I don't want to feel alone anymore! I could use someone in my shoes!

[Guest guest]

I have been battling with my mother for years now and I decided to not see her

anymore at the beginning of summer this year due to constant battles. I was

exhausted from her battering me mentally and then I tried to explain why I felt

hurt and she always came back with years of things she hated about me and how I

should be there for everyone else. Long story! So here goes some of it.

I only found this sight after searching for help so I don't feel so alone and

try and figure out if there is truly anything I can do to not feel so alone in

my family. After months I recieve an email from my mom pooring out her feelings

that she wants to work things out and that she is willing to go to counseling

and that she loves me and no matter what I say she is willing to do something.

I email her back, since every phone call or in person conversation ends in a

huge blow up, so I will not put myself through that anymore. Mind you, there is

a very big reason that she now wants to patch things up and her reason are not

for me, it is again for her benefit. Can explain that later. I told her with

the timing it looks like she is not trying to make things right with me for the

right reasons and if she isn't, then just wait till she truly wants to get help

for all of us.

She replies back completely upset, saying once again that she can't fix me and

it pains her I am so awful and says just forget it. This is in an couple hour

span. No surprise to me, but again, I feel the exhaustion immediatly. I

offered for my husband and father to talk, as I really don't have a great

relationship communication ways with my father, and she said just forget it all.

I made an appointment for myself to go see a counsler and shared all our emails

with him and wanted to see if I was just not getting her and am I in some way

being rediculous. He met with me and talk for about an hour, and he spent a

couple hours earlier reading all our emails and he really thinks that she has a

personality disorder. I, in the past have made comments to my husband as to

it's just like it's not her anymore, I feel I don't know her, and yes, she was a

great mom when we were young. After my mom finding out I was going by myself as

I told her who I was going to and that if she wants to move forward that she can

make an appt. with him as well. I picked a counsler neither of us has dealt

with so she didn't think he would pick sides. She starts calling, leaving text

messages as to her love for me and wanting to go to my appt right now with me.

I just thought, oh my gosh, now she wants to go. I figure it's to make sure I

don't say something that she sees wrong. Which is everything now days. I called

the counsler and he knew it probably wouldn't be a good idea for the 1st visit,

since he sensed my hesitation. Good idea. Then she emails me later that

evening a little made that I wouldn't answer my calls and said that she doesn't

want to go to that counsler and that she will go to a girl counsler that she

personall knows and will consider the other guy in the future. Well, once

again, avoiding getting real help. My counsler really does not think it will

change our relationship to meet with her, but he said he would glady visit with

her. I figure at least then she can say her piece and not think it's always one

sided. Well, now she won't do that, so not seeing the same person, he can't

figure out if and when my husband and I and my mom and dad should or should not

get together with him too after my parents go. I did tell her I shared her and

my emails over the last few months with him so he could see our views from both

sides. I don't know, she is doing her own thing, I guess.

My mom went through a heart transplant about 14 years ago and that is around the

time things started to fall apart with her and I. I started having kids and she

always complained I wouldn't let her watch them, but yet I was overprotective of

my babies at first and I didn't let anyone just take off with them as infants,

but she also never visited or would not babysit if I did ask. They were always

busy. Then the arguments started here and there as I didn't see eye to eye with

her at all at times. But sometimes she would compliment me on how wonderful a

mother I was, and then later complain about me. She has just gradually got

worse with me until years later and now we can't even talk without confusion or

misunderstood words. She would complain I wasn't there for everyone else in the

family and complain that my priorities were screwed up and that I should be

putting people she thought should come first over my husband and kids. I

explained that my family comes first. Example, she thought going to a step

nieces wedding, that I didn't even know, was a much larger commitment than

following my husband sport event to the state finals. That is a once in a

lifetime opportunity, and they wanted me to commit to 6-$60 plates of food and

expected me to be there no matter what so the food didn't go to waste. I didn't

know if we would make the state finals forsure, but I didn't know this girl at

all and to commit to an expensive dish that my family was threatening I dare not

waste, I decided not to commit in respect I didn't want to waste the food. She

thought I was the most awful daughter and sister in the world. She just

couldn't get it. There are time after time like this. I have five kids and she

comes to not one of their events, yet calls and asks for schedules of sports,

grandparents days, plays, graduations and yet every single time she calls the

very next morning with a VERY lame excuse why she didn't make it. Sometimes to

find her errand my dad and her were going to was my other nephews events. But

she never tells me the truth. Although, she loves my one nephew and will not

miss one thing for him no matter what, which bothers my brother, but it's not

his fault. I just got sick of her loving moments and gestures and then always

results in poor or no actions. It's like she purposely trying to get me to look

forward to something and my kids and then just acts like I have no reason to be

disappointed when she doesn't follow through.

