Re: growing up

[Guest guest]

Stole this quote from the Ripple Project posts. I seems very fitting. I am

still chewing on it a little.

" The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the

strength within you that survives all the hurt. " – Max Lerner

patinage

>

> Can anyone identify the moment they " grew up? "

>

> I'm reading the Road Less Traveled. Scot Peck talks about how he grew up and

> left behind his parent's expectations for what he would be. In his case, he

> was 15 and left boarding school against his parent's wishes.

>

> I think as KOs we are molded to enable our Nada's sickness and given

> specific roles within the family. To shrug off these roles and walk away

> from it because we want to lead our own lives is to grow up.

>

> In my case, I know the exact moment I grew up. I was 28 (old, I know) and I

> decided to divorce my ass of a husband. This was something of a sin

> according to the FOO and I knew my relationship would never be the same with

> them. But I did it anyway. My FOO said the expected HORRRIBLE things, and I

> have not really seen them since. I've seen them a few times, but I never did

> pick my role and job in the family back up again.

>

> Anyone else have this growing up experience? I prepped for it for months,

> knowing I would be alone. But I didn't realize what a blessing the aloneness

> would bring. I was scared. But I have LOVED it!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" I don't think of just barely surviving total emotional annihilation as

" stronger " , I guess "

Ha ha, I hear that!!!! Totally!!!

>

>

>

> I think I left home at 18 and stuffed everything deep down and just went

> on. and then I ended back around them and i had to go through it with

> feeling. and it has helped me realize it was way worse than I remembered it.

> and I won't go through the rest of my life with this gray sludge of not

> understanding them or exactly what it was I survived growing up. I don't

> think I was grown up then even though I wholly rejected everything they'd

> taught me. I just had it stuffed down but they had some authority.

>

> but I am not sure I am 'grown up' yet. I have had very little success in my

> adult life and maybe I define that as being grown up, when I feel i am

> somewhat successful. I don't know.

>

>

> >

> > Can anyone identify the moment they " grew up? "

> >

> > I'm reading the Road Less Traveled. Scot Peck talks about how he grew up

> and

> > left behind his parent's expectations for what he would be. In his case,

> he

> > was 15 and left boarding school against his parent's wishes.

> >

> > I think as KOs we are molded to enable our Nada's sickness and given

> > specific roles within the family. To shrug off these roles and walk away

> > from it because we want to lead our own lives is to grow up.

> >

> > In my case, I know the exact moment I grew up. I was 28 (old, I know) and

> I

> > decided to divorce my ass of a husband. This was something of a sin

> > according to the FOO and I knew my relationship would never be the same

> with

> > them. But I did it anyway. My FOO said the expected HORRRIBLE things, and

> I

> > have not really seen them since. I've seen them a few times, but I never

> did

> > pick my role and job in the family back up again.

> >

> > Anyone else have this growing up experience? I prepped for it for months,

> > knowing I would be alone. But I didn't realize what a blessing the

> aloneness

> > would bring. I was scared. But I have LOVED it!

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I guess it could be interpreted that way. I guess I am trying to find a way to

inspire myself to get better as I am not finding any help anywhere else

patinage

> >

> > Stole this quote from the Ripple Project posts. I seems very fitting. I am

still chewing on it a little.

> >

> > " The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the

strength within you that survives all the hurt. " – Max Lerner

> >

> > patinage

[Guest guest]

I left home at 17, but had so many fleas, ticks and other bugs that I had no

real sense of self until much later. I was in pretty much costant therapy from

then on. Even now, I'll go when I have the itchies.

I think for me, it was when I was 30. I had just had my first child and my

mother was starting her BS during my final exams of my 4th year of university.

We were on the phone and she was starting drama. I snapped. I put on my big girl

undies, and told her that she was no longer welcome to call me, that we could

communicate via letter to avoid any miscommunication.

Since then, I've been growing up. Shaking off what they (mostly my Nada, but

also my NPD and step nadas) forced me to be for so long.

I'm still discovering who I am and how strong I really am. Pissing off a lot of

people in the process.

>

> Can anyone identify the moment they " grew up? "

>

> I'm reading the Road Less Traveled. Scot Peck talks about how he grew up and

> left behind his parent's expectations for what he would be. In his case, he

> was 15 and left boarding school against his parent's wishes.

>

> I think as KOs we are molded to enable our Nada's sickness and given

> specific roles within the family. To shrug off these roles and walk away

> from it because we want to lead our own lives is to grow up.

>

> In my case, I know the exact moment I grew up. I was 28 (old, I know) and I

> decided to divorce my ass of a husband. This was something of a sin

> according to the FOO and I knew my relationship would never be the same with

> them. But I did it anyway. My FOO said the expected HORRRIBLE things, and I

> have not really seen them since. I've seen them a few times, but I never did

> pick my role and job in the family back up again.

