Re: Re: keeping my mouth shut

[Guest guest]

Just to update everyone, the financial aid office gave me a fast response,

and said that it sounds like I qualify as being listed as independent! I

just need two letters of support, which I am obtaining from my former high

school therapist, and my closest family friend. I am beyond excited because

now my mother can no longer strangle me with her financial hold! Now, our

relationship will be more on my terms, if I choose, not because I have to

placate and appease her just to get my annual financial aid paperwork.

Thank you so much to the user who suggested that child of mental illness

clause, because it gave me the strength and encouragement, the push I needed

to tell my story and get help.

Also, thanks for everyone who reads and shares advice! It's so great to have

your support. =]

On Thu, Jul 22, 2010 at 6:19 PM, climberkayak wrote:

>

>

> I wish you so much luck with this . I really hope things are more

> enlightened now. Back when I was 18 my mother did give me what I needed to

> do the forms, but the government response was that there had to be a

> " parental contribution " of a certain amount or I could not get grants or

> loans. She told me she was too poor to make that contribution. That resulted

> in me living at home going for all four years for undergrad - also forced to

> give up the option to go to better universities that I had scholarships too

> that didn't cover room and board. I'll never know if she was lying or not,

> but I have my suspicions. In hindsight I now wonder too how true it was that

> I couldn't get the loans...after all she was " helping " me read and interpret

> the paperwork.

>

>

>

>

>

> > >> > >

> > >> > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were

> > >> somehow

> > >> > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond

> to

> > >> anymore

> > >> > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to

> > >> overlook many

> > >> > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her

> daughter

> > >> again,

> > >> > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily,

> > >> because it

> > >> > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously

> fulfill

> > >> the role

> > >> > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though

> I

> > >> knew that

> > >> > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could

> excuse

> > >> herself

> > >> > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling

> my

> > >> hair

> > >> > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't

> even

> > >> see was

> > >> > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't

> > >> want to

> > >> > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases

> at

> > >> my face,

> > >> > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts

> she

> > >> never

> > >> > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And

> > >> somehow I

> > >> > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she

> didn't

> > >> say sorry

> > >> > > > in the first place.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who

> if we

> > >> share

> > >> > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and

> antique

> > >> > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who

> > >> like to

> > >> > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you

> in

> > >> the past,

> > >> > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand

> up

> > >> for

> > >> > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a

> big,

> > >> huge mouth

> > >> > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I

> > >> should know

> > >> > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her

> off.

> > >> Call me

> > >> > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a

> > >> relationship

> > >> > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to

> say it

> > >> like it

> > >> > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash

> everyone,

> > >> myself

> > >> > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles

> what

> > >> I've gone

> > >> > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE

> CRAP.

> > >> She is

> > >> > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she

> put

> > >> me

> > >> > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I

> called

> > >> the

> > >> > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's

> > >> guidance

> > >> > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have

> > >> called the

> > >> > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you

> > >> out, throw

> > >> > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to

> sing

> > >> Jesus

> > >> > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick

> inside.

> > >> How can a

> > >> > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of

> the

> > >> hurt and

> > >> > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's

> > >> fine and

> > >> > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes

> me

> > >> feel

> > >> > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love

> you

> > >> so much

> > >> > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline

> is

> > >> > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being

> > >> > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my

> mom

> > >> that

> > >> > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually

> when

> > >> she is

> > >> > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel

> Gibson

> > >> style,

> > >> > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and

> > >> brother by

> > >> > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be

> honest

> > >> and told

> > >> > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was

> treating me

> > >> she

> > >> > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light

> like

> > >> that.

> > >> > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I

> wouldn't

> > >> have to

> > >> > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare

> herself to

> > >> the

> > >> > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she

> > >> identifies with

> > >> > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the

> housewives

> > >> throwing

> > >> > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a

> lot

> > >> about

> > >> > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab

> her,

> > >> which is

> > >> > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters

> of

> > >> the NJ

> > >> > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My

> nada

> > >> will yell

> > >> > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident.

> Mind

> > >> you, she

> > >> > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I

> was

> > >> merely

> > >> > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically

> disabled)

> > >> knocks

> > >> > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her

> wrath.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go

> back

> > >> to the

> > >> > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about

> anything,

> > >> good and

> > >> > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to

> defend

> > >> herself.

> > >> > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his

> lap

> > >> top and I

> > >> > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom

> about

> > >> it, and

> > >> > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and

> that's

> > >> what

> > >> > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was

> > >> because I

> > >> > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even

> > >> though I

> > >> > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented,

> that's

> > >> because he

> > >> > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my

> step

> > >> mom and

> > >> > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about

> it,

> > >> and now

> > >> > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring

> up

> > >> the past,

> > >> > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap

> about

> > >> my

> > >> > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when

> I am

> > >> bored.

> > >> > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible,

> curses

> > >> me out,

> > >> > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I

> simply

> > >> don't

> > >> > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems.

> She

> > >> says I

> > >> > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom)

> and

> > >> also I

> > >> > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family

> (my

> > >> cousin)

> > >> > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad

> light,

> > >> which

> > >> > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am

> therefore

> > >> > > > backstabbing and disloyal.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on

> eggshells

> > >> with

> > >> > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS

> that

> > >> she

> > >> > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused.

> Wait,

> > >> maybe

> > >> > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable

> person

> > >> lacking

> > >> > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry

> what

> > >> happened

> > >> > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking

> > >> compassion. "

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened

> > >> NADA, it's

> > >> > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane

> and

> > >> in

> > >> > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably

> > >> insane

> > >> > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my

> > >> mother, and

> > >> > > > expecting different results.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's

> > >> always the

> > >> > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even

> listen

> > >> to. And

> > >> > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing

> and

> > >> we talk

> > >> > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and

> she

> > >> will flip

> > >> > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I

> > >> allow it to.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > I keep answering her phone calls.

> > >> > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my

> mom

> > >> growing

> > >> > > > old alone and disabled.

> > >> > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both

> not

> > >> over

> > >> > > > what happened.

> > >> > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much

> > >> about my

> > >> > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling

> sorry

> > >> about ever

> > >> > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so

> angry

> > >> with

> > >> > > > her.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the

> > >> topics

> > >> > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful

> > >> relationship with

> > >> > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to

> get

> > >> through

> > >> > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t

> about

> > >> my

> > >> > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about

> > >> whatever I

> > >> > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on..

> I

> > >> know that

> > >> > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes

> to

> > >> dealing

> > >> > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she

> is

> > >> clearly

> > >> > > > calling to fight.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in

> > >> college,

> > >> > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get

> > >> financial aid,

> > >> > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a

> hold

> > >> over me.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax

> > >> papers.

> > >> > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my

> > >> financial aid.

> > >> > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I

> > >> shouldn't wait

> > >> > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also

> that

> > >> it's not

> > >> > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for

> me,

> > >> she

> > >> > > > feels used.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when

> I

> > >> feel so

> > >> > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact

> just

> > >> ruin our

> > >> > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship

> > >> instead? It

> > >> > > > seems like those are my only two options.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > >

> > >> > >

> > >> > >