Re: Feeling ultimately flawed

August 14, 2010

((((((((Lynda)))))))

I think you're having a self-induced attack of " FOG " , or " Fear, Obligation and

Guilt " . Your nada has conditioned you so well and so thoroughly to feel

responsible for her, that even when you're not in her presence, you obligingly

beat yourself up for her.

As a fellow KO, I have a sense of the burden of undeserved guilt that has been

laid across your shoulders, even though I had a different type of nada. Yours

is the quintessential Waif, mine has always been mostly the Witch/Queen, who is

only now in old age turning Waify.

At least I am able to access righteous indignation and anger over the harsh

verbal and physical abuse I endured (sandwiched between periods of being

" golden " ), but when your nada is mostly a " Waif " most of the time, parentalizes

her child, latches onto her child like a drowning person latches onto a life

preserver, the massive and very undeserved guilt when the growing child/adult

child wants a normal amount of separation and freedom from the Waif

parent...well, it must feel crushing.

Just knowing that this is the dynamic you grew up with is a start in the

direction toward healing. Its just my opinion, but I think it will probably

help you to consider going into therapy to learn how to shed the undeserved

guilt that's been dumped on you, that you're now dumping on yourself.

That's what it took for my little Sister: therapy. For years I'd been telling

her that she should not feel guilty because our nada was demanding more and more

of Sister's time. I said to my Sister, " You deserve time off, Sis. You don't

have to give every hour of your free time to our mother. She'll never be

satisfied. If you're over there three days a week, she'll cry and whine because

you're not there four days a week. Giver yourself a break! " But Sister kept

trying, and kept getting more depressed, until she went into therapy. It took

an *Authority Figure*, the therapist (who happened to be male) to absolve my

Sister of her guilt feelings. It took the Therapist telling her that our mother

is being unreasonable, that her demands for more and more of Sister's free time

are selfish and enmeshing, and that doing that to one's child is actually very

abusive.

I guess its harder to comprehend or absorb the fact that yes, being roped and

hogtied with inappropriate responsibility and inappropriate guilt by another

person actually is a form of emotional abuse, and its not OK to do that to

ANYbody, PARTICULARLY to one's child.

So, I'm suggesting that you look into therapy as a way to help you take in and

accept the fact that you have endured a great deal of emotional abuse, and you

are still being abused by your nada with inappropriate guilt and responsibility.

Therapy can help you shed the inappropriate, undeserved guilt. But be really

careful about choosing a therapist who is familiar with personality disorder,

and has experience treating the adult survivors of abusive,

personality-disordered parents, or the adult children of substance-abusing

parents.

My Sister found a therapist whose own mother had borderline pd, so he was the

ideal therapist for her.

-Annie

>

> I've been reading some posts about mourning lost childhoods and the sadness

that is felt when trying to reconcile the erratic behaviour of a BPD parent. I

haven't spoken to my mother for a few weeks now. I tried to set some boundaries

and she hated it. She eventually told me that she is divorcing me and is

relieved to be finally free of me.

> Just this week, however she sent me a message telling me that if I wanted to,

I could light a candle for my Grandmother to commemorate 8 years of her passing

away. Might I add that the candle she was referring to was a gift I had given

her that she dumped on my doorstep along with photographs of me when she was

really angry with me recently.

> Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about the effect of our relationship has

had on me as a person. I feel like I am ultimately flawed and even though I

rationally know that I don't deserve the abuse, part of me deep down believes

that I am the horrible and selfish person that she sometimes says I am.

> That has been her main criticism of me over the years, that I am selfish- so

happy to be off with others, being there for them and helping them and

neglecting her who always seems to need me for one reason or another. And I have

always felt a responsibility to be with her exclusively to help her through

various hardships and guilt for " abandoning " her or in other words spending time

with others.

> Since we are not on speaking terms and I have tried to maintain my boundaries,

when I'm spending time with others- friends, family, in laws- I have this awful

feeling that I'm a terrible two-faced person who is so nice to others but

horrible to my mother as though it were some terrible, dark secret that that

nobody else knows. I feel like I'll be found out for appearing so gentle and

kind on the outside, but really being horrible and nasty underneath. It's so

irrational. Everyone in my life knows that I have struggled with the

relationship over the years and almost everybody has always wondered how I could

keep putting up with it. I just can't seem to shake the feeling though.

> Lately I also have this horrible thought of her passing away and me realising

that I have the whole situation wrong. That she really is just a lovely, sweet

innocent soul who is just angry and hurting about her tough life and being

treated so differently from everybody else. That she needed my love and I

abandoned her.

