

> She came around and blocked my car, and rolling my eyes I knew I needed to

> roll down my window to talk to her before leaving, or she would accuse me of

> trying to run her over. I just wanted to leave, and did not want to argue,

> fight or get yelled at about something so petty and stupid. She accused me

> of going out of my way not to get along, and said we all need to get along

> etc. I said how is that possible, when I am the only one doing that, and you

> and my sister go out of your way to engage me and fight with me for no

> reason, when I go out of my way to avoid them altogether and that she needed

> to talk to my sister about being civil, and that they had no right to block

> me in parking spot, and that I live here, and pay rent here and have a right

> to my parking spot. My mother got angry and yelled, " You do not pay rent. "

> She says ridiculous stuff like that, and there is no way to defend against

> it, because it is ludicrous. My bank statements and the cashed checks prove

> otherwise, but I said nothing more, waited for her to walk away in anger,

> and than drove off stressed out even more for my meeting.

>

> After my meeting they purposely completely blocked my spot by putting that

> black table back, with other tables, so I parked on the grass near my

> apartment. I took pictures and videotaped it, for fear she would accuse me

> of messing up her grass etc, or denying she blocked me out of my parking

> space. That evening, I took another video, after they took in all the stuff

> from the garage sale expect a coupla tables, and they put the black table

> right in the middle of my parking space. I am assuming they did this to keep

> me from getting back in it. I prefer to park on the grass near my apartment

> anyway, specially being handicapped, but like I said I am afraid she would

> accuse me of damaging her property, which I am careful anyway, but it was

> wet and raining.

>

> I go out of my way to avoid them, but have fear to even come out of my

> apartment, for I feel they are purposely trying to engage, even though I am

> not so much ignoring them, as I am trying to just be civil, stay out of

> their way and decline to be with them out of fear.

>

> This seems to be any everyday occurrence, and even though I love them, and

> would like to spend time with them, I can not allow myself to, for it gets

> me into trouble, and they do not respect my boundaries of not swearing,

> putting me down, calling me names, or just plain trying to start a fight

> with me over petty things. This happens more times than I can count, and I

> am lost on what to do and am doing everything my therapist tells me to do,

> and be assertive, set my boundaries etc, and it means nothing to them and if

> anything when I do that, they are more aggressive towards me and lash out

> even more. My therapist told me than I just need to move and completely cut

> them out of my l life till they decide to change. I said how can I do this

> to my Mom and sister whom I love, plus that means cutting out my nephew and

> niece that I also love and adore.

>

> I feel completely alone in this, and even though I have a very large

> extended family, they really have no idea what really goes on, and I have

> been already labeled as the black sheep. My mother talks about me all of the

> time behind my back, but I am not allowed to say even an ounce of negativity

> to her sisters or brothers, and they make me feel I am a bad son. My mother

> is combination of all those mothers, like on Everyone Love ,

> Seinfeld, and Sopranos etc. Nothing I do can make here happy. NO gift to big

> will make her happy. Not job I do for her will make her happy, and instead I

> get abused doing these things for her, so I just give up and do not help her

> at all to avoid being abused. She even said that I will help anyone and

> everyone else except her. I said that yes that is true, because they do not

> yell at me or swear at me, or put me down, and stand over my back and

> criticize everything little thing I do.

>

> I can goon and on, but this is one incident of so many that just happened

> and I am just fed up and feel I have no place to go. Like I said I am

> disabled, and I can move into a smaller apartment cheaper rent, but who is

> going to help me move. What if my car breaks down, who will help me and

> allow me to pay $30 a month. It is damned if I do and damned if I don't. Is

> this normal for my mother to help me out in some ways, but go back and forth

> depending on her mood, and makes me feel she owns me and I have to do and

> agree with everything she says, or she will cut me off? Is this even

> Borderline Personality? What can I do for her and my sister to get help?

> They know they have a problem for they have ventured to get therapy several

> times, but blame each other for not going. Have told both of them privately

> that they need to go for themselves, and not because the other person goes

> or not, and it will still help in showing you how to be in an non

> dysfunctional relationship with all of us. If they wanted all of us to go

> together, I would go in a second, because we need some kind of referee, but

> they will not go, for everything is my fault or to theirs, and they do not

> want to look at themselves.

>

> To make it worse, there is that new law that you can only be in therapy for

> 5 years, and I did not get much warning, and not they just cut me off, and

> now I feel completely alone.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That is a rock and a hard place, for sure.

