2m since she died, feels like longer

September 12, 2010

Hi all,

It's been only 2 months since nada died, but it feels like 100 years. I was

beginning to wonder if I had dysthymic disorder, but for the first time in

probably 17 years I have several mornings where I do not wake up depressed. The

relief of her burden is not fully realized yet, but the amount I have been able

to let go of seems to good to be true. So many great things have happened for me

since she died- her life insurance paid off my student loans (we're talking over

100K here), and we are selling her house and that will make a nice down on a

home for us. This student loan thing is a HUGE relief, the $1500 a month payment

was killing my husband and me. He's still in school so we can't buy a house now,

but we can now move out of our crappy 2 bedroom apt and rent a nice 4 bedroom

house in a better part of town. We are so excited. My pregnancy is going well

and if things go as planned I will be able to cut back on hours after the baby

(it's a boy!)is born. So all in all, I feel truly blessed to have so much

financial burden off my back. That said, I am still sort of walking around in

this dream world. What I mean is, it's like nada never existed- I don't miss

her, I don't regret anything. I feel no nostalgia. It doesn't hurt that she is

gone. It's like she vanished and was never a part of my life. Except for the

mental truama I have that is her aftermath. I keep having this recurring dream

that she is still alive. I really can't put into words the feeling in my chest I

have in this dream. I feel hopless, terror, torture- like a trapped animal in a

cage w/ no escape. When I wake up the relief I feel is tremendous. I hate this

dream. And even though everything is going so well, I still can't really enjoy

my life the way I should. Still waiting for that other shoe to drop, still

majorly doubting myself as a parent, wondering if my dtr loves me and if I am

good enough. And although I am less dysthymic, it's still there. Is it ever

going to go away? And lastly, it really, REALLY hurts that I never had a family.

More now than ever. So I am OK, but I am not OK. Know what I mean?

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