>

> Anyone else have this growing up experience? I prepped for it for months,

> knowing I would be alone. But I didn't realize what a blessing the aloneness

> would bring. I was scared. But I have LOVED it!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In healthy parents they give their children permission to " grow up " , permission

to acheive and succeed at each level of development. The problem with unhealthy

parents (as in my case) is that they are so emotionally immature and they

themselves have not " grown up " , so there is no way they would give their

children permission to grow up. So there we are left with this feeling like

something is missing, like everyone else is an adult and we are " faking it " (as

one person commented). We have to dig deeper (with therapy) and give ourselves

permission to be grown ups. I seriously need to tell my parents where they

stand with me, but they crumble me into a sniffling child everytime I try to

communicate my feelings to them(dispite the fact that I am a happily married 37

yo woman with two young children of my own)....so a part of me may never feel

" grown up " until I do that. Just some of my thoughts given my experiences so

far.

Best,

Becky

> >

> > Can anyone identify the moment they " grew up? "

> >

> > I'm reading the Road Less Traveled. Scot Peck talks about how he grew up and

> > left behind his parent's expectations for what he would be. In his case, he

> > was 15 and left boarding school against his parent's wishes.

> >

> > I think as KOs we are molded to enable our Nada's sickness and given

> > specific roles within the family. To shrug off these roles and walk away

> > from it because we want to lead our own lives is to grow up.

> >

> > In my case, I know the exact moment I grew up. I was 28 (old, I know) and I

> > decided to divorce my ass of a husband. This was something of a sin

> > according to the FOO and I knew my relationship would never be the same with

> > them. But I did it anyway. My FOO said the expected HORRRIBLE things, and I

> > have not really seen them since. I've seen them a few times, but I never did

> > pick my role and job in the family back up again.

> >

> > Anyone else have this growing up experience? I prepped for it for months,

> > knowing I would be alone. But I didn't realize what a blessing the aloneness

> > would bring. I was scared. But I have LOVED it!

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I have felt like a grown up my whole childhood. I knew things about being an

adult I should have never known as a kid. In many ways I was my mother's mother

and best friend. It was not normal. I also have an old spirit but in many ways I

have a child's heart.

I think about the moment I knew I had to " pull up my boot straps " as nada would

say be a grown up, and I can pin-point my defining moment.

Now my children are growing up. I do my best to push them out of the nest to

form their own ideas or opinions so it is a gradual thing and not a burst of

drama for them. But a big part of me still feels like a child, I feel like one

of them. In many ways I am reliving the childhood that I never got. So I think

" what would I have wanted? What is healthy? " and I try to make a balance. Who

knows they may grow up and end up in therapy, I just try my best and do what

feels right.

What's really funny is now my oldest is heading into these tween years, and he

is constantly arguing about everything. Like he will ask my opinion " mom would

you rather ____or ____? " and I tell him something he will go on and on about why

I chose the wrong thing, so I say okay then the other choice, then he will go on

and on about why I chose wrong again. I know he does it to get a rise out of

me, and it probably would drive a normal person crazy but I am not normal, I

grew up with a nada who did much worse to try and drive me crazy daily. Living

with a tween is nothing! Ha. Yesterday I pointed out what he is doing and he

said " I bet you did the same thing your parents when you were a kid " oh honey if

you only knew! LB

> > >

> > > Can anyone identify the moment they " grew up? "

> > >

> > > I'm reading the Road Less Traveled. Scot Peck talks about how he grew up

and

> > > left behind his parent's expectations for what he would be. In his case,

he

> > > was 15 and left boarding school against his parent's wishes.

> > >

> > > I think as KOs we are molded to enable our Nada's sickness and given

> > > specific roles within the family. To shrug off these roles and walk away

> > > from it because we want to lead our own lives is to grow up.

> > >

> > > In my case, I know the exact moment I grew up. I was 28 (old, I know) and

I

> > > decided to divorce my ass of a husband. This was something of a sin

> > > according to the FOO and I knew my relationship would never be the same

with

> > > them. But I did it anyway. My FOO said the expected HORRRIBLE things, and

I

> > > have not really seen them since. I've seen them a few times, but I never

did

> > > pick my role and job in the family back up again.

> > >

> > > Anyone else have this growing up experience? I prepped for it for months,

> > > knowing I would be alone. But I didn't realize what a blessing the

aloneness

> > > would bring. I was scared. But I have LOVED it!

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Sounds like you are a rad mom!!!! Good work, lady. XOXOXO

On Fri, Aug 27, 2010 at 7:31 AM, faerydancing96 wrote:

>

>

> I have felt like a grown up my whole childhood. I knew things about being

> an adult I should have never known as a kid. In many ways I was my mother's

> mother and best friend. It was not normal. I also have an old spirit but in

> many ways I have a child's heart.

>

> I think about the moment I knew I had to " pull up my boot straps " as nada

> would say be a grown up, and I can pin-point my defining moment.

