Re: void of feelings

[Guest guest]

I have a hard time with the positive emotions. . . and I don't cry at

funerals. I never have. . . I wonder if you were punished for crying as a

kid?

On Sat, Sep 11, 2010 at 5:36 AM, Stefanie Low wrote:

> YES!!!!!!! Me. I do the same thing. I cry mostly when I'm very

> angry..rarely from sadness and only around my husband and kids can I cry.

>

> I think (at least for me it's like this). I can hide/denie/internalize

> sadness and other feelings. I am a pro at not showing I...I'm also

> a pro at not feeling feelings:( Which I know is not a good thing..but that

> is now my natural reaction.

>

> When I was in therapy 2 years ago..my therapist would try to talk about

> things that should make me cry and I wouldn't finally one day I did...and

> she said..I have to do that more. And not to stop it..which I do.

> Everytime

> there is a sad feeling I should go to the ladies room and let it

> out..because all that sadness is bottled inside...

>

> I have such a problem with crying..I just can't do it...it just feels so

> wrong.

>

> Stefanie

>

>

>

> On Sat, Sep 11, 2010 at 6:58 AM, maparise17

> wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > Do any of you- ever find it hard to express what you are feeling?

> >

> > This week I attended a very sad funeral- my cousin passed away.

> > Young man with 2 children and he was the 3rd adult child to dieb out of

> his

> > parents' 5 children. I can't even imagine burying 3 children.

> > At the services there was not a dry eye- but my were. As much as I felt

> > empathy for all involved- I could not cry- I shed no tears. I just

> > couldn't. I experienced this before when my grandfather died- nothing

> again.

> >

> > Also the opposite feeling of pure

> > joy and happiness is so hard for me to feel- anyone else have this

> > experience of almost having no way to express what you are really

> feeling-

> > because your feelings are so stuffed deep inside of you- and your

> feelings

> > were really never recognized or acknowledged- so it is like you have lost

> > them.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Malinda

> >

> > Ps- Nada cried like a baby at the services- and I sat there thinking what

> > is wrong with me.....

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes,Malinda,I can relate to this! As for the crying,I was bullied very early on

(i think as a baby) to never ever give in to my need to cry OR ELSE! I have

conscious memories from later,starting at age four or so,of reflexively snapping

right into being nada's " rock " and not even considering crying because that was

what *she* did--that is what she got to do.Even when my beloved dog was killed

in a dog fight when a neighbor's dog escaped from his yard,I stood there while

she wailed and tore out her hair and was her rock,holding her hand.I was four

years old for heaven's sake!

I'm always one of the dry eyed ones at any funeral.Attending those is

weird for me because I think I must be coming off as very unfeeling while

everyone else around me sobs and grieves but inwardly I do feel so very sorry

for the deceased and their family.I just can't express it outwardly--funerals

for me are so much like a crisis (because they're so serious and sad) that my

conditioning NOT to cry and to be a rock just kicks right in.I have never once

been able to cry at a funeral.I totally feel like I lost " that grieving feeling "

a long long time ago.Instead I have a buried grief that gnaws and gnaws at

me-occasionally it comes closer to the surface as a sensation of horror.

And I always feel completely alone with feelings of joy or happiness.I do

experience them but if ever someone seems to share in them with me,like love

relationship stuff,I start to feel so dizzy I kind of float away.

I've asked myself alot what is wrong with me in regards to the non feeling

thing but really you know it's what was wrong with our nadas who never mirrored

us or honored or acknowledged our feelings.Our mothers were supposed to teach us

how to experience and deal with our feelings but we never had mothers.We learned

instead to cater to nada's feelings and never quite got to our own.They lie

buried deep within us accessible only by our basic dencency,if that makes any

sense,like when we feel sincere sympathy at funerals but cannot cry.

I think I do know what you mean but actually it's hard to express it

>

> Do any of you- ever find it hard to express what you are feeling?

>

> This week I attended a very sad funeral- my cousin passed away.

> Young man with 2 children and he was the 3rd adult child to dieb out of his

parents' 5 children. I can't even imagine burying 3 children.

> At the services there was not a dry eye- but my were. As much as I felt

> empathy for all involved- I could not cry- I shed no tears. I just couldn't. I

experienced this before when my grandfather died- nothing again.

>

> Also the opposite feeling of pure

> joy and happiness is so hard for me to feel- anyone else have this

> experience of almost having no way to express what you are really feeling-

because your feelings are so stuffed deep inside of you- and your feelings were

really never recognized or acknowledged- so it is like you have lost them.

