Becoming a mom, triggers and healing

September 28, 2010

Hi

I read some of the recent posts on this topic, but still wanted to start a new

thread. I haven't been here in a while, but the last week or two have been

brimming up with thoughts.

My daughter is now 18 months old. I was so terrified of repeating the traumatic

experience of the mother/daughter relationship of my past. I have had therapy

and I really pay attention to myself and to her, and we're doing great I'm happy

to say!!!

My partner says that I'm a great mom, but that it takes a toll on me. It's like

someone who is afraid of heights walking next to a cliff. I can walk there and

be safe, but part of me never believes that I won't fall off, so I'm on constant

alert. It's exhausting. But it's also really thrilling, to feel the love for my

daughter, and to feel her love for me, that was never there when I was growing

up. I whisper to her " mommy loves you " and kiss her head, and it feels almost as

if I'm getting that wonderful mother-love too. I'm mothering us both:-)

It is a constant trigger, and it is really upsetting to realize just how 'easy'

it is. Just like other people said - how hard is it really, to give a little

love and reassurance to a child? It isn't! And it hurts so much to realize again

and again that my mother wasn't capable of it. Something so natural and simple

and she just couldn't do it.

I also am faced with constant reminders of things she did. I take my daughter to

Parent/Child classes, music, gym, etc... and am so proud of her every time she

does anything well. And then I remember how my mother not only wasn't proud of

me, but actively took me away from things I did well at. I won a scholarship,

and she never told me about it, I heard about it from friends. I was good at

gymnastics and the coach was really interested in my continuing, and then

suddenly I didn't get to go to classes anymore. I played violin, and my mother

told me not to play in front of our relatives who we visited when I was 8,

because I wasn't good enough. (I was 8!!!!)

Well that's her loss. Because feeling proud of my daughter is a wonderful

feeling! I just glowed with pride when the teacher complimented my baby on her

musicality. I know it has nothing to do with me, she's 18 months old. But I

still feel so happy and proud of my fantastic kid! My heart was just brimming

over!

And I started playing the piano again. This one is a real trigger. I have my old

music books, and as I play a piece I played well as a teenager, I suddenly feel

all the feelings of being that depressed teenager again. I was an angry suicidal

kid. And playing the music hits me right in the chest. I started crying. But

it's healing. I can feel this pain now, and let it go. I can recognize it and

let it go, I don't have to keep it. It's in the past, I don't have to carry it

around with me. The music really puts me right there so I can work through the

feeling directly.

Anyway - these are my thoughts on healing. Being a mom, playing old music, they

are triggers, they bring up painful memories and feelings. But they are giving

me the opportunity to recognize the pain that I carry and let it go for good.

Lighten my heart to be the person I was born to be.

-Terri

September 28, 2010

beautiful! playing piano is also a trigger id like to try that one

>

> Hi

>

> I read some of the recent posts on this topic, but still wanted to start a

> new thread. I haven't been here in a while, but the last week or two have

> been brimming up with thoughts.

>

> My daughter is now 18 months old. I was so terrified of repeating the

> traumatic experience of the mother/daughter relationship of my past. I have

> had therapy and I really pay attention to myself and to her, and we're doing

> great I'm happy to say!!!

>

> My partner says that I'm a great mom, but that it takes a toll on me. It's

> like someone who is afraid of heights walking next to a cliff. I can walk

> there and be safe, but part of me never believes that I won't fall off, so

> I'm on constant alert. It's exhausting. But it's also really thrilling, to

> feel the love for my daughter, and to feel her love for me, that was never

> there when I was growing up. I whisper to her " mommy loves you " and kiss her

> head, and it feels almost as if I'm getting that wonderful mother-love too.

> I'm mothering us both:-)

>

> It is a constant trigger, and it is really upsetting to realize just how

> 'easy' it is. Just like other people said - how hard is it really, to give a

> little love and reassurance to a child? It isn't! And it hurts so much to

> realize again and again that my mother wasn't capable of it. Something so

> natural and simple and she just couldn't do it.

>

> I also am faced with constant reminders of things she did. I take my

> daughter to Parent/Child classes, music, gym, etc... and am so proud of her

> every time she does anything well. And then I remember how my mother not

> only wasn't proud of me, but actively took me away from things I did well

> at. I won a scholarship, and she never told me about it, I heard about it

> from friends. I was good at gymnastics and the coach was really interested

> in my continuing, and then suddenly I didn't get to go to classes anymore. I

> played violin, and my mother told me not to play in front of our relatives

> who we visited when I was 8, because I wasn't good enough. (I was 8!!!!)

>

> Well that's her loss. Because feeling proud of my daughter is a wonderful

> feeling! I just glowed with pride when the teacher complimented my baby on

> her musicality. I know it has nothing to do with me, she's 18 months old.

> But I still feel so happy and proud of my fantastic kid! My heart was just

> brimming over!

>

> And I started playing the piano again. This one is a real trigger. I have

> my old music books, and as I play a piece I played well as a teenager, I

> suddenly feel all the feelings of being that depressed teenager again. I was

> an angry suicidal kid. And playing the music hits me right in the chest. I

> started crying. But it's healing. I can feel this pain now, and let it go. I

> can recognize it and let it go, I don't have to keep it. It's in the past, I

> don't have to carry it around with me. The music really puts me right there

> so I can work through the feeling directly.

