Re: obsession strikes again

[Guest guest]

Don't beat yourself up. I think you are having a very normal reaction to the

two people's rather passive-aggressive response to you. I was just helping my

husband with a situation where someone was frustrated with a situation in a

meeting he had and it turned into yelling/aggressive behavior. I suggested

turning the criticism back to the person complaining and ask them what they

suggest to solve the problem. Maybe say something like, " There are times when I

need to talk to you. When, where and how would be the best time to talk to you? "

If they are having that private or important of a conversation, they need to

take it somewhere else where it is more clear that they are not to be

interrupted. Usually the closed office door is a good indicator of that.

patinage

>

> I HATE this about myself. I am really upset over a work episode today that is

no big deal but I can't let it go. I walked over to my boss and this guy I work

with who has the same position as me. I accidentally interrupted them and boss

walked away. I said to the other guy, " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. "

> Other guy: " Why? You do it all the time. "

> me: " Really? I'm sorry. "

> other guy, " Don't apologize to ME " the tone being apologize to the other guy

> So I did and he said, " I'm used to it by now. "

> No one said don't worry about it. I didn't even realize I was doing that and I

feel really bad and stupid. I just can't let it go. As far as I know I have a

good working relationship with these people. We always joke around and I think

they like me. Now this small thing is spiraling into me doubting if I am good at

my job!

> WHY WHY WHY do I obsess and over-analyze like this?

> Actually I just remembered something my T told me: obsessive people do this in

order to try to gain some control or feel better about the fact that the world

is unpredictable. Find security somehow. What's more insecure than growing up

w/ a BPD parent? She said out of all the psych issues I could have developed,

this is the best one as it is the most manageable. But still, I am really upset

over this incident to the point that I just can't relax right now.

>

[Guest guest]

You know what? I think ANYONE would obsess over comments like that!! Youve just

had two workmates tell you that you do something they dont like. Any normal

person would find that a kick in the guts. I think I would go sit in the loo and

get a bit teary after that, I am quite sensitive to criticism.

Have a think about the way they said it - a lot of people can say things like

this to people they feel very comfortable with, as a joke, without actually

intending to upset. I say things like this to the IT guy at my work because he

always comes and chats to me when he is bored - its a joke between us as I

actually enjoy the break when he pops in for a gossip!

If they actually meant it in a negative way, perhaps you need to change the way

you deal with these guys - they might not like people coming into their office

multiple times a day or something. God knows, everyone has their quirks about

what they like and dont like.

For example, my boss talks very loudly on his phone with overseas clients, which

is very distracting to me in the next office, so I put on headphones and listen

to music. If he asked me, I would say that his conversations are too loud - but

I wouldnt want him to take that as a personal insult or attack, its simply

something that bothers me but wouldnt bother others. Its just that I prefer to

work with no distractions outside my own thoughts. I wouldnt mean it as " you are

doing something wrong and should feel bad " . I absolutely suck at diplomacy tho,

so I probably would offend him.....

these things are so tricky, arent they?

>

> I HATE this about myself. I am really upset over a work episode today that is

no big deal but I can't let it go. I walked over to my boss and this guy I work

with who has the same position as me. I accidentally interrupted them and boss

walked away. I said to the other guy, " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. "

> Other guy: " Why? You do it all the time. "

> me: " Really? I'm sorry. "

> other guy, " Don't apologize to ME " the tone being apologize to the other guy

> So I did and he said, " I'm used to it by now. "

> No one said don't worry about it. I didn't even realize I was doing that and I

feel really bad and stupid. I just can't let it go. As far as I know I have a

good working relationship with these people. We always joke around and I think

they like me. Now this small thing is spiraling into me doubting if I am good at

my job!

> WHY WHY WHY do I obsess and over-analyze like this?

