Guest guest Posted September 26, 2010 Report Share Posted September 26, 2010 Oh sweetheart, hugs! The fucking demons!!! > > > So, I went very LC with my nada almost 4 years ago. Not long after that, my > father was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers. > > I've seen them both a few times since then. Every, single time, my father > would find a moment to pull me aside and ask me to call my mother, FOR HIM. > I think one time he was not angry when he said it. He said something like, > " Well, I know how your mother is " and he was smiling. > > The other times, he was angry. One time he said that I needed to call her > because he was sick of listening to her " all night crying jags. " I told him > that I didn't want that much contact with her because I had to focus on my > own mental health. > > Anyway, so my family history, as I saw it, was that my parents often had a > father/daughter thing going. My father is tall and was big, so he often > yelled at nada and at me. He generally was not physical, but it wasn't > unheard of. One time, my nada was crying because of something she dug up, > uncrumpled and read from my garbage. Instead of asking me about it, when I > passed him in the hall, he just hit me. I was 14. > > So my nada could be very waify sometimes and my father would jump in to > " protect " her from me. Another time, she spent the whole day calling my > house (I was 29) and leaving messages about how I was obviously mad at her > (I just wasn't home all day), and the last message was from him, demanding I > call her. > > So when I got home, I called, and he answered with, " OH SO YOU ARE HOME? " > When I said I was out all day and I just got home, he said, " SURE YOU WERE. " > In this case, just because she was freaking out for no reason, he took her > side, per usual. Called me a liar. > > When I was a kid and I would knock on my father's bedroom door, I could > hear him mumble angrily, " GODDAMMIT. " and he'd come to the door and rip it > open, saying, " WHAT????!!! " > > So basically, my father had a quick temper, my nada used to get in my face > and yell. These visits after going LC were so anxiety producing, and my > father's shaming attitude towards me was the worst part of it. > > So he was just put in a care home for dementia. I've visited him twice so > far. > > He makes no sense 98% of the time. The first time I went to see him, he > looked at me with so much love, I wept. I don't remember him ever just > looking at me with pure love. The second visit, I was even more struck by > how frail he is. > > It took that second visit for me to fully, really grasp the reality of my > situation, and it is this: I was terrified of both of my parents. I felt > powerless with them. Trapped. Scared. Powerless. > > The second time I visited, the lady at the home said my mother had already > been there, so I knew she wasn't coming back that day, so I could relax > about that. And he is so out of it, I knew he would not shame me. Even if he > wanted to, he can not formulate the words. > > I feel sad, but I'm starting to feel freer. I know this probably sounds > fucked up. I don't know why I felt so powerless. Was it because my mother > has been badmouthing me to him forever? Because she expected a closeness > with her daughter she didn't expect from her son? Did she get in my face and > yell at me when I was a baby? Did my father yell at me more because I am > female? Was I more afraid because I'm female, and short? > > I tried so fucking hard to be stronger and not let his yelling (which he > did way into my adulthood, and voice raising) get to me. I tried to not be > fearful. Anytime a man yells at me, I quiver, go off and cry. And I was > always afraid of my mother's flip outs. > > At this stage, my father can barely mutter more than a whisper, he can't > physically hurt me, he can't even remember to blame me for my mother's > emotional problems, and it is the first time I feel relatively safe. > > This is really sad to me. > > Deanna > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2010 Report Share Posted September 26, 2010 Deanna - This has to be one of those weird KO things - feeling BETTER when our parent has Alzheimer's, because the dementia starts to cancel out the BPD or NPD!! That is beyond crazy, but I understand completely. My mom is starting to " lose it " a bit and the time is coming when she'll have to be in a nursing home for her own good - but at long last, maybe it will put a stop to the rest of the insane crap she's been dumping on me for decades. It'll just be a matter of keeping her clean and fed, and there will be staff for that. In what other universe would this be seen as a GOOD thing? > > So, I went very LC with my nada almost 4 years ago. Not long after that, my father was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers. > > I've seen them both a few times since then. Every, single time, my father would find a moment to pull me aside and ask me to call my mother, FOR HIM. I think one time he was not angry when he said it. He said something like, " Well, I know how your mother