Re: Re: NC info I found on the net

[Guest guest]

*will interpret any willingness at all on your part to communicate with him

as a sign that all is forgiven, you've gotten over your little snit, and

everything can now go back to normal, without him ever having to apologize

or stop abusing you.*

This is something I have never been able to put into words. Thank you.

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I love this. I've been doing this exact thing for many years. . . but

I still want to print this and keep a copy with me every where I go. And I'm

saving it to my computer. I love the stuff about peaceful detachment. . .

I'm going to look into that more and post on it soon.

Loves to everyone. How is everyone doing this Sunday? Girlscout is pooped -

huge event yesterday. Hugs.

On Sun, Aug 15, 2010 at 1:39 AM, josephinebl67 wrote:

>

>

> that is really beautiful writing! I love that it spells everything out

> because it is necessary for all those gray areas to be highlighted. thanks

> for all you do!

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > So, what exactly does it mean to " cut ties " with reprobate, sociopathic

> > abusers?:

> >

> > TWENTY-ONE RULES OF NO CONTACT

> >

> > 1. No talking to them no matter what happens and no matter what you hear.

>

> > 2. No letting them talk to you, No listening to anything they say, No

> > " hearing them out. "

> > 3. No letting them into your house and No going to their house. If it is

> > possible to move, then move, get a P.O. box, and don't let them know when

> or

> > where you're going.

> > 4. No phone calls and No returning voicemail messages. Change your number

> to

> > unlisted and unpublished, and do not give it to anyone you can't trust

> not

> > to give it to your abuser. Never pick up the phone. Use Caller ID or let

> > your machine pick up.

> > 5. No sending or responding to e-mails. Block their e-mails, IMs, and

> > ability to see when you are online.

> > 6. No meetings to " talk things over " or " work things out. "

> > 7. No cards or letters, and No responding to cards or letters. No

> birthday

> > cards. No Christmas cards. No Mother's Day or Father's Day cards.

> > 8. No giving gifts and No accepting gifts. If a gift is sent to you, No

> > acknowledging it and No responding.

> > 9. No exceptions for holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries.

> > 10. No returning gifts, cards, or letters. To an abuser, that is a

> response.

> > He will interpret it to mean that you are still emotionally connected to

> > him, you still care, and if he keeps trying, he can wear you down. Just

> > ignore all communications.

> > 11. No visits, including hospital visits.

> > 12. No letting them near your kids. If they're too toxic for you to be

> > around, then they're too toxic for your children to be around. Monitor

> your

> > children's e-mails and cell phones, changing e-mail accounts and phone

> > numbers if necessary. Warn your children to stay away from them, and to

> run

> > and tell a teacher if they show up at their school. Notify your

> children's

> > school to call you and the police.

> > 13. No public pleasantries. If you run into them in a public place,

> ignore

> > them, turn your back, and walk away. If they approach you, say in a loud

> > voice, " Leave me alone! " and " Do not talk to me. " If they persist or you

> > believe you are being stalked, call the police. Get a paper trail

> started.

> > Make a police report and get a case number so that in the future you can

> > file charges for stalking, aggravated harassment, and any other crimes

> that

> > the police or your lawyer can think of.

> > 14. No discussing them with anybody who has contact with them.

> > 15. No speaking at all to anyone who might be pumping you for information

> or

> > spying on you, and reporting back to them. Cut off anyone who is not

> loyal

> > to you.

> > 16. No listening to any news about them. If you are absolutely dying of

> > curiosity, listen, but do not show any undue interest, do not get baited

> > into responding, and do not reveal any information about yourself in

> return.

> > 17. No giving other people information about you or your family that they

> > could carry back to your abuser.

> > 18. No invitations to your big events and No responding to invitations

> they

> > send you.

> > 19. No responding to news that they are getting married, having a baby,

> > getting a new job, retiring, moving, taking a trip, sick, dying, or dead.

> > 20. No big announcements and No telling them anything about your life- No

> > letting them know you're getting married, moving, or having a baby. No

> > letting them know when your children get married, where they live, work,

> or

> > go to school, or when your grandkids are born.

> > 21. Print out e-mails, tape voicemail messages, and keep all cards,

> letters,

> > and other communications in a file for future harassment or stalking

> > charges, but do not respond.

> >

> >

> >

> > No Contact means NO Contact. Nothing! Nada, Zilch, Zip, Zero. As if your

> > ex-abusers were total strangers who also happen to be dangerous,

> > psychopathic stalkers. Which they pretty much are. So why would you not

> > protect yourself and your family from them?

> >

> > Narcissists do not understand limits, maintaining a comfortable distance,

> > taking it slow, or being cordial while still keeping someone at arm's

> > length. They only deal in extremes, and must be totally enmeshed with

> you,

> > with no boundaries or restrictions. It's all or nothing with them.

> Because

> > of this, it's important to accept that it is not possible to have

> " limited "

> > or " occasional " contact- for instance, only when there is a big event

> like a

> > wedding or a funeral. This only sends a mixed message to your abuser, who

> > will interpret any willingness at all on your part to communicate with

> him

> > as a sign that all is forgiven, you've gotten over your little snit, and

> > everything can now go back to normal, without him ever having to

> apologize

> > or stop abusing you.

> >

> > No Contact is The End. You have already wasted your entire life trying

> > everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing

> > worked. That is why you've reached this crossroads. There is nothing left

> to

> > try. It's over. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never

> look

> > back. Time to finally live your life. Time to do what you must to protect

> > yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm. If

> you

> > break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in. If you keep No

> Contact,

> > you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety. And after it's all

> > over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. If you

> have

> > moved on with your life and left the past in the past, then you won't

> feel

> > the need to.

> >

> >

> >

> > Randi Kreger

> >

> > Randi @BPDCentral.com

> >

> > Author, " The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> New

> > Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells "

> >

> > Available at www.BPDCentral.com <http://www.bpdcentral.com/>

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >