Re: I'm freaking out

August 10, 2010

Sofia,

I wouldn't tell them that you might be moving. I'd wait until it

is definite and then inform them that you *are* moving. If you

tell them you might do it, they'll see that as a big invitation

to talk you out of it. They'll almost certainly still try if you

tell them it is definitely happening, but if they do, you can

tell them that the subject isn't up for discussion and take

whatever actions are necessary to drive that point home.

Remember, you don't have to justify your decision to them. Don't

let them make you feel that you have to do so because nothing

you say will convince them that your choice is right. They can

say all the negative things they want but you don't have to

agree to listen to them. When my nada insists on talking about

things she's been told I'm not going to discuss with her, I hang

up the phone or leave if I'm with her.

At 11:40 AM 08/10/2010 Sofia wrote:

>I'm feeling anxious and a lot of fear about announcing to my

>nada and fada

>that we might be relocating out of state which means selling

>our house at a

>loss (they helped us w/ the down payment but don't have any

>ownership of our

>house) and moving further away from them. We live out of state

>but it's

>driving distance now vs. we will be a 2 hour plane ride away.

>Thing is they

>are very attached to my son who is 2 and I know this will be

>devastating

>news to them and they will negatively react to it and convince

>us not to do

>it. My husband has been out of work due to illness for over a

>year and we

>can't afford to live up here anymore in New England and I have

>an

>opportunity to move to a better job with more money where it's

>cheaper to

>live and the area is beautiful. We have a couple of connections

>there who

>will help us w/ the transition and all my good friends are so

>supportive of

>this opportunity and think it will be great for us. I figure we

>should cut

>our losses now instead of waiting to be in a situation where we

>have to

>foreclose on our house and lose credit and not be able to buy a

>home later.

>Keeping up with the bills has been a nightmare and I feel like

>we're

>starting to drown. Also I commute a total of 10 hours a week

>and I am burnt

>by the end of the day and week and we spend a fortune on gas

>and

>maintenance.

>So overall lots of good reasons to make this move, however, my

>nada will

>make it about her and make it seem we are abandoning them and

>choosing my

>husband's family (they are living in the area we plan to move

>to) over them

>and how could I take their grandson away from them and abandon

>my house,

>etc. I must not have been financially responsible, etc. My

>husband is lazy

>for not getting a job, etc.

>I can already hear all the negative things she'll say and make

>me feel like

>crap to do what she wants and to alleviate her stress and

>anxiety.

>My nada defines success by how much property you own and values

>money and

>material things over healthy relationships and peace of mind.

>Also she

>reacts violently to change. Every time something changes in our

>family (even

>if it's a good positive thing) she can't deal with it normally

>and

>overreacts and catastrophizes. She just has a hard time

>regulating her

>emotions.

>

>My sister suggested I tell them my job is transferring me and I

>have no

>choice but my husband thinks I should stay strong and just tell

>them we've

>decided to take this great opportunity. As you all know (my

>husband doesn't

>get this) it's very hard to be fully honest with a BPD person.

>I feel like

>less is more in this case. I'm wondering how to prepare for an

>explosive

>episode. I literally feel knots in my stomach, am getting a

>headache, feel

>like I'm going to pass out from the anxiety and stress of it

>all.

>How would you handle it? How should I announce it to them? Am I

>doing the

>right thing? Any advice and support and encouragement would be

>so

>appreciated now. I read that moving is the third most stressful

>experience

>for a person but add having to deal with a BPD parent and

>enabling other

>parent to the list and we're talking HIGH STRESS!

>Ugh.

>

>thanks everyone!

>

>--

>--Sofia

--

Katrina

August 10, 2010

(((((((Sofia)))))))

I understand how anxious you're feeling about announcing your decision to your

controlling, domineering, personality-disordered parents.

Maybe it will help to keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for how

your mother feels about ANYthing. Its her choice to either be upset or not

upset.

Keep telling yourself that its OK for you and your husband to make decisions

based on your needs, your own family's needs, not your parents' needs. Its

actually rather blatantly cruel and abusive for your mother to give you a hard

time and attempt to make you feel guilty about something that is in YOUR /your

husband's and your child's best interest.

Maybe instead of feeling anxious and feeling misplaced guilt, try feeling a

little angry. Its very unfair, unjust, and selfish for your mother to try to

make your life revolve around her. How *dare* she try to manipulate you into

staying near her, for her convenience, when you really need this new,

better-paying job in another state?

Anger (when used in appropriate context) is empowering. A sense of outrage at

being treated unjustly can help you replace unhealthy, weak, self-defeating

anxiety and misplaced feelings of guilt with an energetic and self-actualized

sense of personal power. Of course you are making the right decision, and if

your mother chooses to feel angry and upset or if she tries to retaliate against

you and hurt you because of it, then that's HER dysfunctional, empathyless,

narcissistic decision.