is " and he was smiling. > > The other times, he was angry. One time he said that I needed to call her because he was sick of listening to her " all night crying jags. " I told him that I didn't want that much contact with her because I had to focus on my own mental health. > > Anyway, so my family history, as I saw it, was that my parents often had a father/daughter thing going. My father is tall and was big, so he often yelled at nada and at me. He generally was not physical, but it wasn't unheard of. One time, my nada was crying because of something she dug up, uncrumpled and read from my garbage. Instead of asking me about it, when I passed him in the hall, he just hit me. I was 14. > > So my nada could be very waify sometimes and my father would jump in to " protect " her from me. Another time, she spent the whole day calling my house (I was 29) and leaving messages about how I was obviously mad at her (I just wasn't home all day), and the last message was from him, demanding I call her. > > So when I got home, I called, and he answered with, " OH SO YOU ARE HOME? " When I said I was out all day and I just got home, he said, " SURE YOU WERE. " In this case, just because she was freaking out for no reason, he took her side, per usual. Called me a liar. > > When I was a kid and I would knock on my father's bedroom door, I could hear him mumble angrily, " GODDAMMIT. " and he'd come to the door and rip it open, saying, " WHAT????!!! " > > So basically, my father had a quick temper, my nada used to get in my face and yell. These visits after going LC were so anxiety producing, and my father's shaming attitude towards me was the worst part of it. > > So he was just put in a care home for dementia. I've visited him twice so far. > > He makes no sense 98% of the time. The first time I went to see him, he looked at me with so much love, I wept. I don't remember him ever just looking at me with pure love. The second visit, I was even more struck by how frail he is. > > It took that second visit for me to fully, really grasp the reality of my situation, and it is this: I was terrified of both of my parents. I felt powerless with them. Trapped. Scared. Powerless. > > The second time I visited, the lady at the home said my mother had already been there, so I knew she wasn't coming back that day, so I could relax about that. And he is so out of it, I knew he would not shame me. Even if he wanted to, he can not formulate the words. > > I feel sad, but I'm starting to feel freer. I know this probably sounds fucked up. I don't know why I felt so powerless. Was it because my mother has been badmouthing me to him forever? Because she expected a closeness with her daughter she didn't expect from her son? Did she get in my face and yell at me when I was a baby? Did my father yell at me more because I am female? Was I more afraid because I'm female, and short? > > I tried so fucking hard to be stronger and not let his yelling (which he did way into my adulthood, and voice raising) get to me. I tried to not be fearful. Anytime a man yells at me, I quiver, go off and cry. And I was always afraid of my mother's flip outs. > > At this stage, my father can barely mutter more than a whisper, he can't physically hurt me, he can't even remember to blame me for my mother's emotional problems, and it is the first time I feel relatively safe. > > This is really sad to me. > > Deanna > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2010 Report Share Posted September 26, 2010 Deanna, Did you live in my house? Oh my...my father sounds exactly like yours...he wasn't always physical but he could just explode on me in a fit of screaming or hitting me. I never knew what to expect and like your mom, mine was waify too. I think you're doing the right thing -- doing what's best for you and taking care of yourself. The hard thing is that we weren't taught to do that and now when we do (which is normal for adults) we feel bad, sad, guilty, etc.... Sorry youre going through so much right now. Balance of Power So, I went very LC with my nada almost 4 years ago. Not long after that, my father was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers. I've seen them both a few times since then. Every, single time, my father would find a moment to pull me aside and ask me to call my mother, FOR HIM. I think one time he was not angry when he said it. He said something like, " Well, I know how your mother is " and he was smiling. The other times, he was angry. One time he said that I needed to call her because he was sick of listening to her " all night crying jags. " I told him that I didn't want that much contact with her because I had to focus on my own mental health. Anyway, so my family history, as I saw it, was that my parents often had a father/daughter thing going. My father is tall and was big, so he often yelled at nada and at me. He generally was not physical, but it wasn't unheard of. One time, my nada was crying because of something she dug up, uncrumpled and read from my garbage. Instead of asking me about it, when I passed him in the hall, he just hit me. I was 