Can you utilize your contacts, your friends, and your former therapist to help

you find other individuals of good character who are interested in finding a

room-mate, and would go in with you and rent a place together? If the other

individual can also drive, that would be ideal. Then you can help each other

out when your cars need work. Sharing expenses with one or even two other

roommates could be very good for you financially, and it would give you a real

sense of not being dependent at all, in any way, on your abusive mother and

sister.

It sounds to me like you may even qualify for an assisted living arrangement RE

government assisted housing. Is that called " Section 10 " housing? Have you

looked into that for yourself?

Me personally, I think that breaking away from being financially, emotionally,

and physically dependent on abusive parents is the best thing us KOs can do for

ourselves. But it takes courage and it takes planning and patience. I suggest

that if you decide that that is your goal: to do the research and put in the

time to make these arrangements for yourself, you'll feel so empowered and

assertive!

best wishes and best of luck,

-Annie

>

> They have not been officially diagnosed in person, because they refuse

to go to therapy, but two of my therapists have said that my mother and my

sister, whom has lived with her until she was 34, and just moved out last year

in December, both have Borderline Personality Disorder. Whatever they have,

having different personalities, they have the same characteristics of some kind

of personality disorder, for in many situations they act the same.

>

> I suffer from possible ADHD, maybe Bipolar, and Depression and Anxiety

disorder definitely. I do take medicine, and attend and have attended regular

therapy sessions throughout my life on how to become a better person, specially

recently in how to deal with my mother and sister in an assertive way, and set

my boundaries. Doing this, and bettering myself seems to have made things even

worse with how they treat me. If I stand up for myself in an assertive

non-aggressive way, they both mock me and say, " Poor, poor, Jerome playing the

victim again. Everyone is out to get Jerome. " My name is not Jerome by the way,

but that will be the name I will use to describe me. Anyway they have become

even more aggressive, and twist things around, and when I become assertive or

nicely, but sternly try to set my boundaries for yelling, name-calling, put

downs, and/or swearing, they turn it around on me and say they are setting their

boundaries with me. I feel I am in a stupid child cartoon, and it is extremely

frustrating, and cry every night.

>

> That is a quick background, and I can not say everything that has happened so

far, for it is a very long story. I will however tell of an incident, that is

the tipping point of my fear of feeling that where I live is under siege and I

cannot leave my apartment. Being disabled, and on Social Security Disability

makes it so I also have to rely on my mother to help me out, like when my car

breaks down and such. I need my car for I can not walk to far.

>

> I rent a nice one-bedroom apartment from my mother that is upstairs from her

house. I was getting ready for a meeting I had with the town middle school

principal for a Masonic Safety Id program. The materials I had requested and

needed I did not get, and one of the people involved, works at the school bus

garage, said she would get them to me through the bus driver to be given to my

mother the next morning, when my 5 year old niece gets on the bus from my

mother's house. I called my mother up that night last Wednesday before, so she

would know to expect these materials, for I needed them right away to look

through them and get ready for my presentation the next morning at 9 am. So she

knew I was and needed to leave in the morning.

>

> My parking spot is in the main driveway, and there is a turn around space

extension, that is where I am to park. My mother failed to tell me she was

having a garage sale, which is nothing new, or ask me to park somewhere else

that morning. Even that morning, Thursday of last week, when she gave me the

materials, she said nothing of moving my car etc. I went out to my car at about

8:39 am to leave, and saw tables being set up by my sister that I am also having

trouble with, and apparently is not talking to me, which is another story. There

was a large, black, round, metal, table in front of my car. I said to my sister

nicely, that I needed to leave and could not get my car out, and if she could

please move the table. She admitted to putting the table there, and that Mom

told her to put it there, and she was not gonna move it, and if I wanted it

moved to do it myself. By the way I also am disabled and walk with a cane, due

to great pain from nerve damage in both of my legs. I was angry, but did not

yell, but sternly said that it was not my responsibility to move since I did not

put it there, and that I had a right not have my car blocked from leaving. She

said nothing and just gave me a mean sarcastic look like as if saying, " oh

well " . I went to my car to put my backpack into my car to free my one arm and

hand. I than went to the table, and with one hand tried to drag it to the grass

so I could get out. The table being very heavy and round I lost balance with it,

and it fall to one side while I still tried to hold on to it, than fall to the

other side etc. I finally was able to get it to the grass, and during this time

my mother came out and saw me. She walked quickly towards me, was yelling, and

accusing me of taking my anger out on the table and trying to break it. I said

that was not true, and that even though I was angry that was not my intention,

and you know for a fact that I can not move these heavy objects, and only have

one hand. I said to my mother that I had asked nicely for to please move

the table since she put it there, and she said no. I was angry that my mother

accused me of that, specially since she has done this before many times to twist

the truth and when telling other people, to make me the bad guy. I said nothing

more and got into my car.