When you tell her, let her manipulations just slide off you (because you don't

accept or deserve the guilt she's trying to make you feel.) Like a broken

record, just keep repeating, " I know you are upset, mom, but this is the best

choice for Husband, Baby and me. I hope you will be happy for us. "

Keep reminding yourself that you do not need your mother to agree to your

decision, you don't need her permission, or her validation.

You can acknowledge that you understand that she is sad about it because she

will see less of you, that's normal and reasonable, but when she starts trying

to manipulate you (make you feel guilty, make you feel bad, make you change your

mind) then you can simply end the conversation. " I realize that you are upset,

mom, but if you're going to try and make me feel guilty or wrong for making this

decision then I'll have to hang up now. Talk to you later. "

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I'm feeling anxious and a lot of fear about announcing to my nada and fada

> that we might be relocating out of state which means selling our house at a

> loss (they helped us w/ the down payment but don't have any ownership of our

> house) and moving further away from them. We live out of state but it's

> driving distance now vs. we will be a 2 hour plane ride away. Thing is they

> are very attached to my son who is 2 and I know this will be devastating

> news to them and they will negatively react to it and convince us not to do

> it. My husband has been out of work due to illness for over a year and we

> can't afford to live up here anymore in New England and I have an

> opportunity to move to a better job with more money where it's cheaper to

> live and the area is beautiful. We have a couple of connections there who

> will help us w/ the transition and all my good friends are so supportive of

> this opportunity and think it will be great for us. I figure we should cut

> our losses now instead of waiting to be in a situation where we have to

> foreclose on our house and lose credit and not be able to buy a home later.

> Keeping up with the bills has been a nightmare and I feel like we're

> starting to drown. Also I commute a total of 10 hours a week and I am burnt

> by the end of the day and week and we spend a fortune on gas and

> maintenance.

> So overall lots of good reasons to make this move, however, my nada will

> make it about her and make it seem we are abandoning them and choosing my

> husband's family (they are living in the area we plan to move to) over them

> and how could I take their grandson away from them and abandon my house,

> etc. I must not have been financially responsible, etc. My husband is lazy

> for not getting a job, etc.

> I can already hear all the negative things she'll say and make me feel like

> crap to do what she wants and to alleviate her stress and anxiety.

> My nada defines success by how much property you own and values money and

> material things over healthy relationships and peace of mind. Also she

> reacts violently to change. Every time something changes in our family (even

> if it's a good positive thing) she can't deal with it normally and

> overreacts and catastrophizes. She just has a hard time regulating her

> emotions.

>

> My sister suggested I tell them my job is transferring me and I have no

> choice but my husband thinks I should stay strong and just tell them we've

> decided to take this great opportunity. As you all know (my husband doesn't

> get this) it's very hard to be fully honest with a BPD person. I feel like

> less is more in this case. I'm wondering how to prepare for an explosive

> episode. I literally feel knots in my stomach, am getting a headache, feel

> like I'm going to pass out from the anxiety and stress of it all.

> How would you handle it? How should I announce it to them? Am I doing the

> right thing? Any advice and support and encouragement would be so

> appreciated now. I read that moving is the third most stressful experience

> for a person but add having to deal with a BPD parent and enabling other

> parent to the list and we're talking HIGH STRESS!

> Ugh.

>

> thanks everyone!

>

> --

> --Sofia

>

> " To laugh often and much;

> to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

> to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false

> friends;

> to appreciate beauty;

> to find the best in others;

> to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,

> or a redeemed social condition;

> to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived.

> This is to have succeeded. "

> -Harry Emerson Fosdick

>

August 10, 2010

I totally agree with what everyone says, but I have one thing to add. Don't

forget, its up to you how much you tell them, when you tell them, if you

tell them and leave, if you tell them and then hang up the phone. You can

tell them in a text from the plane for all the rights they have. It's not

their choice and its not their life. And if they won't drop it and support

you - guess what, you don't have to pick up the phone when they call.

Girl Power!! (and boy power, survival power. But in this case, girl power).

Ha ha, good luck. Let us know how it goes.

On Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 2:53 PM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

> Sofia - Annie's advice about HOW to tell them is spot-on, I think. You can

> certainly delay telling them until everything is far along in the process,

> but eventually they'll notice that you're packing, so " girding your loins "

> and rehearsing a script might help - it's better than generating your own

> anxiety by " awfulizing " their (imagined) response. Yes, they will probably

> be a pain about it. But you have to go. There's no choice for your family.

> They'll have to get over it, and you have enough other stuff to worry about.

>

> If you can possibly pay them back for the down payment on the house when

> you sell, that would help to pry their talons out of your back a little. If

> you have to make payments later, after you get to your new job, that might

> help YOU because it will eliminate one more topic of conversation (i.e. a

> way to twist the knife and make you feel like you owe them).

>

> But as far as " taking their grandchild from them " - here in the U.S. most

> of our ancestors moved FAR away from family because they needed a fresh

> economic start. It's the American way! And in this current bad economy, a

> lot of people are having to relocate where the jobs are. You didn't choose

> for your husband to get sick. You didn't choose for the economy to falter.

