Re: For those who have gone no contact, questions....

[Guest guest]

I don't have specific advice, but I can offer this, after 2-3 years of NC. 1)

Allow yourself lots of grace. This isn't a neat and clean science. Cutting

your mother out of your life--however horrible she may be--is a big deal. It

takes stops and starts and ups and downs and strong moments and weak moments.

2) If she's like my nada, she will do all the work for you, in a way. I didn't

have a huge resolve against her. She simply became so horrid, I had to

disconnect to survive. She, like most BPs, reacted pretty strongly when I

started to disconnect. She became so abusive and insane my choices were made

pretty clear.

Be on the alert, as well. The stronger your boundaries, the more she will

react. And when she understands she no longer has the power over you, be

prepared!! She will not take it lightly. Just be on the look-out for hoovering

and smear campaigns. If there is anyone you really care about that is a mutual

acquaintance, let them know what is going on so you have a better chance of not

losing that relationship. Also, it's not uncommon for BPs to contact bosses,

pastors, etc. with smear campaigns.

As for timelines? It is always too fast and never fast enough. At least that's

my experience.

Did I mention you may need a lot of grace here?

Funny--your vmail/callback story reminds me, for some reason, of one of my nada

stories. She was eating an apple and making huge dramatic faces with each bite.

Every single bite, time after time, she would exclaim: " Yuck! This tastes

horrible! " " EEEWWWW! This is mealy and terrible! " After the 10th time (she

was interupting a conversation each time) I finally asked her why she continued

to eat the apple. She said, of this thoroughly bad apple: " I just want to end

on a good bite. "

You're doing great. Focus on how far you've come, not the occasional phone call

made out of morbid curiosity. Remember where you were 1-2 years ago with her,

and you will be astonished at your progress MUCH more than you will be upset

about listening to voice mails. Hang in there--this is a really big step.

Blessings!

Karla

>

> I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

>

> I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her call

go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even listening to

them.

>

> That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction of

hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

>

> Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up on

her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone actually

apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with her- I

end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course,

anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

>

> How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part for

you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

>

> Thanks, in advance-

>

[Guest guest]

I don't have specific advice, but I can offer this, after 2-3 years of NC. 1)

Allow yourself lots of grace. This isn't a neat and clean science. Cutting

your mother out of your life--however horrible she may be--is a big deal. It

takes stops and starts and ups and downs and strong moments and weak moments.

2) If she's like my nada, she will do all the work for you, in a way. I didn't

have a huge resolve against her. She simply became so horrid, I had to

disconnect to survive. She, like most BPs, reacted pretty strongly when I

started to disconnect. She became so abusive and insane my choices were made

pretty clear.

Be on the alert, as well. The stronger your boundaries, the more she will

react. And when she understands she no longer has the power over you, be

prepared!! She will not take it lightly. Just be on the look-out for hoovering

and smear campaigns. If there is anyone you really care about that is a mutual

acquaintance, let them know what is going on so you have a better chance of not

losing that relationship. Also, it's not uncommon for BPs to contact bosses,

pastors, etc. with smear campaigns.

As for timelines? It is always too fast and never fast enough. At least that's

my experience.

Did I mention you may need a lot of grace here?

Funny--your vmail/callback story reminds me, for some reason, of one of my nada

stories. She was eating an apple and making huge dramatic faces with each bite.

Every single bite, time after time, she would exclaim: " Yuck! This tastes

horrible! " " EEEWWWW! This is mealy and terrible! " After the 10th time (she

was interupting a conversation each time) I finally asked her why she continued

to eat the apple. She said, of this thoroughly bad apple: " I just want to end

on a good bite. "

You're doing great. Focus on how far you've come, not the occasional phone call

made out of morbid curiosity. Remember where you were 1-2 years ago with her,

and you will be astonished at your progress MUCH more than you will be upset

about listening to voice mails. Hang in there--this is a really big step.

Blessings!

Karla

>

> I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

>

> I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her call

go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even listening to

them.

>

> That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction of

hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

>

> Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up on

her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone actually

apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with her- I

end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course,

anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

>

> How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part for

you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

>

> Thanks, in advance-

>

[Guest guest]

It's easy to get sucked back in because we've been trained to respond to our

parents in specific ways...and the fear of what might happen when we change the

script is pretty damn powerful, even if we don't even consciously know that's

what motivates us.

