Nada and Terrorism

[Guest guest]

The topic of the enabling dad's mood paralleling the nada's mood got me to

thinking about my own situation.

My dad would usually just leave the house when nada would escalate her carping,

critical attacks, but sometimes she'd succeed in goading him into defending

himself and fighting back (verbally only, he never hit anybody). Listening to

them yelling at each other was stressful for Sister and me. We'd leave the

house if we could, go play at a friends house, or shut our doors to try and

ignore it. After dad retired from work, though, he was stuck at home 24-7 with

his wife and ended up drinking himself to death in rather short order.

Yet, he was very consistent in his defense of nada in relation to us kids. I can

count only three times in my entire life that my dad intervened in one of my

nada's screaming, out-of-control tirades of rage against me. Granted, she

usually indulged in these outrageous fits of anger when he wasn't around, but he

saw enough of them to know how she treated us and usually did nothing.

All I can guess is that he was clueless as to how deeply damaging being

emotionally and physically abused is to a child. He, as a fellow adult in a

chosen relationship, was on a equal power level with his wife. He could

physically leave when she became abusive. He could hit her back (although he

never did) but bottom line: although the emotional abuse she inflicted was very

stressful for him (it was upsetting, angering, hurtful and ego-deflating) it was

*not traumatizing*. Not terrifying: he had the power/status/ability to defend

himself.

However, my Sister and I as children were in a totally, abjectly powerless

position, unable to face down our abuser and make her stop. I have no doubt

that to even have attempted such a act would have enraged nada to the point of

doing us life-threatening physical injury or even gotten us killed. We as

little children were literally at the mercy of a mentally ill, out-of-control

adult who had dissociated and had the power of life or death over us.

The nearest equivalent would be finding yourself alone, but suddenly confronted

by another adult who is enraged at you and waving a loaded gun at you,

threatening to pump you full of bullets. The sheer terror and trauma level is

that high for a child at the mercy of an enraged adult (particularly when that

adult has demonstrated countless times that she will beat the crap out of you

even if she chooses not to kill you.)

No wonder both Sister and I grew up with many symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress

Disorder (and with repressed, unexpressed rage ourselves over the injustice.)

We grew up in the equivalent of a war zone where a terrorist attack could happen

at any moment.

-Annie