Re: Constantly avoiding being like nada...

[Guest guest]

SaraJo, your husband has really done something that would infuriate anyone. So

please know that your being angry is normal and not nada-like. You still have

choices on what you choose to do with your anger. Taking some silent time

isn't crazy, but I agree with others who say try to get dialog going again with

him soon as you can.

One key difference here if you are comparing yourself to your nada is this - you

are giving your spouse - an adult - the silent treatment. While that may not be

the ideal thing to do, he is an adult. What your nada did, she did *to her

child*. To do silent treatment or raging or any number of non-productive

things with anger to a child has a whole different set of issues around it than

to another adult. Your husband can say his peace, if he's mad drive off in the

car, even stay in a hotel...a child is trapped and utterly dependent.

So give yourself a break, you are clearly working on emotional awareness and

dealing with a tough real issue in your marriage.

>

> I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

> When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not being right

with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort not to be so difficult and

unreasonable in relationships.

>

> It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly being self

aware....constantly questioning my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

>

> Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

> I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

> I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit card and we had

agreed to only use it for emergencies.

> I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole time. Without the

presence of an emergency.

> I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills and balancing

the account the other day, he had no choice but to tell me about it because he

had to make a payment on it.

>

> He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on it, and he kept

saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment on a credit card without knowing

the balance.

>

> Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been talking all

weekend.

>

> I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

> I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

> I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was angry. She would

withdraw her love from me. not speak to me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

> Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

> I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the appropriate way to

act?

>

> I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage, but I can't even

try to handle it without reminding myself of nada.

>

> I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly around me. I remind

myself of her so much sometimes.

> NC or not, she's always there.

> I hate it.

> ~SJJ

>