> Actually I just remembered something my T told me: obsessive people do this in

order to try to gain some control or feel better about the fact that the world

is unpredictable. Find security somehow. What's more insecure than growing up

w/ a BPD parent? She said out of all the psych issues I could have developed,

this is the best one as it is the most manageable. But still, I am really upset

over this incident to the point that I just can't relax right now.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks. =) I think part of it is also that I really like these two people and

really don't have any gripes against them, which makes me feel worse that they

have one about me.

> >

> > I HATE this about myself. I am really upset over a work episode today that

is no big deal but I can't let it go. I walked over to my boss and this guy I

work with who has the same position as me. I accidentally interrupted them and

boss walked away. I said to the other guy, " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to

interrupt. "

> > Other guy: " Why? You do it all the time. "

> > me: " Really? I'm sorry. "

> > other guy, " Don't apologize to ME " the tone being apologize to the other guy

> > So I did and he said, " I'm used to it by now. "

> > No one said don't worry about it. I didn't even realize I was doing that and

I feel really bad and stupid. I just can't let it go. As far as I know I have a

good working relationship with these people. We always joke around and I think

they like me. Now this small thing is spiraling into me doubting if I am good at

my job!

> > WHY WHY WHY do I obsess and over-analyze like this?

> > Actually I just remembered something my T told me: obsessive people do this

in order to try to gain some control or feel better about the fact that the

world is unpredictable. Find security somehow. What's more insecure than

growing up w/ a BPD parent? She said out of all the psych issues I could have

developed, this is the best one as it is the most manageable. But still, I am

really upset over this incident to the point that I just can't relax right now.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Please don't beat yourself up for being normal. Everybody makes mistakes.

*Nobody is perfect.*

The difference between us and those with personality disorder is that we

actually care when we find out that we've done or are doing something (even if

we're not meaning to) that hurts another person's feelings. We not only care,

we apologize and try to change our hurtful behavior. We do this because unlike

those with npd and aspd, we have the capacity for normal human empathy and we

actually *do* care if we hurt someone's feelings. (Bpds, I'm not so sure about

whether they have the capacity for empathy or not. Maybe some do and some

don't. Maybe its a gray area with bpds.)

It seems that your boss is sensitive about being interrupted; maybe his mother

or father treated him like he was an invisible but disgusting piece of dog crap

and never let him finish a sentence or they just talked over him like he wasn't

there, and so now that's a sensitive area for him.

Let him know that you are now aware that you tend to interrupt him sometimes and

although you weren't aware of it before, you are aware of it now, and you'll try

to not do that any more. **Ask him how he wants you to let him know that some

issue urgently needs his attention, for the next time something urgent crops

up.**

I'm betting that he will be impressed that you (a) have come to this awareness

and ( care about keeping him up to date in a way that feels comfortable to

him. (That you care about his feelings.)

If he's a regular, decent, mentally healthy and nice guy, he'll accept your

apology and it will all be forgotten. I hope that's the way it works out for

you.

When I was getting to know a person who is now a close friend of mine, I had a

tendency to take her by the upper arm and hustle her along when I was in a

hurry, such as rushing to get our tickets so that we would be seated by the time

the movie started. (I hate missing the first few minutes of a film.) After a

while, she shyly told me that she really hated it when I did that, she intensely

disliked being manhandled and pulled or pushed along by the arm. It triggered

bad memories, bad feelings for her. I didn't realize that doing that was so

upsetting to her so I apologized, and I've never done it again. Although it

didn't seem like anything at all to me, I respected the fact that it was

upsetting to *her* because I care about her. That happened about 8 years ago;

we're still very good friends. And its mutual. I've shared things with her

that I find

upsetting, and she respects my feelings too. Its all about wanting to make each

other happy, it's the *mutual* respect and *reciprocated* sensitivity and caring

that means so much.

That's my two cents worth, anyway, to take or leave as it suits you. Each

person has to figure out what works for herself or himself.

