Re: Guilt, Guilt and more guilt.

July 24, 2010

Right towards to end of our relationship, my Nada and I were having an argument.

I was still in the shaky process of realizing that her life experiences are not

my fault and that I *am* indeed a separate person. She went on and on about how

horrible I was and " how could any daughter make her mother feel that way, " and

" what was I going to do to make her feel better? " I was so frustrated after a

while that I calmly stated, " You might be triggered by my actions, but that's

not under my jurisdiction. You're the only one who knows what will make you feel

better because I'm not able to be responsible for your emotions. " She flipped

out and wailed, " YES YOU AAAAAARRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE. " She sounded like the Wicked

WItch of the West screaming " I'M MEEEEEELLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG "

> >

> > So I am new to this group, I introduced myself yesterday. I hope everyone

got a chance to read my introduction.

> > I am really struggling with the guilt of going NC. I have done so before and

it lasted 6 years. It actually was the best 6 years of my life. I actually got

to know myself for the first time in my life. Even back then I came up with all

sorts of reasons why I felt guilty . This time It is because she has cancer and

is very sick. She is on Hospice. Even being so near death the woman knows how to

control and manipulate me. She knows how to hurt me too. She once blamed me for

her cancer, saying the reason she got cancer was because I went NC with her. One

would think being so sick you would give up your sick and twisted ways of

relating to your children and start to make amends. No, not going to happen. The

manipulations continue even from her death bed.

> > Most recently, while I was on vacation in Wisconsin with my children and

husband, I got a call that she was very ill and was going to go into a nursing

home as soon as her hospice team could set it up and find an opening. She needed

me to come home right away because she could no longer be alone. She was too

weak.

> > I came home the next day. I took three days off of work to move her into the

nursing home and got into trouble with work because I had taken time off even

though I had run out of vacation time. I get to her place to meet with her and

the hospice team, and she refuses to go. She accuses Hospice nurse of abusing

her by trying to get her to go to the nursing home. She is not as sick as she

claimed to be while I was on my vacation. It was all an attention getting act.

She was not one bit remorseful about the fact I missed part of my vacation, and

I got into trouble at work. When I tell her these things, somehow she says it is

all the hospice teams fault.Not hers of course. Now she accuses the team of

abuse and is threatening to report them. That is when I said enough and walked

away again.

> > I sent her an email stating what my limits with her were going to be. I told

her I would no longer come running, I would no longer miss work and I was no

longer going to be her caregiver. She kept emailing me nonsensical letters

trying to guilt me and even got verbally abusive with anger toward me.I never

responded to the emails.

> > Somehow..I still feel guilty. Although, writing this, guilt doesn't seem

appropriate. I should be angry. Not guilty.

> >

> > P>S What is Nada? I am having trouble with some of the abbreviations.

Thanks!

> >

>

July 24, 2010