Re: How BPD spills over

September 29, 2010

Try to get ahold of a copy of " Boundaries " by Cloud and Townsend (Dr.'s).

I, too, used to be triggered by other's emotions and had a hard time

controlling my own emotions. This book really helped me. Fleas suck. My

little brother has a lot of anger fleas that he's mostly not aware of....he can

get pretty scarey at times. He picked those up from nada; the whole

fam-damly picked something up from she and fada! Good luck dear heart.

Laurie

In a message dated 9/29/2010 1:12:43 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

nolegirl050709@... writes:

I'm still trying to get used to handling the " fleas. " When my husband gets

upset with me about something, I agonize for hours and beg him to not dwell

on being angry with me. It's not even his anger (he's a pretty

mild-mannered person), but it's my reaction to it. I get so wound up at any

anger in

the house.

I also upset myself when I get upset with the kids. We're about to start

the adoption proceedings, and I have been helping my husband raise his kids

for almost 4 years now. They are good kids, but they have some behavior

issues (their mom is a drug addict who was abusing while pregnant), and I find

it very frustrating sometimes. Coupled with the younger one's issues from

my husband's mother taking care of her and coddling her in the process (she

may be BP now that I think of it...I'll have to explore that later, but

she's certainly mentally ill), there are some frustrating days. I worry

constantly that I will turn out to be like Nada; I never saw good examples of

discipline, so I always struggle with what to do.

Oh, and of course, with the exception of Nada and my grandparents, the

entirety of my FOO on my nada's side is not speaking to me because we eloped.

And they wonder why.....

I just wonder a lot how I'm going to have a successful family when I have

no examples of such in my life.

September 29, 2010

You sound like a pretty remarkable woman to me, with a very big heart, to be so

loving and embracing of these children. Kudos to you!

A couple of things occur to me offhand.

One is to use your parent's behaviors and parenting style as a " negative

example. " However they treated you, avoid that like the plague. That's how my

Sister parented her boy; she consciously decided to avoid treating him the way

she was treated. Plus, we had a really kind, motherly neighbor that my Sister

spent time with, after school, until our nada got home from work. Nada arranged

this; it was one of the more sane, appropriate, caring things she did for us.

(I was at our house after school doing chores and homework.) Sister told me that

she based a lot of her parenting choices on the way Mrs. H. was with her and the

other kids. Is there someone, a friend or neighbor, whom you admire for her

mothering style? Perhaps she could be your mentor?

Another source would be parenting classes; I'm pretty sure they are offered for

different age-levels of kids.

And there's always therapy. Family therapy for yourself and husband and kids

would probably be really helpful.

-Annie

>

> I'm still trying to get used to handling the " fleas. " When my husband gets

upset with me about something, I agonize for hours and beg him to not dwell on

being angry with me. It's not even his anger (he's a pretty mild-mannered

person), but it's my reaction to it. I get so wound up at any anger in the

house.

>

> I also upset myself when I get upset with the kids. We're about to start the

adoption proceedings, and I have been helping my husband raise his kids for

almost 4 years now. They are good kids, but they have some behavior issues

(their mom is a drug addict who was abusing while pregnant), and I find it very

frustrating sometimes. Coupled with the younger one's issues from my husband's

mother taking care of her and coddling her in the process (she may be BP now

that I think of it...I'll have to explore that later, but she's certainly

mentally ill), there are some frustrating days. I worry constantly that I will

turn out to be like Nada; I never saw good examples of discipline, so I always

struggle with what to do.

>

> Oh, and of course, with the exception of Nada and my grandparents, the

entirety of my FOO on my nada's side is not speaking to me because we eloped.

And they wonder why.....

>

> I just wonder a lot how I'm going to have a successful family when I have no

examples of such in my life.

>

September 29, 2010

Nolegirl (are you from FSU?) -

You're in luck! Parenting - for sane people - is a skill set. It can be

learned, and you've already had four years of on-the-job-training. You can read

good parenting manuals, try the techniques, see what works, dump what doesn't.

Parents take a whole universe of approaches to discipline, so you're bound to

find something that works with the kids. Also, if their problem behaviors or

types of neglect and abuse have been identified by their doctors or counselors,

there may be very specific types of structure or discipline or communication

systems that you can try. You don't have to invent the wheel.

It's boring for adults, but structure and consistency seem to work best with

kids who have been abused or neglected. They need to know what the rules are

(because everything's been a mess up to now), and whether you will enforce the

new rules, and what the consequences will be if they break the rules. Once they

know that their universe has an order to it, they can relax and breathe easy.

They'll have to push the boundaries a bit (just checking!), but be strong and

make the consequences fit the infraction. " Strict " does not equal " mean and

unreasonable " - it equals " safe. "

Also - identify the people in your kids' lives who seem to know what they're

doing, and ask them! It's very useful to be able to cite other parents when the

kids tell you that " everybody's doing XYZ. " The parents on PTA board, the other

Scout and soccer parents - they're the " village " who have helped raise my son.

We don't all agree every standard and norm, but I've found that the parents of

kids who are turning out OK are pretty close in their parenting styles.