-Annie

>

> I HATE this about myself. I am really upset over a work episode today that is

no big deal but I can't let it go. I walked over to my boss and this guy I work

with who has the same position as me. I accidentally interrupted them and boss

walked away. I said to the other guy, " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. "

> Other guy: " Why? You do it all the time. "

> me: " Really? I'm sorry. "

> other guy, " Don't apologize to ME " the tone being apologize to the other guy

> So I did and he said, " I'm used to it by now. "

> No one said don't worry about it. I didn't even realize I was doing that and I

feel really bad and stupid. I just can't let it go. As far as I know I have a

good working relationship with these people. We always joke around and I think

they like me. Now this small thing is spiraling into me doubting if I am good at

my job!

> WHY WHY WHY do I obsess and over-analyze like this?

> Actually I just remembered something my T told me: obsessive people do this in

order to try to gain some control or feel better about the fact that the world

is unpredictable. Find security somehow. What's more insecure than growing up

w/ a BPD parent? She said out of all the psych issues I could have developed,

this is the best one as it is the most manageable. But still, I am really upset

over this incident to the point that I just can't relax right now.

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz

Obsessive people have an intense, deep, need to feel safe. Does it

surprise you that should be a part of your make up?

Observation: I have been married 36 years to a little, short, sawed off

social worker. She interupts me Constantly. Mostly she is not aware of

doing so until I clam up. I used to get angry. Now I just wait for her

to run on, and say, with humor, now, and I was saying before you said it

for me.......

I m not planning to divorce her over it. This is simply a trait of hers,

developed by her life experiences.

Second Observation: We waste all the good worry. We fret and obsess

and catastrophize about a lot of shit that never happens. We lose sleep

over a lot of issues that are not issues. Pick your fights. Wait until

you know it is an issue before you give it skull sweat, and spend a

piece of your life thinking on it. Otherwise, let it lie where it fell,

and you lie in peace on your bed.

If you feel bad about interuppting , think of creative ways to avoid

that behavior. Perhaps you do it because whatever nada was saying you

did not want to hear, so you inserted noise into the voids.

You might make up a little nonsense phrase, and say it in your head

before you speak, to give yourself time to observe whether it is a good

time to speak.

For example

Seven birds with seven balls flew seven times oe r seven walls. When

seven birds were though with it, the seven walls all looked like shit.

It is a quirky little idiom, not a major failure of who you are.

FOG alert, dear.

You are a good person. Go write that on the board 100 times.

Doug

[Guest guest]

I do this too. My husband tells me when I interrupt, and I immediately apologize

and wait for him to finish.

I think its just a matter of being reminded that I am doing it.

I would have a frank discussion with your co-workers and tell them that you

hadn't realized you were interrupting, and if they could help you with that by

reminding you it would be helpful. My old boss would use a nickle. Every time I

interrupted him, he would hand me a nickle. it was a non-verbal cue that

wouldn't embarass me.

He was a psychologist BTW. LOL!

I still do it, but I'm getting better at realizing that I'm doing it (which

happens about .04 seconds after I do it, and then I apologize and tell them to

continue).

>

> I HATE this about myself. I am really upset over a work episode today that is

no big deal but I can't let it go. I walked over to my boss and this guy I work

with who has the same position as me. I accidentally interrupted them and boss

walked away. I said to the other guy, " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. "

> Other guy: " Why? You do it all the time. "

> me: " Really? I'm sorry. "

> other guy, " Don't apologize to ME " the tone being apologize to the other guy

> So I did and he said, " I'm used to it by now. "

> No one said don't worry about it. I didn't even realize I was doing that and I

feel really bad and stupid. I just can't let it go. As far as I know I have a

good working relationship with these people. We always joke around and I think

they like me. Now this small thing is spiraling into me doubting if I am good at

my job!

> WHY WHY WHY do I obsess and over-analyze like this?

> Actually I just remembered something my T told me: obsessive people do this in

order to try to gain some control or feel better about the fact that the world

is unpredictable. Find security somehow. What's more insecure than growing up

w/ a BPD parent? She said out of all the psych issues I could have developed,

this is the best one as it is the most manageable. But still, I am really upset

over this incident to the point that I just can't relax right now.

>