And, I think...I know for me, in the beginning of NC (well, hell...even

sometimes still) there was that part of me that still HOPED. Hoped that maybe

if I was gone from her by MY design (and not because she raged and raged and cut

me out because of her rage) that she'd realize she was missing something worth

loving.

You know, when a child (even a teen) is given a new boundary in life, or when

those boundaries are altered/expanded, it is COMPLETELY normal for the child to

test the new boundaries to see if the grown up really means it. I think even

adults are like this...WE are like this, even when we are the ones to set the NC

boundary. " Let me test what happens when I break this... " and that usually

seems to reaffirm to us " Yep, good boundary to have. "

I have, a few minor times, violated my own NC boundary. And each time it was a

confirmation that deciding to go NC was the right choice for me. It also

confirmed that the more I responded, the more she was going to try. I like to

think of the crazy as a beast...if you keep feeding it, it will keep coming

back. So quit feeding the crazy!

I didn't have a particular time frame in mind other than " forever " . My

therapist has me review it with her every so often, reminds me that I'm strong

enough and have the tools and support to handle limited contact with nada *if* I

so choose, but that I also don't *have* to open that door. And I don't want

to...the idea is still too traumatizing.

Ninera

>

> Subject: For those who have gone " no contact, "

questions....

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Tuesday, September 28, 2010, 5:21 AM

> I'm struggling with the " no

> contact. "   I've changed my phone number, moved out,

> changed all my banking information, turned off all the

> utilities in my name- the only way my mother can contact me

> is on my work phone. I can't change that number, so I'm

> stuck.

>

> I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago,

> letting her call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete

> her messages without even listening to them.

>

> That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

> self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to

> hear her whine about " all the things I took care of " she

> can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do

> anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

>

> Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly,

> and I've hung up on her. Logically, I know she will never

> understand or " get it, " let alone actually apologize for the

> hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

> how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those

> conversations go with her- I end up feeling angry, and then

> guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course, anything I

> say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I

> go back.

>

> How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the

> hardest part for you? When you went no contact, did you have

> a particular time frame in mind? 

>

> Thanks, in advance-

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

p.s. Sunny--let me clarify. I was IN NO WAY comparing you to my mother. I was

just thinking about how I was the same way with going NC. I kept going back for

just one more taste, in hopes I could leave with a good happy feeling of . . .

something other than insanity and abuse. Hope that makes sense.

Blessings again--

Karla

> >

> > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

> >

> > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her call

go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even listening to

them.

> >

> > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction

of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

> >

> > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up on

her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone actually

apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with her- I

end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course,

anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

> >

> > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part for

you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> >

> > Thanks, in advance-

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You can listen to the messages if you want to, its not a rule, its just a

suggestion. I don't listen to any of them, the voices take me back too far.

For me, I just realized my mother only made me very very very upset, and I

didn't want to feel that way any more. I've never looked back. I dont know

if I'm sad or grateful that she didn't really even try to contact me. She

sent a handful of letters that all said horrible things. She may be doing

the smear campaign, but I wouldn't know because I live in a different world

now, I left all those people, places and most of the things behind me in the

past. So should I be bummed that when my mother realized I never wanted to

see her again, she essentially did nothing?

On Tue, Sep 28, 2010 at 8:03 AM, kyjohnson40days

wrote:

>

>

> p.s. Sunny--let me clarify. I was IN NO WAY comparing you to my mother. I

> was just thinking about how I was the same way with going NC. I kept going

> back for just one more taste, in hopes I could leave with a good happy

> feeling of . . . something other than insanity and abuse. Hope that makes

> sense.

>

> Blessings again--

> Karla

>

>

>

> > >

> > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number,

> moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities

> in my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I

> can't change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > >

> > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

> call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

> listening to them.

> > >

> > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

> self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine

> about " all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after

> telling me I didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > >

> > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung

> up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let

> alone actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the

> need to tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those

> conversations go with her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for

> finally speaking the truth. Of course, anything I say gets twisted around

> and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

> > >

> > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest

> part for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame

> in mind?

> > >

> > > Thanks, in advance-

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The hardest part of NC for me is the hurt that they left me with, knowing

they really don't give a hoot about me as their daughter, as a person, an

individual; that they feel completely justified on their treatment of me.

