Balance of Power

[Guest guest]

So, I went very LC with my nada almost 4 years ago. Not long after that, my

father was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers.

I've seen them both a few times since then. Every, single time, my father would

find a moment to pull me aside and ask me to call my mother, FOR HIM. I think

one time he was not angry when he said it. He said something like, " Well, I

know how your mother is " and he was smiling.

The other times, he was angry. One time he said that I needed to call her

because he was sick of listening to her " all night crying jags. " I told him

that I didn't want that much contact with her because I had to focus on my own

mental health.

Anyway, so my family history, as I saw it, was that my parents often had a

father/daughter thing going. My father is tall and was big, so he often yelled

at nada and at me. He generally was not physical, but it wasn't unheard of.

One time, my nada was crying because of something she dug up, uncrumpled and

read from my garbage. Instead of asking me about it, when I passed him in the

hall, he just hit me. I was 14.

So my nada could be very waify sometimes and my father would jump in to

" protect " her from me. Another time, she spent the whole day calling my house

(I was 29) and leaving messages about how I was obviously mad at her (I just

wasn't home all day), and the last message was from him, demanding I call her.

So when I got home, I called, and he answered with, " OH SO YOU ARE HOME? " When

I said I was out all day and I just got home, he said, " SURE YOU WERE. " In this

case, just because she was freaking out for no reason, he took her side, per

usual. Called me a liar.

When I was a kid and I would knock on my father's bedroom door, I could hear him

mumble angrily, " GODDAMMIT. " and he'd come to the door and rip it open, saying,

" WHAT????!!! "

So basically, my father had a quick temper, my nada used to get in my face and

yell. These visits after going LC were so anxiety producing, and my father's

shaming attitude towards me was the worst part of it.

So he was just put in a care home for dementia. I've visited him twice so far.

He makes no sense 98% of the time. The first time I went to see him, he looked

at me with so much love, I wept. I don't remember him ever just looking at me

with pure love. The second visit, I was even more struck by how frail he is.

It took that second visit for me to fully, really grasp the reality of my

situation, and it is this: I was terrified of both of my parents. I felt

powerless with them. Trapped. Scared. Powerless.

The second time I visited, the lady at the home said my mother had already been

there, so I knew she wasn't coming back that day, so I could relax about that.

And he is so out of it, I knew he would not shame me. Even if he wanted to, he

can not formulate the words.

I feel sad, but I'm starting to feel freer. I know this probably sounds fucked

up. I don't know why I felt so powerless. Was it because my mother has been

badmouthing me to him forever? Because she expected a closeness with her

daughter she didn't expect from her son? Did she get in my face and yell at me

when I was a baby? Did my father yell at me more because I am female? Was I

more afraid because I'm female, and short?

I tried so fucking hard to be stronger and not let his yelling (which he did way

into my adulthood, and voice raising) get to me. I tried to not be fearful.

Anytime a man yells at me, I quiver, go off and cry. And I was always afraid of

my mother's flip outs.

At this stage, my father can barely mutter more than a whisper, he can't

physically hurt me, he can't even remember to blame me for my mother's emotional

problems, and it is the first time I feel relatively safe.

This is really sad to me.

Deanna