nada wants to visit but too sick

[Guest guest]

My nada usually comes to our house for a weekend for our kids birthdays. Her

health has really deteriorated this year and I have been assuming she would

not be able to travel to our home for the birthday's this fall. We live 300

miles away and she usually takes the train, but the last time we saw her in

the summer she could barely walk a few steps without gasping for breath

(some of which I think was real and some of it faked or at least exagerated

and she says she currently spends most of her time sleeping. Even when she

was doing better healthwise a trip to our house was fairly exhausting for

her. - just trying to climb the stairs in our house is significant for her.

Since my kids have been asking if she is coming I thought I would at least

have it out in the open so I said to her. " The boys asked me if you would be

coming for their birthday, but I am assuming that would be way to big of a

trip for you right now. " She surprised me by saying she is thinking about

coming!

This was after she told me about how she had one of her gasping/can't breath

episodes trying to walk into a doctor's office that they now come out to her

car to give her her shot. And that she won't go to the casino without one

particular friend (although others are able/willing to go with her) because

this friend takes such good care of her and is like a nurse with her.

So, no surprise nada has no grip on reality that she actually is not well

enough to make a trip like this. I tried to diplomatically talk her out of

it and encouraged her to talk to her doctor. She ended up just saying she

will think about it and that she would really like to get out of the house

(she has not been going much of anywhere because of her health - which

actually is unlike her - she is very, very social and extroverted). Well,

for goodness sake, mom, get out of the house by going out to lunch, to the

movies, etc. rather than trying to take a 300 mile trip.

I am reminded that nada is essentially a child in an adult's body and is not

capable of making a reasonable decision in this case - more likely a selfish

and foolish decision that will have a huge impact on us and likely on

whoever is on the train with her. I really don't want to have the stress of

hoping she is not going to have a medical emergency while she is here nor

the likely fact that she will require or at least want an enormous amount of

care and attention.

I've been trying to think of a way to tell her she simply can not come -

it's foolish and I will not have her come when it is obviously not something

she is capable of health wise. But I can't think of a way to approach it

that does not either trigger her by her hearing that we don't want her to

come (which she was already starting to claim last night when I was trying

to talk her out of even considering it) or her becoming obstinate i.e. " You

can't tell me what to do. " and trying to come just to be contrary. This is

common with her and also another way she is like a child - if you tell her

she can't do or have something, she is likely to be darn sure to prove you

wrong or do it anyway.

Fortunately, my boys will be having their birthday parties the weekend

before she is thinking of coming - so she at least can not negatively impact

these.

Any advice or input is always appreciated.

MY