It's a hard pill to swallow knowing that your life was spent being someone's

puppet and no more than that. Let the healing begin!!!!! Read Doug's blog

over and over:)

Laurie

In a message dated 9/28/2010 12:19:33 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

I guess I'd call my current " relationship " with my mom " NC except for

business or emergencies. " Since I'm the only remaining child and the only next

of kin, I sometimes have to pick her up from the hospital, or talk to her

caregivers, etc. And eventually when she paints herself into a corner and

winds up in a nursing home, I'll have to be involved. However, I do as much as

possible through third parties - medical, social workers, the landlady,

etc. I no longer send her money (that stopped years ago). And I don't get

involved with her schemes, or go shovel out her filthy apartment (except to

take out the trash and eliminate health hazards when she's hospitalized). I

don't give her ANY encouragement if she calls, and I don't agree to visit

with her except for one pre-Christmas lunch in a public place. Our emotional

relationship is over. The business end of it remains, unfortunately.

The struggle I've had was with my own feelings of guilt about drawing such

a big, bold line and refusing to let her back into my family's life. But

here's the thing - the payoff in peace and quiet, and the stilling of those

internal scripts (the ones that run run in my head, in Nada's voice,

telling me how unworthy and incompetent I am) - that payoff is so immense, and

nearly immediate, that it's worth fighting the guilt. My mood and emotional

balance has improved SO much since seeing the light and drawing that line!

I look at it like this - Nada's going to be unhappy no matter what I do.

No point in both of us being unhappy. Let her be unhappy by herself.

>

> I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number,

moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in

my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't

change that number, so I'm stuck.

>

> I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

>

> That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine

about " all the

things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't

do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

>

> Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung

up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let

alone actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the

need to tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those

conversations go with her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally

speaking

the truth. Of course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back

at me...and yet, I go back.

>

> How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in

mind?

>

> Thanks, in advance-

>

[Guest guest]

I guess I'd call my current " relationship " with my mom " NC except for business

or emergencies. " Since I'm the only remaining child and the only next of kin, I

sometimes have to pick her up from the hospital, or talk to her caregivers, etc.

And eventually when she paints herself into a corner and winds up in a nursing

home, I'll have to be involved. However, I do as much as possible through third

parties - medical, social workers, the landlady, etc. I no longer send her

money (that stopped years ago). And I don't get involved with her schemes, or

go shovel out her filthy apartment (except to take out the trash and eliminate

health hazards when she's hospitalized). I don't give her ANY encouragement if

she calls, and I don't agree to visit with her except for one pre-Christmas

lunch in a public place. Our emotional relationship is over. The business end

of it remains, unfortunately.

The struggle I've had was with my own feelings of guilt about drawing such a

big, bold line and refusing to let her back into my family's life. But here's

the thing - the payoff in peace and quiet, and the stilling of those internal

scripts (the ones that run run in my head, in Nada's voice, telling me how

unworthy and incompetent I am) - that payoff is so immense, and nearly

immediate, that it's worth fighting the guilt. My mood and emotional balance

has improved SO much since seeing the light and drawing that line!

I look at it like this - Nada's going to be unhappy no matter what I do. No

point in both of us being unhappy. Let her be unhappy by herself.

>

> I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

>

> I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her call

go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even listening to

them.

>

> That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction of

hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

>

> Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up on

her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone actually

apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with her- I

end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course,

anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

>

> How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part for

you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

>

> Thanks, in advance-

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm, its weird, I feel guilty over everything under the sun. But I don't

feel guilty for saying bye bye to nada. Maybe because she has other people

who are willing to be her caregiver? Or maybe because she just doesn't

deserve my time and my emotional energy? As my therapist would remind me,

I'm entitled to my opinion about her behavior.

On Tue, Sep 28, 2010 at 10:10 AM, shirleyspawn

wrote:

>

>

> I guess I'd call my current " relationship " with my mom " NC except for

> business or emergencies. " Since I'm the only remaining child and the only

> next of kin, I sometimes have to pick her up from the hospital, or talk to

> her caregivers, etc. And eventually when she paints herself into a corner

> and winds up in a nursing home, I'll have to be involved. However, I do as

> much as possible through third parties - medical, social workers, the la. .

