Re: Flaws Magnified

[Guest guest]

I used to be a perfectionist. It was one of the bigger fleas I acquired from my

nada, who set herself up as the plus-ultra perfect person. I needed to

desperately pursue perfection in myself because, as you also experienced, any

flaws of mine that she noticed were magnified into obscenely distorted

proportions and used to heap shame and disgrace and humiliation and

worthlessness upon my head. And she'd hunt for them, too. I think she liked

doing that, hunting for flaws, shortcomings, and imperfections about me that she

could then torture me with.

It took me a long, long time to absorb the idea that it was OK and normal to not

be perfect, and that being anxious and miserable over not being perfect was a

form of self-torture. And it was pointless, because perfection is not

achievable.

So expecting myself to be flawless and beating myself up because I'm not, well,

it was as though my nada had handed me a baseball bat and said, " I'm leaving for

a while, but you go ahead and continue whacking yourself on the head with it

while I'm gone. " And I obligingly agreed to do so.

I guess that for me it was simply deciding to accept that the way my mother

thinks is deeply insane.

My mother is a profoundly crazy and hostile person, and she hurt me with her

craziness and hostility.

I just decided I didn't buy it anymore, and I don't want to think like her or be

like her in any way, because its crazy thinking and crazy behavior. What she

thinks is irrelevant because it is senseless. Its ridiculous

Alice-in-Wonderland/Through The Looking Glass thinking. Its irrational. Its

illogical, and its hateful.

Everybody has flaws. Nobody is perfect. And I decided to just accept that.

Yes, I've got flaws, and yes, some of them ARE BIG.

So what?

-Annie

>

> With years and tons of work and therapy and prayer and recovery groups, I

think I've come a long way in loving and accepting myself. I no longer believe

I'm complete trash, contrary to my brainwashing/upbringing. In fact, I actually

know (from a deep, foundational place) that I'm good. A decent human, worth the

oxygen I breathe and some more.

>

> Along with that, I've come a long way on the performance trap. I have a lot

more grace and love for myself, and have accepted my value isn't equal to what I

can accomplish.

>

> So . . . here's a holdover that came to me yesterday. I am flawed. (Gasp! I

know!) It seems like I still look at my own flaws and they are distorted. One

normal, run-of-the-mill flaw still seems big and wide and dense and huge. No

matter how small or normal or inconsequential, when I look at any small flaw of

mine, it still seems to be a REALLY BIG DEAL!

>

> Of course, that makes sense. If any flaw showed growing up, it was a REALLY

BIG DEAL--worth getting ostracized and disowned over.

>

> I just want to have more of a sense of . . . balance on these. I want my

flaws to be the size they should be. Not some circus-mirror distortion of what

they are. I wonder what healthy people who grew up in a sane household do with

their flaws. How do they see them? How do they manage life with them?

>

> Does that make sense? Does anyone have any thoughts?

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

[Guest guest]

Good question. I found the concept of the " Good Enough Mother " to be very

useful. That's a mom who, while flawed and human, manages to raise her children

with common sense and compassion. She's not perfect - but she's good enough.

It's a nice idea, don't you think? I'm not perfect, but through effort and

tenacity I usually manage - whatever it is I need to do. And if I fail, that

just means I'm not done trying. Some things (the citations for a master's

thesis, or a surgeon's knots) need to be perfect. Some things (tonight's

meatloaf, or cleaning the bathroom) just have to be OK. It's good enough to be

good enough. While it's satisfying and exciting to be brilliant, being

brilliant at everything would be exhausting and pointless. Some stuff in life

requires extraordinary effort and commitment. The rest can get by with a lick

and a promise.

> >

> > With years and tons of work and therapy and prayer and recovery groups, I

think I've come a long way in loving and accepting myself. I no longer believe

I'm complete trash, contrary to my brainwashing/upbringing. In fact, I actually

know (from a deep, foundational place) that I'm good. A decent human, worth the

oxygen I breathe and some more.

> >

> > Along with that, I've come a long way on the performance trap. I have a lot

more grace and love for myself, and have accepted my value isn't equal to what I

can accomplish.

> >

> > So . . . here's a holdover that came to me yesterday. I am flawed. (Gasp!

I know!) It seems like I still look at my own flaws and they are distorted.

One normal, run-of-the-mill flaw still seems big and wide and dense and huge.

No matter how small or normal or inconsequential, when I look at any small flaw

of mine, it still seems to be a REALLY BIG DEAL!

> >

> > Of course, that makes sense. If any flaw showed growing up, it was a REALLY

BIG DEAL--worth getting ostracized and disowned over.

> >

> > I just want to have more of a sense of . . . balance on these. I want my

flaws to be the size they should be. Not some circus-mirror distortion of what

they are. I wonder what healthy people who grew up in a sane household do with

their flaws. How do they see them? How do they manage life with them?