> My rational self knows that I need to be strong and keep my boundaries and I

feel almost detached from her now in a sense. But I'm just afraid of all the

emotion lurking beneath the surface.

> My situation is hard like so many others here too because most of her

behaviour is over the top admiration and love for me but then she flips and

rages at me and it feels like she hates me. That makes it so hard to keep clear

headed and trust my perceptions because she is so seemingly lovely and

supportive and has this almost child-like innocence about her. I have mentioned

before that she is the waif- all skinny and vulnerable, she has a back injury

and is out of work and she is always thinking of others and how she can help

them. So when I stand up to her she fluctuates between saying nasty, hurtful

things to being wounded by me and says stuff like " I'm just not strong enough to

be scolded by you " .

> Oh the best one was when she stole my daughters blankets from her pram on the

front verandah that she had given her and returned them saying she was sorry to

take them, but she was starving for a cuddle. I have tried to be very

" non-blamey " in my boundary setting and have repeated lines like " I just want to

stick to no phone contact for a while because it hasn't been going so well for

us " etc, but I must admit I lost it when she said that and I told her it was

utter B.S! I insisted that she took them because she was angry with me and she

cried and acted like I was viscously attacking her.

>

> It is so hard to explain to anyone the profound effect this has on me and

always seems to be on my mind somehow. Someone a while ago (Katrina?) said

something along the lines of wondering if any really successful people have

relationships like these with their parents and I really thought a lot about

this. I too have similar thoughts. I feel sort of debilitated by this

relationship. I kind of have this feeling that my whole foundation of being is

somehow flawed. I almost feel guilty writing that because in lots of ways I feel

like I have had a lot of love growing up and I guess my mother has tried her

best, having a difficult childhood herself and raising me as a single mum. I'm

not trying to blame all of my shortcomings on my mother, but at the same time I

feel like I have to spend so much time investing energy into it, that I could be

achieving other great things, or at the very least enjoy precious time with

family and friends without this huge weight and feelings of guilt.

>

> I am trying to accept that it is a part of my life and that it has helped make

me the person that I am and to count my blessings. I just wonder if it will ever

stop being so huge.

>

> Well, thanks for reading. It has helped writing out these thoughts.

>

> Peace to you all.

> With Warmth,

> Lynda

>

August 14, 2010

Hi--I really enjoyed reading your post. I related to a lot of it.

> >

> > I've been reading some posts about mourning lost childhoods and the sadness

that is felt when trying to reconcile the erratic behaviour of a BPD parent. I

haven't spoken to my mother for a few weeks now. I tried to set some boundaries

and she hated it. She eventually told me that she is divorcing me and is

relieved to be finally free of me.

> > Just this week, however she sent me a message telling me that if I wanted

to, I could light a candle for my Grandmother to commemorate 8 years of her

passing away. Might I add that the candle she was referring to was a gift I had

given her that she dumped on my doorstep along with photographs of me when she

was really angry with me recently.

> > Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about the effect of our relationship has

had on me as a person. I feel like I am ultimately flawed and even though I

rationally know that I don't deserve the abuse, part of me deep down believes

that I am the horrible and selfish person that she sometimes says I am.

> > That has been her main criticism of me over the years, that I am selfish- so

happy to be off with others, being there for them and helping them and

neglecting her who always seems to need me for one reason or another. And I have

always felt a responsibility to be with her exclusively to help her through

various hardships and guilt for " abandoning " her or in other words spending time

with others.

> > Since we are not on speaking terms and I have tried to maintain my

boundaries, when I'm spending time with others- friends, family, in laws- I have

this awful feeling that I'm a terrible two-faced person who is so nice to others

but horrible to my mother as though it were some terrible, dark secret that that

nobody else knows. I feel like I'll be found out for appearing so gentle and

kind on the outside, but really being horrible and nasty underneath. It's so

irrational. Everyone in my life knows that I have struggled with the

relationship over the years and almost everybody has always wondered how I could

keep putting up with it. I just can't seem to shake the feeling though.

> > Lately I also have this horrible thought of her passing away and me

realising that I have the whole situation wrong. That she really is just a

lovely, sweet innocent soul who is just angry and hurting about her tough life

and being treated so differently from everybody else. That she needed my love

and I abandoned her.

> > My rational self knows that I need to be strong and keep my boundaries and I

feel almost detached from her now in a sense. But I'm just afraid of all the

emotion lurking beneath the surface.

> > My situation is hard like so many others here too because most of her