> ndlady, etc. I no longer send her money (that stopped years ago). And I

> don't get involved with her schemes, or go shovel out her filthy apartment

> (except to take out the trash and eliminate health hazards when she's

> hospitalized). I don't give her ANY encouragement if she calls, and I don't

> agree to visit with her except for one pre-Christmas lunch in a public

> place. Our emotional relationship is over. The business end of it remains,

> unfortunately.

>

> The struggle I've had was with my own feelings of guilt about drawing such

> a big, bold line and refusing to let her back into my family's life. But

> here's the thing - the payoff in peace and quiet, and the stilling of those

> internal scripts (the ones that run run in my head, in Nada's voice, telling

> me how unworthy and incompetent I am) - that payoff is so immense, and

> nearly immediate, that it's worth fighting the guilt. My mood and emotional

> balance has improved SO much since seeing the light and drawing that line!

>

> I look at it like this - Nada's going to be unhappy no matter what I do. No

> point in both of us being unhappy. Let her be unhappy by herself.

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

> out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

> name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't

> change that number, so I'm stuck.

> >

> > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

> call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

> listening to them.

> >

> > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

> self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine

> about " all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after

> telling me I didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> >

> > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up

> on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

> actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need

> to tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations

> go with her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking

> the truth. Of course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at

> me...and yet, I go back.

> >

> > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

> for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in

> mind?

> >

> > Thanks, in advance-

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, . That's the best arrangement I've ever heard of. You have a great

handle on things--relationship except for business and emergencies. It allows

for our humanity and sense of duty, but doesn't get sucked in. You seemed to

have resolved one of the hardest things about going NC: letting them be

helpless, but doing your reasonable part in letting yourself be a woman of honor

around the situation.

I'm going to borrow that. Thanks for the inspiration.

Blessings,

Karla

> >

> > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

> >

> > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her call

go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even listening to

them.

> >

> > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction

of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

> >

> > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up on

her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone actually

apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with her- I

end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course,

anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

> >

> > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part for

you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> >

> > Thanks, in advance-

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Karla - Ha! Thanks, but it's in no way a " perfect " arrangement - it's just the

best I can do while maintaining this new-found, shaky feeling of clarity and

sanity. Unfortunately, Nada is aware that I've disengaged and she is hurt and

bewildered by this (after all, she's NEVER done anything wrong...). So while

working to keep a sort of clinical detachment from her and her dysfunction, I'm

very aware that this is not a " normal " mother-daughter arrangement, and that it

makes me distant and cynical in a lot of ways.

In addition, I think there's a danger of reacting to other people and situations

in the same way - 'mess with me and we're done.' That's not a very good way to

encourage deep relationships, and it can lead to a very lonely life. So I'm

trying to watch out for the tendency to use that same reaction to any and all

threats or friction from people.

Going NC or LC (or whatever route we choose) is going to have a price. In my

case, the cost-benefit analysis dictates this detachment, but it's not what I

ever wanted, you know? It's definitely not a case of " want to " - it's all " have

to. "

> > >

> > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

> > >

> > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > >

> > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction

of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

> > >

> > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up

on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > >

> > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> > >

> > > Thanks, in advance-

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Really well put, . Your insights are always so helpful and relevant to my

own situation.

I grieve that I had to distance myself for my own physical and mental well

being, but as you said, basically I had to. Nada gave me no other choice. I

could no longer cope with the cycle of nada being loving/normal, then when I'd

relax I'd get sucker-punched in the emotional gut again with yet another

devastatingly cruel emotional attack by her. Another " gotcha! " Over time I

have come to believe that that reveals her true feelings: a pervasive underlying

hatred and resentment of me.

I had to save myself, so I guess I'm still feeling residual " survivor's guilt. "

I chose myself over my nada. So be it.

-Annie

-

> > > >

> > > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number,

moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in

my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't

change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > > >

> > > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > > >

> > > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about

" all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I

didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > > >

> > > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung

up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > > >

> > > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks, in advance-

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow Sunny blues...I have the same thing.Logically,I know she is incapable but I

still have this urge to make her see the error of her ways and then i guess

magically apologize and acknowledge her actions. It is crazy making because they

go back and forth -angry and venom then pretend it doesn't happen and then the

true self comes out. The anger, jealousy and resentment. I get suckered every

time....

Felicia Ward CPA

 

 

Subject: Re: For those who have gone " no contact, "

questions....

