memories and triggers

[Guest guest]

I was driving my kids to school this morning and I suddenly had this memory hit

me completely out of nowhere. My mother was driving me to school once (I was in

about 4th grade) and I had forgotten my lunch money (I think I had been playing

with it and didn't put it in my pocket like she said to do). She yanked the car

around, yelling at me for forgetting it the whole time. Apparently she told me

the money was on the dining room table, but I only retained " table. " After 5

minutes of panic-searching, I couldn't find it on the kitchen table. It doesn't

strike a 9 year old to look on another table. I finally went back outside to

tell her and she was already on her way back in. I knew I was in for it. She

started screaming at me " YOU NEVER LOOK WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO! WHAT'S WRONG

WITH YOU? YOU NEVER F* & & ^ING LISTEN TO ME!!! I AM SO SICK OF YOU NOT

LISTENING!!! " She didn't stop all the way to school, repeatedly telling me I

was an idiot and stupid, and as she dropped me off, she said, " I am done with

you. Do you know what that means? " I said no. And you know what? I still

don't.

[Guest guest]

Reading this, I felt my heart rate increasing and my breathing feeling

constricted. I experienced nearly the identical scenario on many occasions from

my nada. She'd go ballistic on me over some childish failure on my part, scream

at me, scare the crap out of me, make me feel lower than dirt, maybe even slap

me around a little, and then drop me off somewhere like school where I would be

shamed and humiliated in front of my friends for arriving with a red,

tear-streaked face.

One in particular stands out. I was very small, and momster did not want to go

into the grocery store herself and buy an item because she didn't " look right. "

(?) The place we were living at the time puts me at around 3 to 4 years old.

She gave me money and sent me in to buy her something I'd never heard of and

didn't even know what it was. I was to ask the store clerk to help me. The

store clerk was busy and didn't even realize that I was waiting and waiting to

speak to her. I went back out to the car and told mom that the lady wouldn't

help me, and mom screamed at me to go back inside and JUST DO IT! I was crying

by that point, and when the clerk finally did notice me and ask me what was

wrong, I was scared to speak because the clerk sounded irritated, and angry

adults scared me. My last memory of that incident is the clerk angrily telling

me that she couldn't understand me and to go back and ask my mommy what it is

she wanted; I think I was too scared to go back to the car at that point and

just blanked the rest of it out.

These people are just too mentally ill to be raising kids. There really ought

to be some kind of intervention process in place to catch this kind of

chronically abusive behavior, rescue the kids, get the kids into treatment, and

get the bpd parent into some kind of treatment program and only after passing

some kind of tests, being reunited with their kids, and then heavily supervised.

-Annie

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> I was driving my kids to school this morning and I suddenly had this memory

hit me completely out of nowhere. My mother was driving me to school once (I

was in about 4th grade) and I had forgotten my lunch money (I think I had been

playing with it and didn't put it in my pocket like she said to do). She yanked

the car around, yelling at me for forgetting it the whole time. Apparently she

told me the money was on the dining room table, but I only retained " table. "

After 5 minutes of panic-searching, I couldn't find it on the kitchen table. It

doesn't strike a 9 year old to look on another table. I finally went back

outside to tell her and she was already on her way back in. I knew I was in for

it. She started screaming at me " YOU NEVER LOOK WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU NEVER F* & & ^ING LISTEN TO ME!!! I AM SO SICK OF YOU

NOT LISTENING!!! " She didn't stop all the way to school, repeatedly telling me

I was an idiot and stupid, and as she dropped me off, she said, " I am done with

you. Do you know what that means? " I said no. And you know what? I still

don't.

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