14. So my nada could be very waify sometimes and my father would jump in to " protect " her from me. Another time, she spent the whole day calling my house (I was 29) and leaving messages about how I was obviously mad at her (I just wasn't home all day), and the last message was from him, demanding I call her. So when I got home, I called, and he answered with, " OH SO YOU ARE HOME? " When I said I was out all day and I just got home, he said, " SURE YOU WERE. " In this case, just because she was freaking out for no reason, he took her side, per usual. Called me a liar. When I was a kid and I would knock on my father's bedroom door, I could hear him mumble angrily, " GODDAMMIT. " and he'd come to the door and rip it open, saying, " WHAT????!!! " So basically, my father had a quick temper, my nada used to get in my face and yell. These visits after going LC were so anxiety producing, and my father's shaming attitude towards me was the worst part of it. So he was just put in a care home for dementia. I've visited him twice so far. He makes no sense 98% of the time. The first time I went to see him, he looked at me with so much love, I wept. I don't remember him ever just looking at me with pure love. The second visit, I was even more struck by how frail he is. It took that second visit for me to fully, really grasp the reality of my situation, and it is this: I was terrified of both of my parents. I felt powerless with them. Trapped. Scared. Powerless. The second time I visited, the lady at the home said my mother had already been there, so I knew she wasn't coming back that day, so I could relax about that. And he is so out of it, I knew he would not shame me. Even if he wanted to, he can not formulate the words. I feel sad, but I'm starting to feel freer. I know this probably sounds fucked up. I don't know why I felt so powerless. Was it because my mother has been badmouthing me to him forever? Because she expected a closeness with her daughter she didn't expect from her son? Did she get in my face and yell at me when I was a baby? Did my father yell at me more because I am female? Was I more afraid because I'm female, and short? I tried so fucking hard to be stronger and not let his yelling (which he did way into my adulthood, and voice raising) get to me. I tried to not be fearful. Anytime a man yells at me, I quiver, go off and cry. And I was always afraid of my mother's flip outs. At this stage, my father can barely mutter more than a whisper, he can't physically hurt me, he can't even remember to blame me for my mother's emotional problems, and it is the first time I feel relatively safe. This is really sad to me. Deanna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2010 Report Share Posted September 26, 2010 ((((((Deanna))))))) I totally get your being physically afraid of your parents. And the anxiety and dread and tenseness that engenders just being around them. I'm glad for you that at long last you have no reason to physically fear either of them any longer, and your fada can't verbally abuse you any longer, either. Your description of getting that one genuinely loving look from him made my eyes tear up. I'm glad you have that memory, now. My nada is now in her 80's and is a wispy, fragile little bird of a person, yet seeing her walking toward me a couple of months back, when I arrived at the airport to attend a family function... I could feel my whole body tense up with anxiety, due most likely to ingrained memories of her approaching me and with no warning striking me. Sure enough, even though I politely greeted her and gave her a brief hug, she managed to insult me instead of greeting me. In a way I was.. not glad, but I guess, " validated. " I wasn't sure how she would behave toward me after such a long period of no contact. I was dreading the possibility that she'd go waify on me and break down crying, or that she would perhaps trigger into a rage. But instead, she fell back on being polite but insulting. So... yay! It just confirmed my resolution to remain in no contact. -Annie > > So, I went very LC with my nada almost 4 years ago. Not long after that, my father was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers. > > I've seen them both a few times since then. Every, single time, my father would find a moment to pull me aside and ask me to call my mother, FOR HIM. I think one time he was not angry when he said it. He said something like, " Well, I know how your mother is " and he was smiling. > > The other times, he was angry. One time he said that I needed to call her because he was sick of listening to her " all night crying jags. " I told him that I didn't want that much contact with her because I had to focus on my own mental health. > > Anyway, so my family history, as I saw it, was that my parents often had a father/daughter thing going. My father is tall and was big, so he often yelled at nada and at me. He generally was not physical, but it wasn't unheard of. One time, my nada was crying because of something she dug up, uncrumpled and read from my garbage. Instead of asking me about it, when I passed