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, September 29, 2010, 12:12 PM

 

Really well put, . Your insights are always so helpful and relevant to my

own situation.

I grieve that I had to distance myself for my own physical and mental well

being, but as you said, basically I had to. Nada gave me no other choice. I

could no longer cope with the cycle of nada being loving/normal, then when I'd

relax I'd get sucker-punched in the emotional gut again with yet another

devastatingly cruel emotional attack by her. Another " gotcha! " Over time I have

come to believe that that reveals her true feelings: a pervasive underlying

hatred and resentment of me.

I had to save myself, so I guess I'm still feeling residual " survivor's guilt. "

I chose myself over my nada. So be it.

-Annie

-

> > > >

> > > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number,

moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in

my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't

change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > > >

> > > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > > >

> > > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about

" all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I

didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > > >

> > > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung

up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > > >

> > > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks, in advance-

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well stated! I agree--

-going NC is not without cost.

-what you've done, however healthy and strong and balanced, is still a

distortion of what you would have if the choice was up to you.

-this arrangement must be difficult. Your code of honor and duty with your

mother must hit your triggers all the time.

-you are walking down the crooked and difficult path of being healthy and sane

in a system that is " built " for insane.

I'm very impressed you do this at all. And, despite it all, it sounds like you

have a strong, healthy perspective and approach to this. It may not be perfect,

but you are definitely a model to the rest of us!

Blessings,

Karla

> > > >

> > > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number,

moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in

my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't

change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > > >

> > > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > > >

> > > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about

" all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I

didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > > >

> > > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung

up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > > >

> > > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks, in advance-

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I want her to see the error of her ways, but I know it will never happen.

Last Thursday, the voice mails left for me were all evil, full of spite and

venom. Today, she leaves one for me, which was " normal. " Super sweet, and

wonderful. Truly, it's like the Thursday Mom didn't even exsist...and I'm only

supposed to remember This Wednesday's Mom.

Quickly deleting her messages is helping me to not stay invested in her " stuff. "

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number,

moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in

my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't

change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > > > >

> > > > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting

her call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > > > >

> > > > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about

" all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I

didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > > > >

> > > > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung

up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > > > >

> > > > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest

part for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in

mind?

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks, in advance-

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

No contact, except for " business and emergencies. " What an awesome concept!

I really appreciate the input from everyone on this- I think this is going to be

my biggest struggle. Moving out, changing numbers, etc- all that is " active "

stuff, which requires I proactively " do something. "

The no-contact part is hard, it requires me to " do nothing. "

Thus, I have my challenge set before me.

> >

> > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

> >

> > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her call

go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even listening to

them.

> >

> > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction

of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

> >

> > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up on

her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone actually

apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with her- I

end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course,

anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

> >

> > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part for

you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> >

> > Thanks, in advance-

> >

>

[Guest guest]

There is one little thing that happened once, that I always think of it I feel

like I could be hoovered back in by Mums " being nice for a change " behaviour.

There was a gallery opening in our home town many years ago. They were having a

competition and my mother contacted me, suggesting we both put paintings in. I

was a little wary, as my mother had never encouraged my painintg. I turned up,

with two paintings. Mum gave me lots of praise, about how lovely they were, and

added - " ...but we need to change the frames so they look a little more

prefessional " . As I had hand-made the frames, I refused, saying I preferred them

as they were. The discussion, in less than a minute, went from Mum telling me

how great my work was, to telling me that the gallery owner wouldnt want my

paintings in the competition as they looked so sub-standard. I was amazed - it

was the only time I saw the whole good-to-bad switch so rapidly.

I remember being ashamed of my paintings for the rest of the evening, avoiding

talking to people about them.

Whevever she is being super-nice, I remember that incident and I dont fall for

it.

>

> I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

>

> I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her call

go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even listening to

them.

>

> That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction of

hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

>

> Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up on

her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone actually

apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with her- I

end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course,

anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

>

> How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part for

you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

>

> Thanks, in advance-

>

[Guest guest]

See, that sounds like something my mother would do! I always thought it was

funny how my mother would brag to her friends about how " gorgeous " my tattoos

were...but she would tell me that they were " trampy " and " low-class " and " no

decent man would ever want a wife with such trash on her body. " Yeah. It's

things like this which are helping me to keep her distance.

