Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Wish I could have gotten my dad to leave nada too. Unfortuantely cancer killed him before he got up the guts to leave. My nada woudlnt' lift a finger to hurt you but man verbally she was extremely abusive. Wish adults could see when it was time to leave as well as the kids. proflaf Subject: Spousal abuse To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Tuesday, August 24, 2010, 8:25 PM  My nada was never physically violent with me or my brother, although she was rather verbally abusive. She was beat up by her dad as a kid and so promised herself never to lay a hand on her own children. (The fact that she controlled herself with that makes me wish wonder why she can claim no self control with other things she does...) Anyway, I guess she never really made such a promise about her HUSBAND. My mom is the hermit type and my dad really fits the huntsman husband perfectly. Their relationship has really been pretty bad the last 10 years (they have been married 35 years). My dad hasn't worked in over 2 years since the economy crashed and she is soley dependent on him. He used to be really patient with her but lately he has lost all patience. When she starts yelling at him he just leaves and comes to my house. He was often sleeping on my or my brothers couch in our apartments a couple years ago. Last year I rented a house with my partner and we made a bedroom just for him. Sometimes when my dad comes over he has a bruise or scrape on his face or head. He has admitted to me she gets violent. She punches him (which usually doesn't hurt him or leave a mark) or throws things at him (that's when he gets bumps on his head). He says can't really fight back because he is really quite a lot larger and stronger than her. The cops have been involved many times (when neighbors or whitenesses call) but they really don't help much. When she is arrested they don't know how to deal with her severe mental illness, she ends up shackled to the floor, and when she gets out later it's my dad who ends up paying all the legal fees. Both of my parents complain to me about the other, but neither will take my advice to get a divorce. Do you think I just enabling him to not leave her? I feel so bad for him, but at the same time, he's an adult, he should know nothing will change. He stays at my place about 5 nights a week now. (a couple nights a week she's in a " good " phase and wants him back, which he always does when she asks. Until she starts yelling again and then he's back at my place.) He says she has no one else (true) and that she'll just end up killing herself if he doesn't take care of her (also might be true, who knows? but should he sacrifice himself for her??). Well even if I didn't offer my place, he'd sleep on my brother's couch again, or in his car (he's done that as well.) I guess if I can't help him just leave her like he should the least I can do is help him have a good night's sleep. I can't tell you how odd it feels to have my father in this situation. My father has a PhD in math, and used to be making $150k a year. He was always my " rock " in our house, the one thing I could always depend on. I believe he's the only reason I don't have BPD myself. When I've lost jobs or insurance, he always had money to help me out. Suddenly I'm his support. I wish there was more I could do. When I was a kid I wished he would divorce my mom and take me away from her, and now I wish I could take HIM away from her, but he's not a kid, and it really seems like I can't do shit. Wow it looks like this email really has no point whatsoever, sorry about that. I just know you all will understand my frustration. Maybe some of you have experience with this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Wow, I really relate to much of your story. My dad was the huntsman, too, the rock, and I always wished he would leave Nada and take me away when I was a kid, esp in those rough pre teen and early teen years. I think you answer your own question when you say " Do you think I just enabling him to not leave her? " What do you think? You have a choice, you can support him in staying with his abuser by giving him his own room in your house, or you can let him know that you will support him when he leaves and that you can't watch him being abused. I'd let him sleep on my brother's couch if it were me, someone who goes back to an abuser over and over and puts me through those ups and downs. . . esp if there is violence. If I were you I'd get my hands on every bit of domestic violence literature I could find and become and expert. And I wouldn't give him refuge. But really, I doubt he'll leave. I was naive and when I left the family I thought my dad might see the light, leave nada, move on with his life. Fantasies. . . now I just don't see him either, not ever. One thing I discovered (and I can't say this is true for you) but after being on this group and examining my memories, I found my dad wasn't the saint I painted him to be. Better than her sure, but he probably was the one that parentified me, made me responsible for her, told me I had to take care of her. . and there's other things - lack of confidence, co-dependence tendancies, emotional manipulation. . I just didn't see it. I hope thats not true for you. I'm wishing you the very very best. Many hugs. Girlscout > > > Wish I could have gotten my dad to leave nada too. Unfortuantely cancer > killed him before he got up the guts to leave. My nada woudlnt' lift a > finger to hurt you but man verbally she was extremely abusive. Wish adults > could see when it was time to leave as well as the kids. > proflaf > > > > From: slingshot2hell <slingshot2hell@...<slingshot2hell%40gmail.com> > > > Subject: Spousal abuse > To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> > Date: Tuesday, August 24, 2010, 8:25 PM > > > > > My nada was never physically violent with me or my brother, although she > was rather verbally abusive. She was beat up by her dad as a kid and so > promised herself never to lay a hand on her own children. (The fact that she > controlled herself with that makes me wish wonder why she can claim no self > control with other things she does...) Anyway, I guess she never really made > such a promise about her HUSBAND. > > My mom is the hermit type and my dad really fits the huntsman husband > perfectly. Their relationship has really been pretty bad the last 10 years > (they have been married 35 years). My dad hasn't worked in over 2 years > since the economy crashed and she is soley dependent on him. He used to be > really patient with her but lately he has lost all patience. When she starts > yelling at him he just leaves and comes to my house. He was often sleeping > on my or my brothers couch in our apartments a couple years ago. Last year I > rented a house with my partner and we made a bedroom just for him. > > Sometimes when my dad comes over he has a bruise or scrape on his face or > head. He has admitted to me she gets violent. She punches him (which usually > doesn't hurt him or leave a mark) or throws things at him (that's when he > gets bumps on his head). He says can't really fight back because he is > really quite a lot larger and stronger than her. The cops have been involved > many times (when neighbors or whitenesses call) but they really don't help > much. When she is arrested they don't know how to deal with her severe > mental illness, she ends up shackled to the floor, and when she gets out > later it's my dad who ends up paying all the legal fees. > > Both of my parents complain to me about the other, but neither will take my > advice to get a divorce. > > Do you think I just enabling him to not leave her? I feel so bad for him, > but at the same time, he's an adult, he should know nothing will change. He > stays at my place about 5 nights a week now. (a couple nights a week she's > in a " good " phase and wants him back, which he always does when she asks. > Until she starts yelling again and then he's back at my place.) He says she > has no one else (true) and that she'll just end up killing herself if he > doesn't take care of her (also might be true, who knows? but should he > sacrifice himself for her??). Well even if I didn't offer my place, he'd > sleep on my brother's couch again, or in his car (he's done that as well.) I > guess if I can't help him just leave her like he should the least I can do > is help him have a good night's sleep. > > I can't tell you how odd it feels to have my father in this situation. My > father has a PhD in math, and used to be making $150k a year. He was always > my " rock " in our house, the one thing I could always depend on. I believe > he's the only reason I don't have BPD myself. When I've lost jobs or > insurance, he always had money to help me out. Suddenly I'm his support. I > wish there was more I could do. When I was a kid I wished he would divorce > my mom and take me away from her, and now I wish I could take HIM away from > her, but he's not a kid, and it really seems like I can't do shit. > > Wow it looks like this email really has no point whatsoever, sorry about > that. I just know you all will understand my frustration. Maybe some of you > have experience with this? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.