Then she rants on and on at how horrible I am to her and it just never stops.

She will never admit to her unfairness and never ever admit that just maybe from

my shoes it doesn't look fair even if her intentions were there. It's like she

wants to look loving as a mother should and then when I don't fall for it, she

lashes out on me, so I just stopped communicating with her all together, for my

emotional welfare.

I have other siblings, but one is off in the military so he doesn't see it first

hand and visits once a year maybe, I have a sister that has two step children,

only one of whom she helped raise everyother weekend and doesn't expect much

from my mom with him as she is not maternal like my mom and myself always were,

well, I still am.

My sister tells me my expectations of my mother are way to high. I told her

that to make my expectations lower I would have to expect absolutely nothing

from her. That's not right. She just sides with my mom to make her happy and

she listens to my mom and usually believes what she says and now she won't even

talk to me much. We have thought mom was a bit off or forgetful a couple years

ago, but my sister just doesn't want to see it, but she'll make my mom happy and

agree with her arguements, which my sister did agree at one time that what my

mom told her was not what my mom tells me, so she is playing us against each

other. I see it and my sister just lets it go if she does see it or just

doesn't want to deal with it. My sister and I are very different so we do not

spend a lot of time together, so probably easier for her to just agree with my

mom.

I have one other brother that also has a bunch of kids, but they don't have much

and my mother and father gives them everything for nothing, takes their kids,

follows all their school stuff and just thinks the world of them, pays for their

home, helps with diapers, ect. She one time thinks my brother is neglecting his

kids and his wife is wonderful and then thinks my brother is wonderful and his

wife is useless with the kids. Mind you, I think my brother does realize mom is

not all there, and takes advantage of taking what he can get for nothing,

because they bend over backwards for them even when they clearly take advantage

of my parents. They do treat their kids good though and I guess if it's working

for them and they can live with it, whatever. I probably have the best

relationship with that brother because he does think my mom is off her rocker,

but he just doesn't say nothing because he's getting a lot in return if he just

lives with it.

I am self maintained and have a great husband, great kids and don't require

anything from my parents but love and friendship. My mom does not know how to

do that though.

I at least know now that transplant patients do have a history with having some

of these aftermath issues and good to know that it isn't me as much as maybe she

just can't help herself at this point. I feel though that I am the only one in

the family that is trying to figure this out. My dad won't talk to me and my

mom talks for him, so I don't know if or how I should go to him about this, or

just leave it alone and know I may live my life without my mom or any of my

family.

It's hard for me, as my mom and I used to be best friends before her transplant

and even shortly after, but then she was always confrontational with me and then

I would be, as she would accuse me of simple things and twist stories and words

and then slowly I became the bad guys to her. I am bull headed and when I

factually know something is right, I am not going to break.

Sorry, for the long story, there is really so much more, but I know that you

probably got the gist of it by now. The counsler made me feel like it was not

me that was crazy. I knew that, but my mom just is manipulating and tries her

hardest to make me look bad to make her look good. It's devistating and it's

hurts and I am exhausted. But knowing she may have a personality disorder makes

me understand that she just may never be that mom that I once knew. That is

very hard to deal with. I feel like the day she had her transplant that my real

mother died with her first heart. Sad to say, but what I feel.

She will lash out here and there and say I will also regret having children

because adult children put her through hell. She will say she should have

stopped after two kids, thank god I was number two (smile). Okay, not funny.

She will say that if she wouldn't have had the transplant and died that it would

have been better for everyone in her family.

Oh, my, see, exhausting. But I am a people person and always look to the

greater good and always want to help when someone is in need. How do I help, do

I just walk away? Anyone have any resources or advice for me?

Thanks so much for letting me vent and lay out my feelings, I feel very alone in

this with my family and having anyone that knows what I am going through talk to

me, I would just feel not so alone.

Lonely, exhausted, me