>

> Now my children are growing up. I do my best to push them out of the nest

> to form their own ideas or opinions so it is a gradual thing and not a burst

> of drama for them. But a big part of me still feels like a child, I feel

> like one of them. In many ways I am reliving the childhood that I never got.

> So I think " what would I have wanted? What is healthy? " and I try to make a

> balance. Who knows they may grow up and end up in therapy, I just try my

> best and do what feels right.

>

> What's really funny is now my oldest is heading into these tween years, and

> he is constantly arguing about everything. Like he will ask my opinion " mom

> would you rather ____or ____? " and I tell him something he will go on and on

> about why I chose the wrong thing, so I say okay then the other choice, then

> he will go on and on about why I chose wrong again. I know he does it to get

> a rise out of me, and it probably would drive a normal person crazy but I am

> not normal, I grew up with a nada who did much worse to try and drive me

> crazy daily. Living with a tween is nothing! Ha. Yesterday I pointed out

> what he is doing and he said " I bet you did the same thing your parents when

> you were a kid " oh honey if you only knew! LB

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Can anyone identify the moment they " grew up? "

> > > >

> > > > I'm reading the Road Less Traveled. Scot Peck talks about how he grew

> up and

> > > > left behind his parent's expectations for what he would be. In his

> case, he

> > > > was 15 and left boarding school against his parent's wishes.

> > > >

> > > > I think as KOs we are molded to enable our Nada's sickness and given

> > > > specific roles within the family. To shrug off these roles and walk

> away

> > > > from it because we want to lead our own lives is to grow up.

> > > >

> > > > In my case, I know the exact moment I grew up. I was 28 (old, I know)

> and I

> > > > decided to divorce my ass of a husband. This was something of a sin

> > > > according to the FOO and I knew my relationship would never be the

> same with

> > > > them. But I did it anyway. My FOO said the expected HORRRIBLE things,

> and I

> > > > have not really seen them since. I've seen them a few times, but I

> never did

> > > > pick my role and job in the family back up again.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else have this growing up experience? I prepped for it for

> months,

> > > > knowing I would be alone. But I didn't realize what a blessing the

> aloneness

> > > > would bring. I was scared. But I have LOVED it!

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

It was really nice to hear someone else say the same exact thing about growing

up with a BPD parent. My father set me up for failure so many times, 95% of

what he's ever told me has been a lie, started teaching me to turn on my mother

at only 3 years old, and I've spent my life catering to walking on eggshells

because of him. And not to mention he blocked me of ever being who I am because

he " needed " me to be what he wanted.

I moved out and in with my boyfriend an hour away from my father a week ago, and

the strangest things are starting to happen... I'm naturally doing things I

didn't even know where parts of me. For instance, I've always been a really

messy person, like beyond messy, and here I'm naturally a clean person. I'm not

trying to be that way, I just do it like it's a habit I've been doing all of my

life. It's something so small and I'm sure it sounds dumb to most people, but

it truly is upsetting that I didn't even know something this small about myself.

I've always been considered a person who knew who I am... I was even tormented

for it by kids in school who were apparently jealous of that (found out years

later).

I was planning on getting married in 2 months but now I've postponed it until

further notice. My boyfriend didn't take it well at all and definitely didn't

understand the BPD parent not knowing yourself thing. I just feel like I need

to take my newfound freedom and run with it until I find out who I am, where I

belong and what career path is right for me. There are so many questions and

too little answers. I cannot make a certain decision when 98% of my life feels

uncertain. Anyone ever been through that?

Btw, thanks for saying what you did (below). I read that off to my boyfriend in

hopes he would see it's normal for people with BPD parents, and maybe feel a

little guilty for yelling at me.

>

> >

>

> > Can anyone identify the moment they " grew up? "

>

> >

>

> > I'm reading the Road Less Traveled. Scot Peck talks about how he grew up and

>

> > left behind his parent's expectations for what he would be. In his case, he

>

> > was 15 and left boarding school against his parent's wishes.

>

> >

>

> > I think as KOs we are molded to enable our Nada's sickness and given

>

> > specific roles within the family. To shrug off these roles and walk away

>

> > from it because we want to lead our own lives is to grow up.

>

> >

>

> > In my case, I know the exact moment I grew up. I was 28 (old, I know) and I

>

> > decided to divorce my ass of a husband. This was something of a sin

>

> > according to the FOO and I knew my relationship would never be the same with

>

> > them. But I did it anyway. My FOO said the expected HORRRIBLE things, and I

>

> > have not really seen them since. I've seen them a few times, but I never did

>

> > pick my role and job in the family back up again.

>

> >

>

> > Anyone else have this growing up experience? I prepped for it for months,

>

> > knowing I would be alone. But I didn't realize what a blessing the aloneness

>

> > would bring. I was scared. But I have LOVED it!

>

> >

>

> >

>

> >