> >

> > Does that make sense? Does anyone have any thoughts?

> >

> > Blessings,

> > Karla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Your posts always make me feel so much better. How did you get to where you are?

You seem very comfortable with yourself. I want to be that way too. I used to

point out all my flaws to my boyfriends because I felt it was better to get it

out in the open rather than have them discover that I am not what they thought I

was in the beginning. It used to drive my husband crazy. I hate to show him any

type of weakness. That drives him crazy too.

I feel this need for everyone to think I ALWAYS have my stuff together and can

hack any situation.

> > >

> > > With years and tons of work and therapy and prayer and recovery groups, I

think I've come a long way in loving and accepting myself. I no longer believe

I'm complete trash, contrary to my brainwashing/upbringing. In fact, I actually

know (from a deep, foundational place) that I'm good. A decent human, worth the

oxygen I breathe and some more.

> > >

> > > Along with that, I've come a long way on the performance trap. I have a

lot more grace and love for myself, and have accepted my value isn't equal to

what I can accomplish.

> > >

> > > So . . . here's a holdover that came to me yesterday. I am flawed.

(Gasp! I know!) It seems like I still look at my own flaws and they are

distorted. One normal, run-of-the-mill flaw still seems big and wide and dense

and huge. No matter how small or normal or inconsequential, when I look at any

small flaw of mine, it still seems to be a REALLY BIG DEAL!

> > >

> > > Of course, that makes sense. If any flaw showed growing up, it was a

REALLY BIG DEAL--worth getting ostracized and disowned over.

> > >

> > > I just want to have more of a sense of . . . balance on these. I want my

flaws to be the size they should be. Not some circus-mirror distortion of what

they are. I wonder what healthy people who grew up in a sane household do with

their flaws. How do they see them? How do they manage life with them?

> > >

> > > Does that make sense? Does anyone have any thoughts?

> > >

> > > Blessings,

> > > Karla

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz - If it looks like I'm " together " I assure you it's mostly duct tape...

About listing the flaws up front - that's sort of like " making full disclosure "

so they can't blame you for not telling them about your flaws, isn't it? Like

somebody would actually berate you for NOT telling them every single failing you

have. (Can you say, " Fleas? " ) If I started making a list of flaws, it would

never end - I cannot back up a trailer. I cannot make even darts in clothing.

I cannot sit still long enough to do cross-stitch. I cannot read Livy in the

original. I'm not that good a cook, and I don't keep an immaculate house - but

bottom line, most of this stuff is just not that important (well, maybe backing

up a trailer. That would be a handy skill.)

So I think it's important to start the list with what we're good at, then figure

out whether the other stuff is really that important. Does anybody really need

for me to be able to make a perfect souffle? My guys could survive on nachos

and hot wings, so probably not. I could spend time learning how to make perfect

darts, but it's cheaper to just go buy a shirt off the rack at Ross. There's

stuff that is absolutely crucial (like getting my kid through high school, and

making sure the brakes on the car are good) - and every one of us has to define

that list for ourselves. Everything else is extraneous, and we're all a lot

more flawed than we are perfect. It's OK. Nobody needs to know up front what

your flaws are - concentrate on what you're good at and figure out how to

outsource the rest! (That's why God gave us mechanics, Stouffer's, and

Mini-Maids.)

> > > >

> > > > With years and tons of work and therapy and prayer and recovery groups,

I think I've come a long way in loving and accepting myself. I no longer

believe I'm complete trash, contrary to my brainwashing/upbringing. In fact, I

actually know (from a deep, foundational place) that I'm good. A decent human,

worth the oxygen I breathe and some more.

> > > >

> > > > Along with that, I've come a long way on the performance trap. I have a

lot more grace and love for myself, and have accepted my value isn't equal to

what I can accomplish.

> > > >

> > > > So . . . here's a holdover that came to me yesterday. I am flawed.

(Gasp! I know!) It seems like I still look at my own flaws and they are

distorted. One normal, run-of-the-mill flaw still seems big and wide and dense

and huge. No matter how small or normal or inconsequential, when I look at any

small flaw of mine, it still seems to be a REALLY BIG DEAL!

> > > >

> > > > Of course, that makes sense. If any flaw showed growing up, it was a

REALLY BIG DEAL--worth getting ostracized and disowned over.

> > > >

> > > > I just want to have more of a sense of . . . balance on these. I want

my flaws to be the size they should be. Not some circus-mirror distortion of

what they are. I wonder what healthy people who grew up in a sane household do

with their flaws. How do they see them? How do they manage life with them?

> > > >

> > > > Does that make sense? Does anyone have any thoughts?

> > > >

> > > > Blessings,

> > > > Karla

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz--

Therapy, therapy, therapy. And good books and lots of prayer and divine healing

and hard work. And, like said, don't be fooled by the exterior! I still

wrestle with my own share of fleas.

