Re: walls and gates = romantic relationships

July 25, 2010

you sound really hard on yourself. the first guy was probably a player and that

has nothing to do with you. don't take it personally, he may have said the same

things to several other women by now, they don't stay in one place for long,

many of them are narcissists and your adulation fills their need for NS,

narcissistic supply, which they are constantly in search of new sources of.

you will probably second guess yourself alot when it comes to this stuff because

of being a KO and that makes navigating all kinds of relationships difficult.

Only you can decide what kind of sexual activity is right for you, but I am

certain I personally have never missed any 'great sex' by sleeping with someone

I didn't love. On the contrary, in my experience, it was always a waste of time

because it was mechanical and unfulfilling. but that varies from person to

person, each person is different. I was on a website a while back where a

similar question was asked and many of the women affirmed they had this kind of

sex and enjoyed it. it's just not for me.

>

> This is so off topic but I have to know:

>

> I met a guy, we hit it off instantaneously.. We were both a little tipsy and

> kissed. a lot, but nothing else. the next day he texted me .. and then we

> texted for a little he said I was hot and smokin and perfect (which im not

> but it was still flattering and a good sign), and nothing! I am going back

> to school far away in a month, and am 6 years younger than he is.. could

> this be the reason why he isn't texting back. Is it desperate if I text him:

> " I want to see you again when you're in the city, call me sometime. " ... I

> mean this is after a 2 week period of no texts, and the last text I sent was

> last weekend, I said " thinking of you. " I know mushy, but I was intoxicated,

> and just met someone so great, but so not for me, and so I was lonely and

> thinking about how much I liked this guy! And he didn't write me back.. I

> can't believe someone can seem so into you, and then nothing. I know I can't

> let some jerk make me feel bad about myself, but the truth is my pride is

> hurt. And I watch these tv shows like sex and the city, where these women

> are so confident and get men at the snap of their finger, and I feel like

> wow I am so much younger than these people, if I am not enjoying myself

> -carefree and flirtatious- with men when I am young, when am I going to do

> it?

>

> Here's the other revelation: men my own age are not attracted to me! I work

> at express, and part of my job is to greet. When guys my age come in and I

> say hello.. they barely look and nod, when men in their mid to late 20s come

> in, they smile a nice toothy smile and say hey how are you! In the movies,

> and in the novels, and shows, the men are supposed to ask for your number

> and then take you out on a few dates.. I mean, are guys nowadays too lazy to

> put in work.. do they expect to get laid without dating and romance. Here's

> the other thing I've been contemplating: Am I missing out by saving myself

> until the one I love comes along? Am I depriving myself of great sex, just

> because of my stupid moral conscious? I kissed a guy for the first time

> without dating the other day, and look where that got me.. nowhere. I just

> feel like wow, I am a really great catch, and it's not like I want to get

> married and have children, I just want to see a movie, walk in the park and

> make out under the stars, it's so 7th grade but that's okay. I just don't

> know why I have such a hard time getting guys to ask me out. They are

> attracted to me, but then nothing happens. They just look and walk away. And

> at parties, once they hear I'm leaving they run away.. And at school, all

> the guys are slutty because of the 60 female 40 male ratio. Any advice? I'm

> too young to join okcupid and deep down I want someone to be smitten with me

> from across the room, not a virtual playground.

>

> The thing is it's a Saturday night and I am alone, eating ramen noodles, and

> wearing my new jeans to sleep in hopes to break them in.. I guess I could

> have gone out .. but my best friend has a boy friend and we are on two

> different playing fields now.. She never wants to do the single stuff

> anymore.. UGH will I be lonely on Saturday night forever? And, why can't I

> stop eating. I gained like 13 lbs this year from stress and the pill to

> clear my acne, my nada, being stalked at college. I have so many unresolved

> issues, I guess I can answer my own questions: I can't have a boy friend

> right now because I need to learn how to love myself and resolve my issues

> before I can let someone in.

>

> These walls have to go though. I want to experiment flirting more with the

> customers.. Being a little more outgoing and confident.. let's see how it

> goes. God, I miss being wanted.

>

July 25, 2010

First and foremost, don't sacrifice your morals if you're not comfortable with

it! Unlike relationships with your Nada, a romantic relationship is

relationship BY CHOICE! Do you want to choose to be with someone who won't

respect you for ALL of you (morals included)?

Oddly enough, when I finally gave up on " dating " and trying to find a

relationship, I ended up in one =P It's not a forever relationship, but it's fun

for right now. (Apparently a summer friend I reconnected with had a crush on me,

and I liked them well enough, so here we are).

I have to wonder, why is it so important for you to be in a relationship right

now? What are you expecting out of one in terms of commitment, etc? Sweet,

romantic dates are wonderful, but there's more to a relationship than that,

which I'm pretty sure you know already.

For me, it was super-important to figure out that I was an ok person on my own

and perfectly deserving of respect, honesty, trust, etc. I also had no time and

energy to invest in myself, let alone a relationship, while I was still taking

care of Nada. I also had to leave myself time to mourn after NC before I could

handle the idea of being with another person. Before NC and mourning NC, I was

giving so much to Nada that I would have been to needy to be in a healthy

relationship. Before mourning, I might have tried to find someone to mother me,

which wouldn't have been healthy or fair either.

So I guess I'm agreeing with what you wrote at the end of your post: " I have so

many unresolved issues, I guess I can answer my own questions: I can't have a

boy friend right now because I need to learn how to love myself and resolve my

issues before I can let someone in. " It's also important to figure out what you

want out of a relationship, and what commitment looks like to you *right now*!

Hang in there,

Frances