And don't even get me started with her comments on my jeans or my hair....

> >

> > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

> >

> > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her call

go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even listening to

them.

> >

> > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction

of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

> >

> > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up on

her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone actually

apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with her- I

end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course,

anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

> >

> > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part for

you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> >

> > Thanks, in advance-

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My husband and I went no contact with my MIL, and it's been great...all accept

the fact that she's enlisted her army of followers to make our lives miserable.

They use any medium they can to get at us. Facebook, blogs, text messages,

leaving things on our doorstep. I've deleted them as friends on FB and

unsubscribed to their blog lists so that I can't see when they update. I have

the same problem though, I always want to go back and look at what they are

saying. It's still better though then it was before: maintaining a fake, shallow

relationship while getting passive aggressive attacks and a lot of talk behind

our backs. Now at least I don't have to pretend to like them. We're all clear on

the fact that I think they're ridiculous. I'm not continuing a relationship with

them until they can act like adults and be responsible for their horrible talk

and actions. I don't accept that sort of treatment from friends or peers, so why

should I put up with that sort of treatment from my in-laws?

Good luck, friend.

> > >

> > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

> > >

> > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > >

> > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction

of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

> > >

> > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up

on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > >

> > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> > >

> > > Thanks, in advance-

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You've echoed exactly what got me up and moving...

I've NEVER accepted any " friend " who would call me names, always talk down to

me, put me down, etc...but I was so willing, so eager to take such abuse from my

mother!!

Life has been tons easier, since I moved 30+ miles away. I don't have the

constant chaos, drama, and upset in my life. I've lived with chaos for so long,

it has been difficult for me to live without it.

It's getting easier each day, that's for sure.

I'm okay with the lies which have been told about me. I figured this- people who

KNOW me, know what type of person I am...one mutual friend told me my mother

said I drained her bank account when I moved out. Some people she's told this

lie to believe it. This dear mutual friend- she said that in 35 years of knowing

me, she knew my mom was lying- she said she knew I was not the type of person to

steal from anyone, let alone my own mother!

Yup. Those who know me, know me. Those who want to believe I " threw " my poor,

defenseless, ill mother away will chose to believe that lie.

(BTW-- my poor, defenseless, ill mother is in better shape at 71 than some

people are at 31!)

> > > >

> > > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number,

moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in

my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't

change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > > >

> > > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > > >

> > > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about

" all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I

didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > > >

> > > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung

up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > > >

> > > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks, in advance-

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think that especially if you are in close contact with your bpd parent, it

really does help to keep a *private and safe* daily diary or blog or journal to

jot down the incidents of abusive behavior, how the bpd switches from sweet to

mean and back again, what triggered her mood swing or black and white thinking

or paranoia or projections, etc., so that we will not be so easily bamboozled in

the future.

It doesn't take long before the pattern of your bpd parent's behavior emerges,

so it becomes clear to you that its not you just " being sensitive " or " not

remembering things right " , you'll see that yes, nada does this over and over and

over again, and then tries to blame others (or you) for it, or perhaps denies

that it even happened.

Keeping a journal allows you to say with conviction, " I'm not the crazy one, the

overly-sensitive one, the liar... its not me. "

-Annie

> >

> > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

> >

> > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her call

go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even listening to

them.

> >

> > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction

of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

> >

> > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up on

her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone actually

apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to tell her

how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with her- I

end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of course,

anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go back.

> >

> > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part for

you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> >

> > Thanks, in advance-

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That is something my nada has done also. To my face, she'd put me down, make

indirect, passive-aggressive kinds of insults, make unfavorable comparisons with

my relatives or her friend's kids, call me names, etc., then I'd hear from other

people how she'd brag on me to them. So bizarre, when they do that.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number, moved

out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in my

name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't change

that number, so I'm stuck.

> > >

> > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > >

> > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the self-satisfaction

of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about " all the things I

took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I didn't do anything,

or pay any bills, etc.)

> > >

> > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung up

on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > >

> > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> > >

> > > Thanks, in advance-

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

For many years, I thought that was simply a trait of my mother.

I now see, plenty of other people do the same thing, too.

It's a mind-blower. How is it that she can tell complete strangers how wonderful

I am, what a blessing it is for her to have such a fabulous daughter, then

twenty minutes later- look me in the eye and tell me I am such a miserable

failure, I should just kill myself??

