Guest guest Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 I'm not sure what to write in response, but, wow! You've captured my feelings at this moment. It's comforting and sad at the same time. Comforting to know someone else understands so well and sad that of all things to have in common with someone, it has to be this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 Somehow I missed reading your post when you first made it, but I think you have really nailed the KO experience: the striving to please someone who is unpleasable, the trying to deal with the irrational, contradictory decrees, the expectation that nada's needs and feelings always, always, always come first, and sadly realizing that means there is no room for anyone else's needs or feelings. I've thought of that as my borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother's perpetual, gaping black hole of need that can never be filled. And adding to that, trying to deal with her terrifying, screaming rages. The vitriolic verbal abuse plus the physical violence she'd inflict on us caused devastating emotional damage to both my little Sister and me. At some point, we kids of the personality-disordered have to make a break for it, get away from the abuse for the sake of our own emotional health, or risk becoming a kind of third arm grafted to our nada's side, living in perpetual silent subservience. Great two cent's worth, katg. Thanks for sharing it with us. -Annie > > I've been struggling with my relationship with my mother for years. > Today, I was told about Stop Walking On Eggshells. A the same time, I > was informed that my mother is likely BDP. While she hasn't been > examined by a psychiatrist and is unlikely to submit to that, it makes > sense. The pieces all fit. Not like I could tell her that, because she'd > never listen to it, which makes treatment highly unlikely. > I'm just so angry. I'm angry at the messages from BDP sufferers that > I've been reading at bdpcentral. I can see my mom in the 'pity me/it's > not my fault' attitude I keep seeing and it just hurts; it's hard to > accept. The only shining light is finding people who understand; who > went through it too. My siblings and I figured it was just us. We've > never known anyone who had a similar kind of problem. This is how I > feel; or rather have been feeling. If she'd listen, this is what I'd say > to my mother: > It's not all about you. If you want to rant, rave and throw a > tantrum over something because you feel like you are being slighted > without any rational reason, do not expect me to try to soothe you. It > is not an excuse. It is not an excuse for you to abuse others with your > behaviour. It is not an excuse to take it out on others. Where I would > normally suggest to anyone that you have no right to tell someone else > how or what to feel, BDP sufferers are an exception. They are incapable > by nature to be able to accurately analyze the situation. Instead, they > often act irrationally, hurting others in the process. And you think me > " listening " to you without agreeing with you will get me > anywhere? I've tried that honey and it just makes it fucking worse > for both of us, because you don't see me as listening no matter how > hard I try; it's a characteristic of the illness. > Empathy for you? My ass. For 25 years I have suffered under my > mother's tyranny. Constantly vigilant in my behaviour; needing to be > " good " all the time, so maybe today you wouldn't be mad at > me. Maybe today you wouldn't tell me I am rotten and I have to > change, because there is nothing good about me. Maybe today you > wouldn't tell me how ungrateful I am; how I am selfish and only > think about myself. And maybe today you would tell me you love me and > you like me, just as you raised me. Maybe you'd notice my > accomplishments or even listen to the comments you receive from other > people about how well behaved I am. It never mattered what I did, > because sooner or later I'd do something bad in your mind and all > the good that came before was forgotten. This is not acceptable. > It's not fair, it's not right and it will not be tolerated. I do > not empathize with your pain any more than you empathize with mine. > It's time to even the playing field. It's time for me to stop > hating you. And to do that you need to listen to me; to hear how I feel > too. > It's not all about you.It's not all about you.It's not all > about you. > It's not all about your pain. You need to take responsibility for > the damage you did; that you continue to do. You need to make an effort > to listen; to fix it. I have no reason to continue to try and listen to > you; to validate your irrational pains, when you refuse to listen to > what I have to say. > It's my turn now. > I deserve to heal. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated with > respect and dignity. > The only way I can do that is by not caring what you think about me. By > ignoring your confusing decrees that change from day to day and > contradict each other. I don't know what you want me to be anymore. > So I have to choose for myself. And you don't get a say, because you > confuse the issue. You change your mind and anger too easily. Worst of > all, all your needs come first, if mine ever bother to make it into the > arena at all. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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