>

> Thanks,

> Malinda

>

> Ps- Nada cried like a baby at the services- and I sat there thinking what is

wrong with me.....

>

[Guest guest]

Yes. I internalize things, because showing emotion was always a way to get

in trouble with fada. And then after internalizing it for so long, it all

comes crashing back, and I have a breakdown. I'm feeling better now that I'm

NC, but learned behavior is hard to overcome.

Holly

>

>

> Do any of you- ever find it hard to express what you are feeling?

>

> This week I attended a very sad funeral- my cousin passed away.

> Young man with 2 children and he was the 3rd adult child to dieb out of his

> parents' 5 children. I can't even imagine burying 3 children.

> At the services there was not a dry eye- but my were. As much as I felt

> empathy for all involved- I could not cry- I shed no tears. I just

> couldn't. I experienced this before when my grandfather died- nothing again.

>

> Also the opposite feeling of pure

> joy and happiness is so hard for me to feel- anyone else have this

> experience of almost having no way to express what you are really feeling-

> because your feelings are so stuffed deep inside of you- and your feelings

> were really never recognized or acknowledged- so it is like you have lost

> them.

>

> Thanks,

> Malinda

>

> Ps- Nada cried like a baby at the services- and I sat there thinking what

> is wrong with me.....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think that numbing out thing happens when you're raised by parents who train

and condition you to never show your true feelings. They make it very unsafe

for you to express your true feelings.

When I was growing up it was not safe to display any negative feelings; I was

only supposed to be happy and smiling all the time. If I was sad, if my

feelings were hurt, if I was angry, or even if I was ill or injured my nada took

it as a personal threat, attack, or insult, somehow, even if what caused my

problem had nothing to do with her. (That's because in bpd-land, everything is

Always All About Nada.)

If my feelings were hurt or or I was sad, I was ridiculed or humiliated AND

whatever my problem was was my own fault. If I was angry, I was evil. If I was

sick or injured, I was faking it and causing nada extra work. etc.

So, my guess is that when you feel an extreme emotion such as deep grief, your

subconscious screams at you, " Shut it down! Shut it down! Warning! Danger! " and

you'll wait until some other, safer time to actually feel the emotion and

process it/work through it.

Therapy can help us realize that its safe now to feel and express our emotions

in the moment, in ways that are appropriate. There is a happy medium between

complete emotional repression/denial, and emotional dysregulation in which all

emotions are instantly displayed in extreme and inappropriate ways.

Plus, I'm guessing that for some of us, we don't ever want to behave in ways

that remind us of our nadas. If nada was/is the histrionic, drama-soaked

attention-grabber at funerals, weeping copiously and throwing herself on the

coffin, etc., then that's something a KO would want to distance herself from and

instead go in the opposite direction.

Just some thoughts, to take or leave. Each person has to figure out her/his own

situation and work through her own healing process.

-Annie

>

> Do any of you- ever find it hard to express what you are feeling?

>

> This week I attended a very sad funeral- my cousin passed away.

> Young man with 2 children and he was the 3rd adult child to dieb out of his

parents' 5 children. I can't even imagine burying 3 children.

> At the services there was not a dry eye- but my were. As much as I felt

> empathy for all involved- I could not cry- I shed no tears. I just couldn't. I

experienced this before when my grandfather died- nothing again.

>

> Also the opposite feeling of pure

> joy and happiness is so hard for me to feel- anyone else have this

> experience of almost having no way to express what you are really feeling-

because your feelings are so stuffed deep inside of you- and your feelings were

really never recognized or acknowledged- so it is like you have lost them.

>

> Thanks,

> Malinda

>

> Ps- Nada cried like a baby at the services- and I sat there thinking what is

wrong with me.....

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I have a very hard time expressing emotion or when I do my external

behavior is inappropriate to the situation. In times of great

stress/sadness I tend to laugh. When feeling worthless I tend to project

anger towards others. It scares me because these are nada traits but my

therapist point out often that the difference between nada and I is that I

can see the problem and want to fix it...nada refuses to admit her behavior

is inappropriate.

[Guest guest]

I think your therapist is correct and very insightful. We KOs can display

bpd-like behaviors ( " fleas " ) sometimes because we were exposed to dysregulated,

bpd behavior as " normal " when we were impressionable, malleable children.

But as adults we KOs are able to perceive that these " familiar " behaviors are

often counterproductive and they even hurt other people, and this distresses us.

We are distressed because we are lucky enough to have normal human empathy and a

conscience.

