Looking for support

[Guest guest]

My name is Kathy. I'm 42 with two teenage daughters and recently separated from a 20+ year relationship. I am seeing a therapist for support. I am also a counselor myself (licensed clinical social worker working in a program for clients with medical, mental health and substance abuse issues).

I believe in the principals behind intuitive eating. I have read Geneen Roth's older books years ago, but wasn't ready to let go of emotional over eating. I then read Intuitive Eating and I Can Make You Thin within the past 3 years. At the time I had been fairly successful on Weight Watchers -- and twenty pounds thinner! I had short periods of success with IE after reading the books but always fell off the wagon. And unlike the WW program I did not obsess about food -- IE brought me some peace while I practiced it.

I realize IE is a journey. I am trying to permit myself to take two steps backward and one step forward if needed. But lately I feel like I just can't get off the ground with IE. I am at my highest weight ever. This is due to increased binging and decreased exercising.

In the past I have been a regular exerciser. I developed some knee problems which made my favorite activity (running) no longer an option. I have an elliptical, which I try to use and I walk with a friend, but it's not the same. I'm not as passionate about either.

Binging has become progressively worse for me over time. It tends to occur in the middle of the night (last night I was up at 2am and wound up eating the remainder of some chocolate pudding, while putting whipped cream on the top over and over again). I have a similar issue if I take a nap. Upon awakening I tend to want to get up and eat carbs. Just seeing that container in the recycling bin this morning gives me such feelings of failure and remorse. I am like a hamster on a wheel. Spinning and spinning but getting nowhere!

While binging is difficult for me in general (at least twice a week most weeks) it is particularly difficult to prevent upon awakening. It's like I'm in a trance and all of the tools I try to tap into normally just fly out the window. Does anyone else have this problem? I am feeling very stuck and hopeless.

I take an antidepressant for depression/panic which has been managed successfully for many years. Unfortunately it is an older medication (Anafranil) which tends to enhance appetite. I have tried many other medications because of this, but this is the one that keeps me most sane, functional, etc. so I do not plan to change what is otherwise working. While I am permitting myself some leeway because of this, I also know the medication doesn't control the food I put in my mouth! Additionally, I haven't always binged this much while on the medication so I believe I can make positive changes if I put my mind to it.

I have a strong family history of addiction and while I am not a drug or alcohol user, sugar affects my body in much the same way as any other mind or mood altering substance. But restricting sugar seems to make me want it (and wind up binging on it) even more.

I realize stressors in my personal life as of late have increased my emotional eating. (But why couldn't I be one of those women whose husband leaves them and they lose twenty pounds?!) My tight clothing or hiding in newer bigger baggier clothing make me feel so bad, I wind up eating more to deal with the uncomfortable feelings.

I appreciate anyone willing to read this post (I know it's a bit long). Specifically, I really need help with binging upon awakening (at night or after a nap) and with how to forgive myself for all of this emotional eating so I can get back on track with IE.

Thanks you for any feedback. I really enjoy reading these emails. I feel at home here.

Kathy :-)