Guest guest Posted August 26, 2010 Report Share Posted August 26, 2010 WOW--what a kick in the face! I am a 46 year old woman who FINALLY understands why her mother could be loving one minute, and then hateful the next. Years of inconsistencies, head scratching, and guilt on my part are now being assuaged. For a while I just thought she was bi-polar, but that didn't really fit. I am now dealing with elderly parents (she's 77; he's 73). She has become absolutely despotic since her last surgery (after a few years of almost normal behavior). Father's response is even more cowed these days--he is completely buried under her verbal bullying and has no role except as her servant and to enforce her will. My sister and I are both " bad seeds. " She alternates between us who she is most angry with. I am churned up right now from being on a horrible 10 day family visit with her. I have now been properly apologetic for being a horrible daughter and she has stopped her siege, for now. (But I am still paying for slights from many years past, real or imagined on her part). I have done NC, for 6+ years when my children were young. I am trying to find a way to cope without going NC--as they are getting older I feel I should be able to take care of myself in spite of their illness. If I abandon them I will not only feel guilt because I, too, abandoned them (like they abandoned themselves), but I will have abandoned my sister to deal with this mess all by herself. On top of that, there is money involved. She's SUPPOSED to be supplying my 2 kids with 10k for college. She, of course, is getting as much manipulation as she possibly can out of this control issue. If my children already had their stipend, I would be greatly tempted to tell the old bat to FO. Sorry for the length--but am hoping to hear from others--successful coping mechanisms please!!! And yes, I am making an appointment with my therapist today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 27, 2010 Report Share Posted August 27, 2010 Echo - Hi, and welcome to the group. You said your parents have some money - that's wonderful. Let them spend it on home health aides so you and your sister can get the heck outta there. You two " bad seeds " should just up and plant yourselves elsewhere. Your sister won't be stuck with them if you BOTH opt for mental health over enmeshment. And $10K isn't that much money, given the cost of college tuition. For what you'll have to go through for it (and what your mom will probably expect from your kids) - you could all get a weekend job or spend your free time on a diligent scholarship search. The amount of time you spend catering to your crazy parents exacts a toll. Looking around for financial aid is a hassle, but at least you don't get a dose of emotional abuse in the process. Plus - as your children get older, they are not going to want to put up with Grandma's crazy behavior. Once they start pulling away or talking back to her, she can easily decide that they aren't worthy of her money, and pull the plug on the college fund. Much easier to concentrate on their academic success and mental health, so they can fund college without being subjected to her reign of terror. > > WOW--what a kick in the face! I am a 46 year old woman who FINALLY understands why her mother could be loving one minute, and then hateful the next. Years of inconsistencies, head scratching, and guilt on my part are now being assuaged. For a while I just thought she was bi-polar, but that didn't really fit. > > I am now dealing with elderly parents (she's 77; he's 73). She has become absolutely despotic since her last surgery (after a few years of almost normal behavior). Father's response is even more cowed these days--he is completely buried under her verbal bullying and has no role except as her servant and to enforce her will. > > My sister and I are both " bad seeds. " She alternates between us who she is most angry with. > > I am churned up right now from being on a horrible 10 day family visit with her. I have now been properly apologetic for being a horrible daughter and she has stopped her siege, for now. (But I am still paying for slights from many years past, real or imagined on her part). > > I have done NC, for 6+ years when my children were young. I am trying to find a way to cope without going NC--as they are getting older I feel I should be able to take care of myself in spite of their illness. If I abandon them I will not only feel guilt because I, too, abandoned them (like they abandoned themselves), but I will have abandoned my sister to deal with this mess all by herself. > > On top of that, there is money involved. She's SUPPOSED to be supplying my 2 kids with 10k for college. She, of course, is getting as much manipulation as she possibly can out of this control issue. If my children already had their stipend, I would be greatly tempted to tell the old bat to FO. > > Sorry for the length--but am hoping to hear from others--successful coping mechanisms please!!! And yes, I am making an appointment with my therapist today. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 27, 2010 Report Share Posted August 27, 2010 - I love this! I want to embroider it on a pillow! " You said your parents have some money - that's wonderful. Let them spend it on home health aides so you and your sister can get the heck outta there. " On Fri, Aug 27, 2010 at 6:45 AM, shirleyspawn wrote: > > > Echo - Hi, and welcome to the group. > > You said your parents have some money - that's wonderful. Let them spend it > on home health aides so you and your sister can get the heck outta there. > You two " bad seeds " should just up and plant yourselves elsewhere. Your > sister won't be stuck with them if you BOTH opt for mental health over > enmeshment. > > And $10K isn't that much money, given the cost of college tuition. For what > you'll have to go through for it (and what your mom will probably expect > from your kids) - you could all get a weekend job or spend your free time on > a diligent scholarship search. The amount of time you spend catering to your > crazy parents exacts a toll. Looking around for financial aid is a hassle, > but at least you don't get a dose of emotional abuse in the process. > > Plus - as your children get older, they are not going to want to put up > with Grandma's crazy behavior. Once they start pulling away or talking back > to her, she can easily decide that they aren't worthy of her money, and pull > the plug on the college fund. > > Much easier to concentrate on their academic success and mental health, so > they can fund college without being subjected to her reign of terror. > > > > > > > > > WOW--what a kick in the face! I am a 46 year old woman who FINALLY > understands why her mother could be loving one minute, and then hateful the > next. Years of inconsistencies, head scratching, and guilt on my part are > now being assuaged. For a while I just thought she was bi-polar, but that > didn't really fit. > > > > I am now dealing with elderly parents (she's 77; he's 73). She has become > absolutely despotic since her last surgery (after a few years of almost > normal behavior). Father's response is even more cowed these days--he is > completely buried under her verbal bullying and has no role except as her > servant and to enforce her will. > > > > My sister and I are both " bad seeds. " She alternates between us who she > is most angry with. > > > > I am churned up right now from being on a horrible 10 day family visit > with her. I have now been properly apologetic for being a horrible daughter > and she has stopped her siege, for now. (But I am still paying for slights > from many years past, real or imagined on her part). > > > > I have done NC, for 6+ years when my children were young. I am trying to > find a way to cope without going NC--as they are getting older I feel I > should be able to take care of myself in spite of their illness. If I > abandon them I will not only feel guilt because I, too, abandoned them (like > they abandoned themselves), but I will have abandoned my sister to deal with > this mess all by herself. > > > > On top of that, there is money involved. She's SUPPOSED to be supplying > my 2 kids with 10k for college. She, of course, is getting as much > manipulation as she possibly can out of this control issue. If my children > already had their stipend, I would be greatly tempted to tell the old bat to > FO. > > > > Sorry for the length--but am hoping to hear from others--successful > coping mechanisms please!!! And yes, I am making an appointment with my > therapist today. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 , I loved the comment about them being able to afford home health aides! I'm filing that away to use in the future, because surely this is a stand I am going to have to take some time in the future. Mom called today to tell me she sent the checks off for the kid's schooling. I'll only believe it if I see it in their accounts. I was expecting to get grilled at least one more time about " Where, exactly, is the money going to be? " Criminy! I'm almost 50 years old and found myself being questioned like a kid who never managed a checkbook before! As for my kids, they will be properly thankful. However, they know what grandma is like and are well schooled at avoiding her traps. I'll just be glad to have this over and done--I've been hearing the ups and downs about these funds for over 6 years as she squeezed out as much drama as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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