Am I fooling myself? (lengthy)

[Guest guest]

Hello to everyone,

This is my sescond day in this group after accepting the fact that my mother is

BPD. A new therapist of mine recogized the symptoms from our discussions. I

have been riding a " high " since the discovery because I finally have a reason

WHY? Also, that it's not my fault that she is miserable.

After reading many posts and looking at the list of abbreviations I know why

many of you refer to your parents as nada or fada. But I'm not comfortable

refering to my mother that way as I feel that she did the best she could with

her limited resources and within the confines of her mental illness. Before

learning about BPD, I would rage about my mother, say I hated her and couldn't

wait for her to die to my husband. Now I just feel pity and sadness for the

lives not lived because of her illness. She put herself in circumstances that

were less than ideal for her three daughters which proved detrimental to us and

our futures but she suffered, too.

Am I fooling myself that she did her best and hoped for the best for each of us?

That she was not and is not conscience of how her behaviour causes such pain for

me? That her constant manipulations have determined the course of my life up

until four years ago? Can I believe that she deserves my respect as my mother

and that I love her but don't have to like her.

Could I be wearing rose coloured glasses by thinking that she wasn't a great

mother, or the kind of mother I am, or wish I would have had but what she did

wasn't meant to negatively affect us for years. Or, as my husband says, I would

have been better off being raised by wolves?

Am I making excuses for her and need to see her for what she is: mean, deceiful,

manipulative, controlling, overbearing, hurtful, selfish and unfaithful person

with evil doing as her motive? Or am I accepting of her and her illness and have

learned how to protect myself. Should I give her a break because mental illness

has run rampant in our family for 5 generations?

Bit of backstory: she was married 7 times from 15 to 32. She has three

daughters, two of which were sexually abused by her last husband. I am the

youngest of the two. When we disclosed to her she didn't believe us and

continued to live with him until he died. I have been in therapy and on

medication since I was 22 and am now 46. Over the last 4 years I have placed

firm boundaries and force her to live by them. I moved out of the country for

six months to break her hold on me. I still see her and communicate with her

but it is always on my terms.

I have always been her favourite child and was treated accordingly and have been

on a pedastal until I set those boundaries. Now, in her opinion, I am selfish,

uncaring, manipulative, mean spirited and have let her down just like everyone

else in her life.

I am so saddened to see how many people have been raised by BPDs and yet am

grateful to know I am not the only one.

Am I in survival mode, " it wasn't that bad, it's not like that, she loves you

deep down " ? Or can I really feel pity and sadness for her without wishing her

dead?

I wish all of you healing and peace.

Thank you,

Nell