Re: like a love gone wrong song

[Guest guest]

Yes. I too have felt a profound sense of loss because the most I have ever had

or can expect to have with my mother is a very superficial relationship.

I learned fairly early on that it was not safe to share my own real feelings and

thoughts with my mother. She made my fears worse, and she appropriated my joy

as her own achievement. If I was in pain, injured or ill, or felt sad, I could

expect to be mocked, humiliated or yelled at instead of soothed and comforted.

If I was in trouble, it was always my fault and I could expect no protection or

intervention. If I was foolish enough to express a different opinion than hers,

in my mother's mind I was attacking her.

All I could be or can be around my own mother is rather neutral and vaguely

happy; I am after all only an external screen for her to project her own

internal chaos onto. I apparently don't exist for her as a separate and

individual human being.

RE infant development, I agree with your speculation about that also. Not only

human beings, but infant mammals and even the infants of many lower species are

literally hardwired to bond to, attach to, imprint on (love) their mother. The

infant not only wants her love, he/she needs it: love (care, protection, food)

equals survival in a very literal sense for an infant. Not having that need

responded to in a normal and sufficient way results in attachment disorder in

infants: attachment disorders could be thought of as an infant's version of

profound depression. And if the nurturing deteriorates to substandard,

inadequate levels in later months/years (for example: the personality-disordered

mother can cope with caring for her pre-verbal infant because the infant is like

a doll, but when the child begins to individuate at around age 2 and expresses

her own feelings and opinions, the mother becomes disinterested, overly

stressed, rejecting, fearful or resentful of her child's normal development

stages toward normal separation and individuality) the small child's

subconscious will kick in and provide a protective layer of denial, so that the

child is shielded from consciously realizing " I am not loved. "

-Annie

>

> So I was just thinking of how many songs about broken hearts make me think

about my relationship with my nada and FOO. I wonder is every child born

programmed to love their parents and to want their love? And when we slip out

of denial (for those of us that were in it) is it the biggest broken heart of

all?

>

> Today I talked to a FOO member and I successfully managed to keep it

superficial and exchange no information of any consequence. A totally cardboard

conversation - I think I was in fact, boring. And bored. And I felt so sad

after I got off the phone realizing that that conversation was a " success "

because to try to genuinely connect to that person is to open myself up to more

hurt. And I've tried to be honest tell her she's hurtful at times - no good, I

just get hurt more. And that's just the way it is.

>

> Here's a song some of you KO's might find resonating " Tainted Love " by Soft

Cell

>

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChJibdZtSIg

>

>

>