If I was a prisoner at war, the Geneva Convention would have had my mother on

trial for war crimes, based on some of the crap she did and said to me.

> > > >

> > > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number,

moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in

my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't

change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > > >

> > > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting her

call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > > >

> > > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about

" all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I

didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > > >

> > > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung

up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > > >

> > > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest part

for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in mind?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks, in advance-

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think a lot of what was done to us as children would be prosecutable as

criminal child abuse and negligence, child endangerment, corruption of a minor,

and other criminal acts, if they were committed against a child today.

But I can't see anyone taking me seriously if I were to file charges against my

nada tomorrow for having beaten me with a belt and done other things that

scarred me emotionally pretty much for life, over 50 years ago.

I just have to live with the fact that there is no true justice available to me

in this life; but, I'm getting to where I'm OK with that. I think I'm less

bitter than I used to be.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone number,

moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the utilities in

my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work phone. I can't

change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > > > >

> > > > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago, letting

her call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without even

listening to them.

> > > > >

> > > > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine about

" all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I

didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > > > >

> > > > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've hung

up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, " let alone

actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel the need to

tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those conversations go with

her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally speaking the truth. Of

course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown back at me...and yet, I go

back.

> > > > >

> > > > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the hardest

part for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time frame in

mind?

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks, in advance-

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It is bizarre that they do this. My parents did this my whole life. I

never understood it. I'd hear from their friends and our relatives " oh, you

are all they talk about....they're so proud of you..... " What the ???

All I ever heard was criticism! Maybe it's just part of their role

playing.......trying to let others see what loving, concerned parents they are,

when as their kid, we know different, which leads to our total confusion as

we grow up.

Laurie

In a message dated 9/30/2010 1:21:36 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sunnys_blues@... writes:

For many years, I thought that was simply a trait of my mother.

I now see, plenty of other people do the same thing, too.

It's a mind-blower. How is it that she can tell complete strangers how

wonderful I am, what a blessing it is for her to have such a fabulous

daughter, then twenty minutes later- look me in the eye and tell me I am such a

miserable failure, I should just kill myself??

If I was a prisoner at war, the Geneva Convention would have had my mother

on trial for war crimes, based on some of the crap she did and said to me.

> > > >

> > > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone

number, moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the

utilities in my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work

phone.

I can't change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > > >

> > > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago,

letting her call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages without

even listening to them.

> > > >

> > > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine

about

" all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I

didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > > >

> > > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've

hung up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, "

let alone actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel

the need to tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those

conversations go with her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for finally

speaking the truth. Of course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown

back at me...and yet, I go back.

> > > >

> > > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the

hardest part for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular time

frame in mind?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks, in advance-

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Could be a role-playing thing. I was always bewildered by how cheerful,

charming and sweet my mother was to everyone (including me) in public, and how

quickly her mood could change and how differently she would treat me once we

were alone. My trust level for her was drained down to zero, she was so

inconsistent in how she treated me from one hour to the next, or even one minute

to the next... and that was my " normal. "

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm struggling with the " no contact. " I've changed my phone

> number, moved out, changed all my banking information, turned off all the

> utilities in my name- the only way my mother can contact me is on my work

phone.

> I can't change that number, so I'm stuck.

> > > > >

> > > > > I stopped answering when she called a couple of months ago,

> letting her call go to voice mail. I was advised to delete her messages

without

> even listening to them.

> > > > >

> > > > > That's my struggle. I listen. Part of me does it for the

> self-satisfaction of hearing how awful she is doing, and to hear her whine

about

> " all the things I took care of " she can't seem to do (this after telling me I

> didn't do anything, or pay any bills, etc.)

> > > > >

> > > > > Three times now, I have called her back. It's been ugly, and I've

> hung up on her. Logically, I know she will never understand or " get it, "

> let alone actually apologize for the hurt she has caused...yet I still feel

> the need to tell her how I feel. I'm sure you all know how well those

> conversations go with her- I end up feeling angry, and then guilty for

finally

> speaking the truth. Of course, anything I say gets twisted around and thrown

> back at me...and yet, I go back.

> > > > >

> > > > > How has no contact worked out for others here? What was the

> hardest part for you? When you went no contact, did you have a particular

time

> frame in mind?

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks, in advance-

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>