The book that helped me the most with this one is Search for Significance by

McGee.

Having said all of that, I look to YOU with great admiration. Sometimes, it

feels like you're far ahead of me in your healing.

Thank goodness, it isn't a contest. I'm so grateful we can be a part of this

group, where the only thing that matters is us being valuable and good.

Blessings,

Karla

> > > >

> > > > With years and tons of work and therapy and prayer and recovery groups,

I think I've come a long way in loving and accepting myself. I no longer

believe I'm complete trash, contrary to my brainwashing/upbringing. In fact, I

actually know (from a deep, foundational place) that I'm good. A decent human,

worth the oxygen I breathe and some more.

> > > >

> > > > Along with that, I've come a long way on the performance trap. I have a

lot more grace and love for myself, and have accepted my value isn't equal to

what I can accomplish.

> > > >

> > > > So . . . here's a holdover that came to me yesterday. I am flawed.

(Gasp! I know!) It seems like I still look at my own flaws and they are

distorted. One normal, run-of-the-mill flaw still seems big and wide and dense

and huge. No matter how small or normal or inconsequential, when I look at any

small flaw of mine, it still seems to be a REALLY BIG DEAL!

> > > >

> > > > Of course, that makes sense. If any flaw showed growing up, it was a

REALLY BIG DEAL--worth getting ostracized and disowned over.

> > > >

> > > > I just want to have more of a sense of . . . balance on these. I want

my flaws to be the size they should be. Not some circus-mirror distortion of

what they are. I wonder what healthy people who grew up in a sane household do

with their flaws. How do they see them? How do they manage life with them?

> > > >

> > > > Does that make sense? Does anyone have any thoughts?

> > > >

> > > > Blessings,

> > > > Karla

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

--

That is extraordinarily helpful. Thank you!!

I'm going to start integrating that into my thinking. You couldn't be more

correct.

Blessings,

Karla

> > >

> > > With years and tons of work and therapy and prayer and recovery groups, I

think I've come a long way in loving and accepting myself. I no longer believe

I'm complete trash, contrary to my brainwashing/upbringing. In fact, I actually

know (from a deep, foundational place) that I'm good. A decent human, worth the

oxygen I breathe and some more.

> > >

> > > Along with that, I've come a long way on the performance trap. I have a

lot more grace and love for myself, and have accepted my value isn't equal to

what I can accomplish.

> > >

> > > So . . . here's a holdover that came to me yesterday. I am flawed.

(Gasp! I know!) It seems like I still look at my own flaws and they are

distorted. One normal, run-of-the-mill flaw still seems big and wide and dense

and huge. No matter how small or normal or inconsequential, when I look at any

small flaw of mine, it still seems to be a REALLY BIG DEAL!

> > >

> > > Of course, that makes sense. If any flaw showed growing up, it was a

REALLY BIG DEAL--worth getting ostracized and disowned over.

> > >

> > > I just want to have more of a sense of . . . balance on these. I want my

flaws to be the size they should be. Not some circus-mirror distortion of what

they are. I wonder what healthy people who grew up in a sane household do with

their flaws. How do they see them? How do they manage life with them?

> > >

> > > Does that make sense? Does anyone have any thoughts?

> > >

> > > Blessings,

> > > Karla

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks =)

> > > > >

> > > > > With years and tons of work and therapy and prayer and recovery

groups, I think I've come a long way in loving and accepting myself. I no

longer believe I'm complete trash, contrary to my brainwashing/upbringing. In

fact, I actually know (from a deep, foundational place) that I'm good. A decent

human, worth the oxygen I breathe and some more.

> > > > >

> > > > > Along with that, I've come a long way on the performance trap. I have

a lot more grace and love for myself, and have accepted my value isn't equal to

what I can accomplish.

> > > > >

> > > > > So . . . here's a holdover that came to me yesterday. I am flawed.

(Gasp! I know!) It seems like I still look at my own flaws and they are

distorted. One normal, run-of-the-mill flaw still seems big and wide and dense

and huge. No matter how small or normal or inconsequential, when I look at any

small flaw of mine, it still seems to be a REALLY BIG DEAL!

> > > > >

> > > > > Of course, that makes sense. If any flaw showed growing up, it was a

REALLY BIG DEAL--worth getting ostracized and disowned over.

> > > > >

> > > > > I just want to have more of a sense of . . . balance on these. I want

my flaws to be the size they should be. Not some circus-mirror distortion of

what they are. I wonder what healthy people who grew up in a sane household do

with their flaws. How do they see them? How do they manage life with them?

> > > > >

> > > > > Does that make sense? Does anyone have any thoughts?

> > > > >

> > > > > Blessings,

> > > > > Karla

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>