Guest guest Posted August 10, 2010 Report Share Posted August 10, 2010 Ok, that sounds weird. One thing that has always bothered me, is that when I'm visiting someone, or hanging out with them, I start to adopt their mannerisms. This would be considered a flea correct? I find it irritating to ME, because it's like somehow I want to be desperately liked by them, by becoming more like them. I'm afraid that people will think that I'm mocking them, or desperate or something. I've read before that kids from abusive relationships, will often do this because they don't really have any sense of their own identity. Does this make anyone feel uncomfortable when it happens? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2010 Report Share Posted August 10, 2010 Yes, as a child/teen/young adult I tended to do that. I think the reason you stated is right on-target. As an abused child and young person, I had learned to mirror my nada's moods and characteristics in order to placate her, soothe her and (hopefully) keep her from triggering into an angry mood. Mirroring nada was an unconscious (mostly unconscious? it seemed normal to me) survival adaptation, but it carried over into other relationships. I would mirror the most dominant person I happened to be around at the moment. So a mild degree of imitating or mimicking that person's speech patterns or mannerisms would occur, particularly if I wanted the person to like me. I thought it went unnoticed and like I said, it seemed normal to me to do that, but then in later years I wanted to stop doing it because in some cases it WAS perceived as me mocking the other person, or me being phony or obsequious. So, in my case anyway, just becoming mindful of not wanting to copying another person's speech and mannerisms helped me to not do that any more. But if you want to stop doing it and are having trouble stopping, then maybe your therapist can help you with some techniques to become more mindful or " in the moment " when you're doing it so you can wean yourself off that behavior. -Annie > > Ok, that sounds weird. > > One thing that has always bothered me, is that when I'm visiting someone, or hanging out with them, I start to adopt their mannerisms. This would be considered a flea correct? I find it irritating to ME, because it's like somehow I want to be desperately liked by them, by becoming more like them. I'm afraid that people will think that I'm mocking them, or desperate or something. > > I've read before that kids from abusive relationships, will often do this because they don't really have any sense of their own identity. > > Does this make anyone feel uncomfortable when it happens? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2010 Report Share Posted August 10, 2010 Yes, that's something that I used to deal with a lot more than now. Now I'm aware of it and it's lessened a great deal (and it will for you, too, now that you see what it's doing). It's such a desperate behavior, something children do to be accepted and validated. I entered adulthood utterly unfamiliar with my identity or my own voice. I feel like I'm just getting that now. Good luck; you sound like you're doing really well. > > Ok, that sounds weird. > > One thing that has always bothered me, is that when I'm visiting someone, or hanging out with them, I start to adopt their mannerisms. This would be considered a flea correct? I find it irritating to ME, because it's like somehow I want to be desperately liked by them, by becoming more like them. I'm afraid that people will think that I'm mocking them, or desperate or something. > > I've read before that kids from abusive relationships, will often do this because they don't really have any sense of their own identity. > > Does this make anyone feel uncomfortable when it happens? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2010 Report Share Posted August 10, 2010 I know what you're talking about. I echo what the other ladies said about it lessening once you're more used to/comfortable with owning the fact that you're a KO and it's normal. In terms of low-cost therapy, I had a LOT of success with EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique. You can teach it to yourself - there are videos and stuff on youtube for how to do it - and it's great for lessening anxiety. I've found more and more that what really moves me forward is catharsis, meaning REALLY screaming to let it out, either into a pillow or in the car, where people can't hear you. Like screaming into her face, pretending she's right there and screaming all those nasty things you want to say, like HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!?!?!?! and YOU FUCKING BITCH, I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Same thing with crying - when I REALLY REALLY went for it in EFT sessions, I felt the most peace afterwards. I'd say as someone who also paid for both cognitive behavioral and hypnotherapy, the most movement I got from processing was still on my own with EFT. I'm writing a book on my recovery process from being a KO (obviously still ongoing!) and you can bet that that'll be in it. Mostly I'm just glad you found this group and that you're on your way. It's bumpy but really it only gets better from finding out about BPD. And we are all here for you ... Over The Borderline: How I recovered from having a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder > > Ok, that sounds weird. > > One thing that has always bothered me, is that when I'm visiting someone, or hanging out with them, I start to adopt their mannerisms. This would be considered a flea correct? I find it irritating to ME, because it's like somehow I want to be desperately liked by them, by becoming more like them. I'm afraid that people will think that I'm mocking them, or desperate or something. > > I've read before that kids from abusive relationships, will often do this because they don't really have any sense of their own identity. > > Does this make anyone feel uncomfortable when it happens? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 11, 2010 Report Share Posted August 11, 2010 Annie, You said what I've never been able to really articulate that well, the mirroring of nada. That is it, completely. Mirroring her to survive. Otherwise she wouldn't like me or she might make fun of me. This spilled into my relationships with school friends. This would work in reverse, too, getting rid of behaviors she didn't like: I remember once I saw how sad my mother was that my father had gone to visit his family in another country and I turned and smiled at her. She said something like, " now I'm stuck here with you and your stupid smile. " I was 6 years old and it really hurt. I stopped smiling around her for a while so she woudn't make fun of me. > > > > Ok, that sounds weird. > > > > One thing that has always bothered me, is that when I'm visiting someone, or hanging out with them, I start to adopt their mannerisms. This would be considered a flea correct? I find it irritating to ME, because it's like somehow I want to be desperately liked by them, by becoming more like them. I'm afraid that people will think that I'm mocking them, or desperate or something. > > > > I've read before that kids from abusive relationships, will often do this because they don't really have any sense of their own identity. > > > > Does this make anyone feel uncomfortable when it happens? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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