>

> Anyway - these are my thoughts on healing. Being a mom, playing old music,

> they are triggers, they bring up painful memories and feelings. But they are

> giving me the opportunity to recognize the pain that I carry and let it go

> for good. Lighten my heart to be the person I was born to be.

>

> -Terri

>

September 28, 2010

Thank you for sharing these experiences of becoming a mother and, how the daily

interactions with your child can be both triggering and healing. I think that

is awesome, Terri, and others of you who post here, that you are such caring,

concerned, nurturing and wonderfully NORMAL mothers in spite of the substandard

and even toxic parenting you received.

More than one of you young mothers has noted how surprisingly *easy* it is to be

kind, gentle, empathetic and comforting to a tiny child, and even to an older

child, and how gratifying those small moments of just being overwhelmed with

tenderness toward your little one and receiving their love in return, are; how

magical that is.

To me, that throws a giant searchlight beam on how *severely abnormal* our

nadas' emotional cognition and emotional responses were toward their children.

Even without the overt physical violence that gets noticed and reported, our

mothers were damaging us badly.

Instead of tenderness and empathy, we got resentment or hostility. Instead of

encouragement we got shame or jealousy. Instead of comfort, we got neglect.

Instead of guidance, we got rage. Instead of protection, we were blamed or

exploited.

The stark contrast between the parenting that the KOs here received themselves

as children, and what they are now giving as parents to their own children, is

immense.

I so badly wish that the American Psychiatric Association and the hard science

researchers in neurology would interview the children of the mentally ill and

follow families for generations, so that they might be able to discover more

quickly the causes of personality disorder and mental illness, because it seems

the causes are so damned complex. Its apparently *not* just due to bad parenting

(overly harsh/punitive, overly indulgent/spoiling, negligent/rejecting, or

exploitative/sexual abuse) and its *not* just due to inherent temperamental

factors, and its *not* just due to some kind of faulty wiring in the emotional

parts of the brain, it seems to be more of the " recipe from hell " combination of

all those factors, seems to me.

-Annie

>

> Hi

>

> I read some of the recent posts on this topic, but still wanted to start a new

thread. I haven't been here in a while, but the last week or two have been

brimming up with thoughts.

>

> My daughter is now 18 months old. I was so terrified of repeating the

traumatic experience of the mother/daughter relationship of my past. I have had

therapy and I really pay attention to myself and to her, and we're doing great

I'm happy to say!!!

>

> My partner says that I'm a great mom, but that it takes a toll on me. It's

like someone who is afraid of heights walking next to a cliff. I can walk there

and be safe, but part of me never believes that I won't fall off, so I'm on

constant alert. It's exhausting. But it's also really thrilling, to feel the

love for my daughter, and to feel her love for me, that was never there when I

was growing up. I whisper to her " mommy loves you " and kiss her head, and it

feels almost as if I'm getting that wonderful mother-love too. I'm mothering us

both:-)

>

> It is a constant trigger, and it is really upsetting to realize just how

'easy' it is. Just like other people said - how hard is it really, to give a

little love and reassurance to a child? It isn't! And it hurts so much to

realize again and again that my mother wasn't capable of it. Something so

natural and simple and she just couldn't do it.

>

> I also am faced with constant reminders of things she did. I take my daughter

to Parent/Child classes, music, gym, etc... and am so proud of her every time

she does anything well. And then I remember how my mother not only wasn't proud

of me, but actively took me away from things I did well at. I won a scholarship,

and she never told me about it, I heard about it from friends. I was good at

gymnastics and the coach was really interested in my continuing, and then

suddenly I didn't get to go to classes anymore. I played violin, and my mother

told me not to play in front of our relatives who we visited when I was 8,

because I wasn't good enough. (I was 8!!!!)

>

> Well that's her loss. Because feeling proud of my daughter is a wonderful

feeling! I just glowed with pride when the teacher complimented my baby on her

musicality. I know it has nothing to do with me, she's 18 months old. But I

still feel so happy and proud of my fantastic kid! My heart was just brimming

over!

>

> And I started playing the piano again. This one is a real trigger. I have my

old music books, and as I play a piece I played well as a teenager, I suddenly

feel all the feelings of being that depressed teenager again. I was an angry

suicidal kid. And playing the music hits me right in the chest. I started

crying. But it's healing. I can feel this pain now, and let it go. I can

recognize it and let it go, I don't have to keep it. It's in the past, I don't

have to carry it around with me. The music really puts me right there so I can

work through the feeling directly.

>

> Anyway - these are my thoughts on healing. Being a mom, playing old music,

they are triggers, they bring up painful memories and feelings. But they are

giving me the opportunity to recognize the pain that I carry and let it go for

good. Lighten my heart to be the person I was born to be.

>

> -Terri

>

September 28, 2010

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I have been reading for the past

couple of weeks and have to say I am so heartened to hear that some of you

with mom's like mine have gone on to be such wonderful parents yourselves.

That is something I very much want to do, but am so afraid of. Terri, your

email below, especially the part about being good at something and having

your mom take it away from you, really struck me. I also played the violin

and was told I couldn't practice at home because she didn't want to hear me

screeching until I was good enough. So sad now, to think about. Thank you

all for being brave enough to write; it is so helpful to me. I hope to share

more with you.

Best,

Keller