> You're doing what you have to do to support yourself and your family. It's

> what grownups do. No need to let anybody make you feel bad, no matter how

> hard they try. If your parents really want to maintain contact with your

> son, they can get Skype and a computer-mounted camera, and they can

> videoconference with their grandchild (with your supervision, of course).

> They can email. They can have phone calls when it's convenient for you. Lots

> of kids have a long-distance relationship with grandparents. That's life -

> it's not a catastrophe.

>

> Best of luck with the house sale and move, and the new job!

>

> >

> > I'm feeling anxious and a lot of fear about announcing to my nada and

> fada

> > that we might be relocating out of state which means selling our house at

> a

> > loss (they helped us w/ the down payment but don't have any ownership of

> our

> > house) and moving further away from them. We live out of state but it's

> > driving distance now vs. we will be a 2 hour plane ride away. Thing is

> they

> > are very attached to my son who is 2 and I know this will be devastating

> > news to them and they will negatively react to it and convince us not to

> do

> > it. My husband has been out of work due to illness for over a year and we

> > can't afford to live up here anymore in New England and I have an

> > opportunity to move to a better job with more money where it's cheaper to

> > live and the area is beautiful. We have a couple of connections there who

> > will help us w/ the transition and all my good friends are so supportive

> of

> > this opportunity and think it will be great for us. I figure we should

> cut

> > our losses now instead of waiting to be in a situation where we have to

> > foreclose on our house and lose credit and not be able to buy a home

> later.

> > Keeping up with the bills has been a nightmare and I feel like we're

> > starting to drown. Also I commute a total of 10 hours a week and I am

> burnt

> > by the end of the day and week and we spend a fortune on gas and

> > maintenance.

> > So overall lots of good reasons to make this move, however, my nada will

> > make it about her and make it seem we are abandoning them and choosing my

> > husband's family (they are living in the area we plan to move to) over

> them

> > and how could I take their grandson away from them and abandon my house,

> > etc. I must not have been financially responsible, etc. My husband is

> lazy

> > for not getting a job, etc.

> > I can already hear all the negative things she'll say and make me feel

> like

> > crap to do what she wants and to alleviate her stress and anxiety.

> > My nada defines success by how much property you own and values money and

> > material things over healthy relationships and peace of mind. Also she

> > reacts violently to change. Every time something changes in our family

> (even

> > if it's a good positive thing) she can't deal with it normally and

> > overreacts and catastrophizes. She just has a hard time regulating her

> > emotions.

> >

> > My sister suggested I tell them my job is transferring me and I have no

> > choice but my husband thinks I should stay strong and just tell them

> we've

> > decided to take this great opportunity. As you all know (my husband

> doesn't

> > get this) it's very hard to be fully honest with a BPD person. I feel

> like

> > less is more in this case. I'm wondering how to prepare for an explosive

> > episode. I literally feel knots in my stomach, am getting a headache,

> feel

> > like I'm going to pass out from the anxiety and stress of it all.

> > How would you handle it? How should I announce it to them? Am I doing the

> > right thing? Any advice and support and encouragement would be so

> > appreciated now. I read that moving is the third most stressful

> experience

> > for a person but add having to deal with a BPD parent and enabling other

> > parent to the list and we're talking HIGH STRESS!

> > Ugh.

> >

> > thanks everyone!

> >

> > --

> > --Sofia

> >

> > " To laugh often and much;

> > to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

> > to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of

> false

> > friends;

> > to appreciate beauty;

> > to find the best in others;

> > to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden

> patch,

> > or a redeemed social condition;

> > to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived.

> > This is to have succeeded. "

> > -Harry Emerson Fosdick

> >

August 10, 2010

Hi,

It is interesting but when I was reading about all the things that you

thought your nada would say or do in reaction to " change " ...I thought well what

if you give her permission to do that.

I mean I have kids that don't like change. I know that they need to deal

with it. Sometimes they just need to vent, but it doesn't change what is going

to happen next. For some reason we can as parents accept this of our children.

Wonder if you saw your mother as a child...what she says...(think a child might

say " I hate you " but you don't take it as being true and it doesn't hurt you

because you look at all that is contributing to this outburst. You may not even

react to it...but just continue to get ready to go (thinking about taking the

kid from one situation to the next). It is too bad he is unhappy but that is

not the goal...to make him happy. The goal is the big picture. I think that

how we interpret things is a big deal.

As far as a house...I think it is stupid to own a house right now. It limits

you...it limits how much money you have, where you will spend you money. And

the very fact that mom and dad sold you by putting down the money for your house

shows that they wanted to own you. You are an adult...not a slave. You don't

wish to work for the house/your parents anymore. it is time to go. Your

parents will find other ways to be in your life and sons life or they won't that

is their choice and their life...you don't own them either.

Well it is easy to say ...but i know you have a lot of emotions wrapped up in

this. But think about it ...if all the stress from all that you are going

through impairs your family, your health, your ability to make payments on the

house. Well it is like the house is on fire are you going to just stay in their

and get burned up along with everyone inside just so you don't have to face your

mother. Get out.