>

> She came around and blocked my car, and rolling my eyes I knew I needed to

roll down my window to talk to her before leaving, or she would accuse me of

trying to run her over. I just wanted to leave, and did not want to argue, fight

or get yelled at about something so petty and stupid. She accused me of going

out of my way not to get along, and said we all need to get along etc. I said

how is that possible, when I am the only one doing that, and you and my sister

go out of your way to engage me and fight with me for no reason, when I go out

of my way to avoid them altogether and that she needed to talk to my sister

about being civil, and that they had no right to block me in parking spot, and

that I live here, and pay rent here and have a right to my parking spot. My

mother got angry and yelled, " You do not pay rent. " She says ridiculous stuff

like that, and there is no way to defend against it, because it is ludicrous. My

bank statements and the cashed checks prove otherwise, but I said nothing more,

waited for her to walk away in anger, and than drove off stressed out even more

for my meeting.

>

> After my meeting they purposely completely blocked my spot by putting that

black table back, with other tables, so I parked on the grass near my apartment.

I took pictures and videotaped it, for fear she would accuse me of messing up

her grass etc, or denying she blocked me out of my parking space. That evening,

I took another video, after they took in all the stuff from the garage sale

expect a coupla tables, and they put the black table right in the middle of my

parking space. I am assuming they did this to keep me from getting back in it. I

prefer to park on the grass near my apartment anyway, specially being

handicapped, but like I said I am afraid she would accuse me of damaging her

property, which I am careful anyway, but it was wet and raining.

>

> I go out of my way to avoid them, but have fear to even come out of my

apartment, for I feel they are purposely trying to engage, even though I am not

so much ignoring them, as I am trying to just be civil, stay out of their way

and decline to be with them out of fear.

>

> This seems to be any everyday occurrence, and even though I love them, and

would like to spend time with them, I can not allow myself to, for it gets me

into trouble, and they do not respect my boundaries of not swearing, putting me

down, calling me names, or just plain trying to start a fight with me over petty

things. This happens more times than I can count, and I am lost on what to do

and am doing everything my therapist tells me to do, and be assertive, set my

boundaries etc, and it means nothing to them and if anything when I do that,

they are more aggressive towards me and lash out even more. My therapist told me

than I just need to move and completely cut them out of my l life till they

decide to change. I said how can I do this to my Mom and sister whom I love,

plus that means cutting out my nephew and niece that I also love and adore.

>

> I feel completely alone in this, and even though I have a very large extended

family, they really have no idea what really goes on, and I have been already

labeled as the black sheep. My mother talks about me all of the time behind my

back, but I am not allowed to say even an ounce of negativity to her sisters or

brothers, and they make me feel I am a bad son. My mother is combination of all

those mothers, like on Everyone Love , Seinfeld, and Sopranos etc.

Nothing I do can make here happy. NO gift to big will make her happy. Not job I

do for her will make her happy, and instead I get abused doing these things for

her, so I just give up and do not help her at all to avoid being abused. She

even said that I will help anyone and everyone else except her. I said that yes

that is true, because they do not yell at me or swear at me, or put me down, and

stand over my back and criticize everything little thing I do.

>

> I can goon and on, but this is one incident of so many that just happened and

I am just fed up and feel I have no place to go. Like I said I am disabled, and

I can move into a smaller apartment cheaper rent, but who is going to help me

move. What if my car breaks down, who will help me and allow me to pay $30 a

month. It is damned if I do and damned if I don't. Is this normal for my mother

to help me out in some ways, but go back and forth depending on her mood, and

makes me feel she owns me and I have to do and agree with everything she says,

or she will cut me off? Is this even Borderline Personality? What can I do for

her and my sister to get help? They know they have a problem for they have

ventured to get therapy several times, but blame each other for not going. Have

told both of them privately that they need to go for themselves, and not because

the other person goes or not, and it will still help in showing you how to be in

an non dysfunctional relationship with all of us. If they wanted all of us to go

together, I would go in a second, because we need some kind of referee, but they

will not go, for everything is my fault or to theirs, and they do not want to

look at themselves.

>

> To make it worse, there is that new law that you can only be in therapy for 5

years, and I did not get much warning, and not they just cut me off, and now I

feel completely alone.

>