The fact that we are distressed by these negative behaviors in ourselves and the

fact that we want to change means that we have normal brains with the potential

to reprogram ourselves to eliminate or improve our unwanted behaviors.

I can't remember the correct psychological terminology (gah!!) but when our own

negative behaviors distress us, that's actually a very good thing because it

means we have the potential to achieve personal insight and we have the

motivation, the desire to work hard at it and undergo the sometimes painful

therapy it takes to improve ourselves.

On the other hand, those with personality disorder are not distressed by their

own negative behaviors, they don't believe that their problems originate within

themselves (its always other people who are causing the problems) and they

therefor do not see any reason to change or improve their negative behaviors.

They think they themselves are perfectly normal and they're even insulted or

upset by the very idea that something is wrong with them and they're hurting

people. If the person with pd is able to comprehend that their behaviors hurt

you, then their attitude is... big deal. You're just too sensitive, that's just

the way they are, so just deal with it.

So, kudos to you for tackling unwanted, distressing behaviors! You can do it!

-Annie

>

> Yes, I have a very hard time expressing emotion or when I do my external

> behavior is inappropriate to the situation. In times of great

> stress/sadness I tend to laugh. When feeling worthless I tend to project

> anger towards others. It scares me because these are nada traits but my

> therapist point out often that the difference between nada and I is that I

> can see the problem and want to fix it...nada refuses to admit her behavior

> is inappropriate.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My childhood was a bootcamp of learning to stuff emotions and not show them.

There were so many negative consequences - my nada always got to have the

biggest emotions in the room anyway. I have phases where the emotional

floodgates open which are probably healing but also scary for me. Then I'll go

through long phases where I'm locked down again - often a phase is months long.

I found that taking an SSRI definitely increased the emotional shutdown. I

could still till the emotions were in there but way down deep where I didn't

feel them fully. That was a good thing at certain times in my life. Then one

time I tried taking the hoemopathic remedy natrum muriaticum (nat mur) and that

really uncorked me. I went through a period of weeks after taking it once where

I cried more easily but also felt anger more strongly too. If any of you guys

want to try it, let me know and I can give details on how to take it.

[Guest guest]

Yeah, and inappropriateness/beliefs/thougths about death and nada - that

could be a whole thread! My nada was OBSESSED with death!

> I was just thinking about this during last week. I made a huge mistake at

> work and couldn't stop laughing about it whereas normally I'm scared

> sh*tless to be anything less than perfect in a professional setting. There

> was another incident that I can't remember right now where I reacted very

> differently than those around me which of course made me worry that I'm

> still not normal (hah).

>

> In general when it comes to sadness, I think I'm overly (inappropriately)

> empathetic and identify too strongly with the plight of the people around

> me

> to the point that I see that everything is sad and terrible and I'm never

> going to be able to make it better.

>

> In thinking about it before this thread came up, I decided it must be

> because it seemed that I never knew the 'right' way to react. I'd get

> reamed up and down for not being serious enough and not understanding how

> TERRIBLE nada felt. On the other hand, if I was to serious I'd be laughed

> at for not being any fun.

>

> At around 12 years of age, my daily after-school activity became

> volunteering at a nursing home instead of sports or hanging out with

> friends

> (which I wasn't allowed to have). When a neighbor became terminally ill,

> guess who spend half her days during her senior year of high school

> watching

> him die because hiring a full-time nurse would have been a burden for these

> neighbors I had never met before?

>

> So she surrounded me with death and dying on a nearly daily basis AND

> required me to constantly emotionally fill the hole inside her. No wonder

> I

> have no gauge of how serious or not serious day-to-day events are, much

> less

> how I feel about what's happening around me.

>

> Thanks for bringing this topic up! It's great to hear others' stories and

> thoughts on this issue and know I'm not alone.

>

>

>

> On Sat, Sep 11, 2010 at 2:01 PM, Simpson <rc822306@...

> >wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > Yes, I have a very hard time expressing emotion or when I do my external

> > behavior is inappropriate to the situation. In times of great

> > stress/sadness I tend to laugh. When feeling worthless I tend to project

> > anger towards others. It scares me because these are nada traits but my

> > therapist point out often that the difference between nada and I is that

> I

> > can see the problem and want to fix it...nada refuses to admit her

> behavior

> > is inappropriate.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to say thank you to all who responded to this post-

whenever I post here- I receive such wonderful insight and validation.

That horrible feeling of being so alone is lifted from my heart.

I do believe I too- do not want to overreact like nada does- never even

thought of it that way- thanks again!

Malinda