Re: overdeveloped sense of responsibility for others?

[Guest guest]

Now that I think about it I can remember doing vacuuming as a small kid, with

mum following me around, criticising and critiquing, pointing out every little

spot I missed. It was up to us kids to clean the house when she went out. When

the washing machine broke down I had to handwash everyones clothes for a long

time (6 months? cant remember).

Mum was very good at assigning responsibility to others – once she reversed out

of the garage while one of the car doors was open, almost ripping it off its

hinges. She flew into a violent rage, saying it was my sisters fault for opening

the door (my sister was strapping in her daughter at the time), and when I

pointed out that the door beeps loudly when open she went ballistic. There was

no concern from her that she nearly ran over her daughter and scared the hell

out of her grandchild.

Whenever I am around my mother now I am very vigilant about what is going on

around her – Im almost paranoid that someone will set her off in public, or she

will start a rant about something illogical, I try to steer everyones

conversations away from volatile topics, and try to control the situation. Its

exhausting – thankfully I don't see her often!

[Guest guest]

Likewise, D. I'm slowly learning to say no to people. Good for you - that's a

huge step!

K

> >

> > Hello All-

> >

> > Writing again about our foster child, .

> >

> > I've noticed that she's extremely attuned to other's feelings, and watches

my face like a hawk.

> >

> > If I ever feel sad or vexed about something, she'll come flying across the

room start rubbing my shoulders and asking if I'm okay.

> >

> > I keep telling her that A) I'm COMPLETELY FINE and experiencing nothing but

life's little arrows and since she's the kid SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

ME. Note: I don't actually shout this.

> >

> > Perhaps it'll sink in some day, but I find it interesting that she considers

herself responsible for my moods and feelings.

> >

> > I remember feeling the same way about my BPD dad and NPD mom.

> >

> > Do you all remember doing this? Doing it still?

> >

> > Also, she came here expecting to do all the housework, help with all the

cooking, carry all the groceries, etc. And I do mean ALL the groceries,

expecting me to just walk along hands-free, la-di-da while she struggled!

> >

> > Was anyone else expected to do all the work while their BPD mom lounged

about?

> >

> > I think I've finally convinced her what an appropriate amount of work for

someone her age looks like, but I had to spell it out very clearly and take the

cooking spoon, laundry basket, broom and grocery bags right out of her hands.

> >

> > Letty.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Does that help? I appreciate you, I enjoy you, I can't

imagine spending a day without you and I think you are great.

There a little real mothering from me to you.

>

>

> It is a hard situation, and I speak as one who wishes anyone would have

> rescued me. But unless our bruises are on the outside, the department

> is so overloaded with kids taken from a crack house, or meth lab, where

> 2 year olds play on the floor while mom and BF cook meth, or kids burned

> with an iron to teach them not to leave their clothes on the floor, and

> has so few foster homes to go around, that sadly, KO s are left to fend

> for themselves.

>

> Not that no one cares, but limited resources and a lot of craziness.

>

> And yea, I m 54, and all the BP conditioning is still lots of therapy

> from leaving us.

>

> Just keep loving her Letty, and telling her over and over, I don t just

> love you when you do something for me. I don t just love you when you

> are perfect. I CHOOSE, to love, YOU. Just because of who you are. That

> will never change, dirty undies on the floor, bad grade on a paper, mom

> having a bad day, I STILL will LOVE YOU.

>

> That s what she needs to hear, over and over. How do I know? Cause it s

> what all of us needed to hear.

>

> Blessings

>

> Doug

>

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>

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