him in the hall, he just hit me. I was 14. > > So my nada could be very waify sometimes and my father would jump in to " protect " her from me. Another time, she spent the whole day calling my house (I was 29) and leaving messages about how I was obviously mad at her (I just wasn't home all day), and the last message was from him, demanding I call her. > > So when I got home, I called, and he answered with, " OH SO YOU ARE HOME? " When I said I was out all day and I just got home, he said, " SURE YOU WERE. " In this case, just because she was freaking out for no reason, he took her side, per usual. Called me a liar. > > When I was a kid and I would knock on my father's bedroom door, I could hear him mumble angrily, " GODDAMMIT. " and he'd come to the door and rip it open, saying, " WHAT????!!! " > > So basically, my father had a quick temper, my nada used to get in my face and yell. These visits after going LC were so anxiety producing, and my father's shaming attitude towards me was the worst part of it. > > So he was just put in a care home for dementia. I've visited him twice so far. > > He makes no sense 98% of the time. The first time I went to see him, he looked at me with so much love, I wept. I don't remember him ever just looking at me with pure love. The second visit, I was even more struck by how frail he is. > > It took that second visit for me to fully, really grasp the reality of my situation, and it is this: I was terrified of both of my parents. I felt powerless with them. Trapped. Scared. Powerless. > > The second time I visited, the lady at the home said my mother had already been there, so I knew she wasn't coming back that day, so I could relax about that. And he is so out of it, I knew he would not shame me. Even if he wanted to, he can not formulate the words. > > I feel sad, but I'm starting to feel freer. I know this probably sounds fucked up. I don't know why I felt so powerless. Was it because my mother has been badmouthing me to him forever? Because she expected a closeness with her daughter she didn't expect from her son? Did she get in my face and yell at me when I was a baby? Did my father yell at me more because I am female? Was I more afraid because I'm female, and short? > > I tried so fucking hard to be stronger and not let his yelling (which he did way into my adulthood, and voice raising) get to me. I tried to not be fearful. Anytime a man yells at me, I quiver, go off and cry. And I was always afraid of my mother's flip outs. > > At this stage, my father can barely mutter more than a whisper, he can't physically hurt me, he can't even remember to blame me for my mother's emotional problems, and it is the first time I feel relatively safe. > > This is really sad to me. > > Deanna > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2010 Report Share Posted September 26, 2010 Hugs Deanna, I can so relate to this. I have a waify nada who I suspect is bpd and my fada is definitely npd, these two types must be drawn to each other. It makes me really mad that your dad indicted you for being the cause of your mothers grieving when a) she probably was grieving childhood abandonment issues that had nothing to do with you and b)she was clearly depressed and or mentally ill and someone needed to tell him to take her to a damn shrink. My father is a rageaholic like this, a yeller, a breaker of my things, a threatener, a pocket knife thrower, etc. About ten years ago I had a boss that backed me up against a file cabinet and yelled in my face for at least a minute solid in front of the whole staff in my department. It took a couple years but I eventually got dirt on him and got him fired. And he would only do it to the women in our department, not the men. In fact the very first day I saw him, through the glass in the office on his very first day, I thought, oh god, he is just like my father, we are not going to get along. This was before I ever heard him speak a word. I am glad you are finally getting free of it. > > So, I went very LC with my nada almost 4 years ago. Not long after that, my father was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers. > > I've seen them both a few times since then. Every, single time, my father would find a moment to pull me aside and ask me to call my mother, FOR HIM. I think one time he was not angry when he said it. He said something like, " Well, I know how your mother is " and he was smiling. > > The other times, he was angry. One time he said that I needed to call her because he was sick of listening to her " all night crying jags. " I told him that I didn't want that much contact with her because I had to focus on my own mental health. > > Anyway, so my family history, as I saw it, was that my parents often had a father/daughter thing going. My father is tall and was big, so he often yelled at nada and at me. He generally was not physical, but it wasn't unheard of. One time, my nada was crying because of something she dug up, uncrumpled and read from my garbage. Instead of asking me about it, when I passed him in the hall, he just hit me. I was 14. > > So my nada