Re: Hello - new to the group.

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group, you fit in well here Your story is so much like

everybody here, including mine. I understand it is so hard for you and you are

feeling an immense amount of guilt. But you have to learn to think about

yourself. Think about what your fiancé said and think does it have truth? Would

you tolerate and take this kind of treatment and abuse from other people in your

life? I highly doubt the answer will be yes.

I don't want to sound cold to your mother, but for your own sake I would start

to limit contact now while her parents are still alive. Think strategically and

long-term for your own sake not your mom not your grandparents. If you cut

contact now, move away and get on with your life this will give your mom a

chance to find somebody else to depend on. I don't wish this pain on anybody but

you can only take so much. I say get while the gettins good. Maybe she will find

a boyfriend or new husband to lay all her woes on, and you will no longer be her

main target I know it's so hard, but try to think long term and for yourself,

nobody else. And believe that your future husband only wants the best for you.

He sounds very caring, and if he has your best interest in his heart, I would

listen to him over your mother any day. Good luck. LB

> >

> > Hello there,

> >

> > I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to the

area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom, and

it's affecting my other relationships.

> >

> > I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents'

divorce 20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support - almost

as a parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my extended family

knew something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched silently as she

abused me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some physical abuse as well.

> >

> > Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage. She

said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

(state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

mother. "

> >

> > While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty dealing

with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel incredibly

guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also suffer from

bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but always discontinues

therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it is even harder for me

to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond well to boundaries at

all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then convinces my family that

I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline abusive and not to be trusted,

and that we are both in dire need of serious psychological help.

> >

> > It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we

are going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close

friends. I know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the

meantime, my fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she

agrees to seek help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is going

to accept because she thinks she doesn't need any.

> >

> > I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our

sake both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own mental

health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me the way

that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never tolerate anyone

else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively and separately. But

of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the fact that when I have

attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my grandparents (her parents)

have responded with, " We know she has issues, but she is your mother. You can't

just cut her off. "

> >

> > I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

you

> >

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