some things are difficult to hear

[Guest guest]

I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are just

so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd better than

anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells me what I need

to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and thoughts

(which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same terrible

thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt and we went

through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she says that those

of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted reality... therefor, we

have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can not eat in front of people

I do not know without experiencing great anxiety. When I was growing up my mom

would always point out overweight people who were eating ice cream..etc and tell

me that they were disgusting slobs and she would say really cruel things like,

" I dont get it, look at that fat slob sitting there feeding her face, if you

look that disgusting you would think you would know what causes it " ...

As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low self-

esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I told my

therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am eating

because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking... she says

that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying those things...

(my mom does that but she is crazy!)

But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I know

that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I will keep

pluggin along.

jen