Re: A relevant quote about the role of parents

[Guest guest]

Hi annie

Could you send the link to this group? Thanks in advance.

Felicia Ward CPA

 

" To laugh often and much;

> to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

> to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false

> friends;

> to appreciate beauty;

> to find the best in others;

> to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,

> or a redeemed social condition;

> to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived.

> This is to have succeeded. "

> -Harry Emerson Fosdick

 

 

Subject: A relevant quote about the role of parents

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, August 10, 2010, 1:10 PM

 

I also belong to a Yahoo! support group for the adult children of narcissistic

pd parents because my nada has bpd (diagnosed) and many npd traits. The home

page of that Group has this quote and it just seems to be useful and relevant to

the adult children of borderline pd parents as well, so I thought I'd share it:

" Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's

longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are

with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your

thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not

their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of Tomorrow, which you cannot

visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to

make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. "

-Kahlil Gibran

That quote says to me in a very poetic way, that children are not objects or

possessions or mere extensions of their parents. Children are not put here on

earth for their parents to exploit or misuse, to latch onto and suck dry.

Instead, its the parents' prime directive (to use a Star Trek analogy) to put

their child's needs first, and guide and nurture their child to be as

self-actualized, confident, joyful, productive and good an individual, unique

adult human being as they can be.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

Annie,

that's a wonderful quote. I want to apply it in my own parenting of my kids.

Last year I saw a quote that said, " Your job as a parent is to prepare your kids

to eventually leave home. "

I loved that and wished my parents would have had wisdom in that sense to LET me

leave, physically and emotionally.

I want to develop as a mom to let my kids leave, too.

>

> I also belong to a Yahoo! support group for the adult children of narcissistic

pd parents because my nada has bpd (diagnosed) and many npd traits. The home

page of that Group has this quote and it just seems to be useful and relevant to

the adult children of borderline pd parents as well, so I thought I'd share it:

>

> " Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of

Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though

they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but

not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies

but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of Tomorrow, which you

cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with

yesterday. "

>

> -Kahlil Gibran

>

> That quote says to me in a very poetic way, that children are not objects or

possessions or mere extensions of their parents. Children are not put here on

earth for their parents to exploit or misuse, to latch onto and suck dry.

Instead, its the parents' prime directive (to use a Star Trek analogy) to put

their child's needs first, and guide and nurture their child to be as

self-actualized, confident, joyful, productive and good an individual, unique

adult human being as they can be.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

This quote you've shared is so excellent. I'm sharing it with my kids. I've

tried so hard to avoid being like my nada. I've tried to allow my kids to be

themselves, not who I think they should be. Allowed them to make their own

choices (as long as they were safe) and experience the consequences. I think

sometimes I've backed off too much, not spoken out about my worries and concerns

when they were young adults. Even now, I have concerns but I keep my mouth shut

until they ask what I think.

I'm so proud of them. They've turned into unique and wonderful adults in spite

of all my mistakes as a parent and I think it's because I allowed them to be

themselves. Maybe I did at least one thing right then.

>

> I also belong to a Yahoo! support group for the adult children of narcissistic

pd parents because my nada has bpd (diagnosed) and many npd traits. The home

page of that Group has this quote and it just seems to be useful and relevant to

the adult children of borderline pd parents as well, so I thought I'd share it:

>

> " Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of

Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though

they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but

not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies

but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of Tomorrow, which you

cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with

yesterday. "

>

> -Kahlil Gibran

>

> That quote says to me in a very poetic way, that children are not objects or

possessions or mere extensions of their parents. Children are not put here on

earth for their parents to exploit or misuse, to latch onto and suck dry.

Instead, its the parents' prime directive (to use a Star Trek analogy) to put

their child's needs first, and guide and nurture their child to be as

self-actualized, confident, joyful, productive and good an individual, unique

adult human being as they can be.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much Annie for this quote:

" Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's

longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are

with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your

thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not

their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of Tomorrow, which you cannot

visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to

make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. "

Those were exact thoughts and feelings I had after having my child. Knowing that

he came through me not from me. He's a free soul who needs love and affection as

a baby and adult later on. Never ever try to make him or deamnd him to love me

and if he does, that comes from his own goodness.

Once I remembered having a fight with nada when she tried to make me feel guilty

for causing her so much pain during labor. Hello, if you don't have those

contractions how do you suppose to give birth. But again, there's no point in

convincing them as they see their disturbed emotions as the only truth.

In some ways I think genetics play a big rule in bounding parents with their

children. You know, the physical similarities and etc.,... But again if I would

adopt a child I would love them uncoditionally anyway.

Ok, as weired as it sounds I belive some nadas see their children as a copycat

of them who possess the behaviours and the " self " that they don't like and they

do it unconsciously, with projecting what they don't like about themself to

their kids. Yes, it's sad but that's the way they know and learned to cope with

the self hatred. I keep the goodies to my self ( although sometimes that doesn't

last long either) and project you what I don't like about my self. So, suck it

up and nod your head so I would feel in control and content.

Yes, as much as they seem to love themselves it so clear to me that they're so

scared and hate themselves so they pass this little ball fire of dislike/hatred

to their kids. And again you can't say why you're doing it to your own kid. Kid,

what kid? They are the little me. The me in me that I don't like.

May all human beings despite their conditons heal.

>

> I also belong to a Yahoo! support group for the adult children of narcissistic

pd parents because my nada has bpd (diagnosed) and many npd traits. The home

page of that Group has this quote and it just seems to be useful and relevant to

the adult children of borderline pd parents as well, so I thought I'd share it:

>

> " Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of

Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though

they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but

not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies

but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of Tomorrow, which you

cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with

yesterday. "

>

> -Kahlil Gibran

>

> That quote says to me in a very poetic way, that children are not objects or

possessions or mere extensions of their parents. Children are not put here on

earth for their parents to exploit or misuse, to latch onto and suck dry.

Instead, its the parents' prime directive (to use a Star Trek analogy) to put

their child's needs first, and guide and nurture their child to be as

self-actualized, confident, joyful, productive and good an individual, unique

adult human being as they can be.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad you liked that quote too; I think it has a profound wisdom about it.

And I think you hit on the main reason why its the children of the personality

disordered who are at most risk and danger from them.

The personality-disordered mother projects her own self-loathing onto her child,

her reflection of herself (who does not exist for her as an individual person)

so her self-hatred is " outside " of herself, and she proceeds to punish and

excoriate the " bad parts " of herself in the form of punishing and mistreating

her child to the point where some children run away or kill themselves.

Its the main reason I think that kids need to be rescued from pd parents, they

are sometimes the only targets of the pd person's mental illness and kids are

the least able to protect themselves from it.

-Annie

>

>

> Thank you so much Annie for this quote:

>

> " Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of

Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though

they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but

not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies

but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of Tomorrow, which you

cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with

yesterday. "

>

> Those were exact thoughts and feelings I had after having my child. Knowing

that he came through me not from me. He's a free soul who needs love and

affection as a baby and adult later on. Never ever try to make him or deamnd him

to love me and if he does, that comes from his own goodness.

>

> Once I remembered having a fight with nada when she tried to make me feel

guilty for causing her so much pain during labor. Hello, if you don't have those

contractions how do you suppose to give birth. But again, there's no point in

convincing them as they see their disturbed emotions as the only truth.

>

> In some ways I think genetics play a big rule in bounding parents with their

children. You know, the physical similarities and etc.,... But again if I would

adopt a child I would love them uncoditionally anyway.

> Ok, as weired as it sounds I belive some nadas see their children as a copycat

of them who possess the behaviours and the " self " that they don't like and they

do it unconsciously, with projecting what they don't like about themself to

their kids. Yes, it's sad but that's the way they know and learned to cope with

the self hatred. I keep the goodies to my self ( although sometimes that doesn't

last long either) and project you what I don't like about my self. So, suck it

up and nod your head so I would feel in control and content.

>

> Yes, as much as they seem to love themselves it so clear to me that they're so

scared and hate themselves so they pass this little ball fire of dislike/hatred

to their kids. And again you can't say why you're doing it to your own kid. Kid,

what kid? They are the little me. The me in me that I don't like.

>

> May all human beings despite their conditons heal.

[Guest guest]

YEAH prime directive - that's my idea of religion!! Yay Star Trek!!!

-Annie

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > Thank you so much Annie for this quote:

> >

> > " Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of

> Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And

> though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your

> love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house

> their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of

> Tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to

> be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward

> nor tarries with yesterday. "

> >

> > Those were exact thoughts and feelings I had after having my child.

> Knowing that he came through me not from me. He's a free soul who needs love

> and affection as a baby and adult later on. Never ever try to make him or

> deamnd him to love me and if he does, that comes from his own goodness.

> >

> > Once I remembered having a fight with nada when she tried to make me feel

> guilty for causing her so much pain during labor. Hello, if you don't have

> those contractions how do you suppose to give birth. But again, there's no

> point in convincing them as they see their disturbed emotions as the only

> truth.

> >

> > In some ways I think genetics play a big rule in bounding parents with

> their children. You know, the physical similarities and etc.,... But again

> if I would adopt a child I would love them uncoditionally anyway.

> > Ok, as weired as it sounds I belive some nadas see their children as a

> copycat of them who possess the behaviours and the " self " that they don't

> like and they do it unconsciously, with projecting what they don't like

> about themself to their kids. Yes, it's sad but that's the way they know and

> learned to cope with the self hatred. I keep the goodies to my self (

> although sometimes that doesn't last long either) and project you what I

> don't like about my self. So, suck it up and nod your head so I would feel

> in control and content.

> >

> > Yes, as much as they seem to love themselves it so clear to me that

> they're so scared and hate themselves so they pass this little ball fire of

> dislike/hatred to their kids. And again you can't say why you're doing it to

> your own kid. Kid, what kid? They are the little me. The me in me that I

> don't like.

> >

> > May all human beings despite their conditons heal.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I remember reading that quote a long time ago and it had such a profound effect

on me...now I know why.

I always said I felt like I was my nada's (emotional) 'punching bag'. The self

hatred she has for herself makes sense to me why I was targeted and not my

brother, because I was her daughter, the little version of her. And I surely

took on self hatred and self abuse to the point of wanting to end it all...many

years ago...

I also feel like my whole life has been spent trying to NOT be like her, and I

think I took on a lot of my dad's traits because of that...another reason for

her to condemn and criticize me, which she still does to this day!

> >

> > I also belong to a Yahoo! support group for the adult children of

narcissistic pd parents because my nada has bpd (diagnosed) and many npd traits.

The home page of that Group has this quote and it just seems to be useful and

relevant to the adult children of borderline pd parents as well, so I thought

I'd share it:

> >

> > " Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of

Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though

they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but

not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies

but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of Tomorrow, which you

cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with

yesterday. "

> >

> > -Kahlil Gibran

> >

> > That quote says to me in a very poetic way, that children are not objects or

possessions or mere extensions of their parents. Children are not put here on

earth for their parents to exploit or misuse, to latch onto and suck dry.

Instead, its the parents' prime directive (to use a Star Trek analogy) to put

their child's needs first, and guide and nurture their child to be as

self-actualized, confident, joyful, productive and good an individual, unique

adult human being as they can be.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>