I'm freaking out

[Guest guest]

I'm feeling anxious and a lot of fear about announcing to my nada and fada

that we might be relocating out of state which means selling our house at a

loss (they helped us w/ the down payment but don't have any ownership of our

house) and moving further away from them. We live out of state but it's

driving distance now vs. we will be a 2 hour plane ride away. Thing is they

are very attached to my son who is 2 and I know this will be devastating

news to them and they will negatively react to it and convince us not to do

it. My husband has been out of work due to illness for over a year and we

can't afford to live up here anymore in New England and I have an

opportunity to move to a better job with more money where it's cheaper to

live and the area is beautiful. We have a couple of connections there who

will help us w/ the transition and all my good friends are so supportive of

this opportunity and think it will be great for us. I figure we should cut

our losses now instead of waiting to be in a situation where we have to

foreclose on our house and lose credit and not be able to buy a home later.

Keeping up with the bills has been a nightmare and I feel like we're

starting to drown. Also I commute a total of 10 hours a week and I am burnt

by the end of the day and week and we spend a fortune on gas and

maintenance.

So overall lots of good reasons to make this move, however, my nada will

make it about her and make it seem we are abandoning them and choosing my

husband's family (they are living in the area we plan to move to) over them

and how could I take their grandson away from them and abandon my house,

etc. I must not have been financially responsible, etc. My husband is lazy

for not getting a job, etc.

I can already hear all the negative things she'll say and make me feel like

crap to do what she wants and to alleviate her stress and anxiety.

My nada defines success by how much property you own and values money and

material things over healthy relationships and peace of mind. Also she

reacts violently to change. Every time something changes in our family (even

if it's a good positive thing) she can't deal with it normally and

overreacts and catastrophizes. She just has a hard time regulating her

emotions.

My sister suggested I tell them my job is transferring me and I have no

choice but my husband thinks I should stay strong and just tell them we've

decided to take this great opportunity. As you all know (my husband doesn't

get this) it's very hard to be fully honest with a BPD person. I feel like

less is more in this case. I'm wondering how to prepare for an explosive

episode. I literally feel knots in my stomach, am getting a headache, feel

like I'm going to pass out from the anxiety and stress of it all.

How would you handle it? How should I announce it to them? Am I doing the

right thing? Any advice and support and encouragement would be so

appreciated now. I read that moving is the third most stressful experience

for a person but add having to deal with a BPD parent and enabling other

parent to the list and we're talking HIGH STRESS!

Ugh.

thanks everyone!

--

--Sofia

" To laugh often and much;

to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false

friends;

to appreciate beauty;

to find the best in others;

to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,

or a redeemed social condition;

to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived.

This is to have succeeded. "

-Harry Emerson Fosdick