could be very waify sometimes and my father would jump in to " protect " her from me. Another time, she spent the whole day calling my house (I was 29) and leaving messages about how I was obviously mad at her (I just wasn't home all day), and the last message was from him, demanding I call her. > > So when I got home, I called, and he answered with, " OH SO YOU ARE HOME? " When I said I was out all day and I just got home, he said, " SURE YOU WERE. " In this case, just because she was freaking out for no reason, he took her side, per usual. Called me a liar. > > When I was a kid and I would knock on my father's bedroom door, I could hear him mumble angrily, " GODDAMMIT. " and he'd come to the door and rip it open, saying, " WHAT????!!! " > > So basically, my father had a quick temper, my nada used to get in my face and yell. These visits after going LC were so anxiety producing, and my father's shaming attitude towards me was the worst part of it. > > So he was just put in a care home for dementia. I've visited him twice so far. > > He makes no sense 98% of the time. The first time I went to see him, he looked at me with so much love, I wept. I don't remember him ever just looking at me with pure love. The second visit, I was even more struck by how frail he is. > > It took that second visit for me to fully, really grasp the reality of my situation, and it is this: I was terrified of both of my parents. I felt powerless with them. Trapped. Scared. Powerless. > > The second time I visited, the lady at the home said my mother had already been there, so I knew she wasn't coming back that day, so I could relax about that. And he is so out of it, I knew he would not shame me. Even if he wanted to, he can not formulate the words. > > I feel sad, but I'm starting to feel freer. I know this probably sounds fucked up. I don't know why I felt so powerless. Was it because my mother has been badmouthing me to him forever? Because she expected a closeness with her daughter she didn't expect from her son? Did she get in my face and yell at me when I was a baby? Did my father yell at me more because I am female? Was I more afraid because I'm female, and short? > > I tried so fucking hard to be stronger and not let his yelling (which he did way into my adulthood, and voice raising) get to me. I tried to not be fearful. Anytime a man yells at me, I quiver, go off and cry. And I was always afraid of my mother's flip outs. > > At this stage, my father can barely mutter more than a whisper, he can't physically hurt me, he can't even remember to blame me for my mother's emotional problems, and it is the first time I feel relatively safe. > > This is really sad to me. > > Deanna > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2010 Report Share Posted September 27, 2010 How ladylike , GirlScout Cowboy! Lol. But I must agree, the fucking demons! Deanna, you have every right to be sad. Give yourself permission to grieve what happened to you, the loss of the parents you should have had, the loss of a normal childhood or relationship. Grieve, then begin to heal. Doug > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2010 Report Share Posted September 27, 2010 ha ha ha ha ha, I talk more like a Cowboy than a Girlscout, i guess. SMILES! > > > How ladylike , GirlScout Cowboy! Lol. > > But I must agree, the fucking demons! > > Deanna, you have every right to be sad. Give yourself permission to > grieve what happened to you, the loss of the parents you should have > had, the loss of a normal childhood or relationship. Grieve, then begin > to heal. > > Doug > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2010 Report Share Posted September 27, 2010 Thank you so much everyone for your kind responses. phine, that yelling from your boss sounds awful. He could have been FIRED for that. I'm glad he is gone now. Deanna > > Hugs Deanna, I can so relate to this. I have a waify nada who I suspect is bpd and my fada is definitely npd, these two types must be drawn to each other. > > It makes me really mad that your dad indicted you for being the cause of your mothers grieving when a) she probably was grieving childhood abandonment issues that had nothing to do with you and b)she was clearly depressed and or mentally ill and someone needed to tell him to take her to a damn shrink. My father is a rageaholic like this, a yeller, a breaker of my things, a threatener, a pocket knife thrower, etc. About ten years ago I had a boss that backed me up against a file cabinet and yelled in my face for at least a minute solid in front of the whole staff in my department. It took a couple years but I eventually got dirt on him and got him fired. And he would only do it to the women in our department, not the men. In fact the very first day I saw him, through the glass in the office on his very first day, I thought, oh god, he is just like my father, we are not going to get along. This was before I ever heard him speak a word. > > I am glad you are finally getting free of it. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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