Re: Does the guilt carry over into other parts of your life?

August 24, 2010

Hi birdie,

I'm no expert, but that topic does seem to crop up from time to time. It

appears that there are some of us at this Group (and at other support Groups I

belong to) that describe that people-pleasing, afraid-to-ever-say- " no " kind of

behavior in the adult children of personality-disordered parents.

I suppose that happens with parentified children: the ones who are raised to

feel responsible for their parents' feelings and well-being, and it carries over

into adulthood with feeling that you're responsible for everyone's happiness and

well-being.

I think that's also called " being co-dependent. " As a child with no choices or

objectivity, you were assigned the role of care-giver. Now you feel like you

can't quit that " job " or everything will just disintegrate and go to hell around

you and it will be your fault, OR maybe, you can't quit that job because if you

do, you will have no function or no purpose in life and nobody will like you any

more because you're not taking care of their needs any longer.

What an inappropriate and crappy thing to do to one's own child: saddle her with

an adult's level of responsibility at, like, age 6. Turning your joyful,

innocent little child into a 55 year old before her time, when there's no actual

executive ability, experience or power to carry off that level of

responsibility. (Sounds like some jobs I've had in my life: " Welcome to our

company. You are totally responsible for finishing this project on deadline and

on budget, but we're not giving you any time or money or authority to make any

of that actually happen. Have fun! " )

Its really difficult to undo a lifetime's worth of brainwashing, but the truth

is:

1. Other adults are responsible for their own feelings and their own happiness

and well-being, not you.

2. You have value purpose in life aside from being a care-giver.

3. Care-giving is supposed to be mutual between adult friends and relatives and

spouses, not just one-way all the time.

-Annie

>

> This was in another post and I felt like it was enough to turn into a thread:

" as adults we get to say " no " sometimes "

>

> Sometimes I find myself carrying over a lot of guilt into my life in other

ways. I'm so bad at saying no to anyone. It's like I'm always trying to atone

for something. It sometimes gets to the point where I become physically ill

because I've signed myself up for so much stuff - meetings, photo gigs, helping

people, school, writing, whatever. I feel like sometimes I do this because I

want to make everyone happy - because if I say no or disagree I'm afraid they'll

become unhappy and abusive.

>

> Is this normal? Is this a thing that happens when you have one of these

parents?

>

August 24, 2010

For me the guilt shows up in difficulty saying no, but I still do it. I can

relate to your trouble though because I only just barely manage the " no "

sometimes and I have a lot of stress afterward questioning whether I was

appropriate or not. I also tend to avoid joining organizations that I know are

likely to put pressure on me to do a lot of things (like churches) even though I

know there are many good reasons to join too.

It's important to remember than if you don't take care of yourself you can't

take care of others. Oxygen mask and all that. Maybe you could start to phase

out some of your responsibilities that you don't get much satisfaction from?

>

> This was in another post and I felt like it was enough to turn into a thread:

" as adults we get to say " no " sometimes "

>

> Sometimes I find myself carrying over a lot of guilt into my life in other

ways. I'm so bad at saying no to anyone. It's like I'm always trying to atone

for something. It sometimes gets to the point where I become physically ill

because I've signed myself up for so much stuff - meetings, photo gigs, helping

people, school, writing, whatever. I feel like sometimes I do this because I

want to make everyone happy - because if I say no or disagree I'm afraid they'll

become unhappy and abusive.

>

> Is this normal? Is this a thing that happens when you have one of these

parents?

>

August 24, 2010

Yeah this is me. Major. Majorly parentified and majorly still taking care of

the world. Co-dependent check. Life as we know it will fall apart with out

me check. I'm the only one who can do anything check.

Ha ha ha, I'm learning.

In fact, about 2 weeks ago I resigned from a big volunteer project I've

worked on for about 4 years for many reasons. but the top 2 was that it

didn't feel good anymore (girls bitching at each other back stage started

making it feel negative, basically) and that other opportunities have come

along for me as I've invested more in the community it is starting to give

back.

I think it was very very very upsetting to my friend who is in charge of the

project I resigned. Basically I've taken care of him and managed the details

so that the show can go on. I love him, but I don't know if I want to

continue to give with no real benefit for myself anymore - other than the

satisfaction of a job well done.

So anyway, he is freaking out and emotional and the show might just not be

going on anymore. Unless we can restructure the show so that it meets some

of my needs too. We are working on that now. But he knows I still love him.

It seems another friend of mine has been spreading rumors about him and he

thought I was believing them. But nope, I hadn't even heard them. . .

So that's my co-dependency story of the week!

On Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 4:09 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> Hi birdie,

> I'm no expert, but that topic does seem to crop up from time to time. It

> appears that there are some of us at this Group (and at other support Groups

> I belong to) that describe that people-pleasing, afraid-to-ever-say- " no "

> kind of behavior in the adult children of personality-disordered parents.

>

> I suppose that happens with parentified children: the ones who are raised

> to feel responsible for their parents' feelings and well-being, and it

> carries over into adulthood with feeling that you're responsible for

> everyone's happiness and well-being.

>

> I think that's also called " being co-dependent. " As a child with no choices

> or objectivity, you were assigned the role of care-giver. Now you feel like

> you can't quit that " job " or everything will just disintegrate and go to

> hell around you and it will be your fault, OR maybe, you can't quit that job

> because if you do, you will have no function or no purpose in life and

> nobody will like you any more because you're not taking care of their needs

> any longer.

>

> What an inappropriate and crappy thing to do to one's own child: saddle her

> with an adult's level of responsibility at, like, age 6. Turning your

> joyful, innocent little child into a 55 year old before her time, when

> there's no actual executive ability, experience or power to carry off that

> level of responsibility. (Sounds like some jobs I've had in my life:

> " Welcome to our company. You are totally responsible for finishing this

> project on deadline and on budget, but we're not giving you any time or

> money or authority to make any of that actually happen. Have fun! " )

>

> Its really difficult to undo a lifetime's worth of brainwashing, but the

> truth is:

> 1. Other adults are responsible for their own feelings and their own

> happiness and well-being, not you.

> 2. You have value purpose in life aside from being a care-giver.

> 3. Care-giving is supposed to be mutual between adult friends and relatives

> and spouses, not just one-way all the time.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > This was in another post and I felt like it was enough to turn into a

> thread: " as adults we get to say " no " sometimes "

> >

> > Sometimes I find myself carrying over a lot of guilt into my life in

> other ways. I'm so bad at saying no to anyone. It's like I'm always trying

> to atone for something. It sometimes gets to the point where I become

> physically ill because I've signed myself up for so much stuff - meetings,

> photo gigs, helping people, school, writing, whatever. I feel like sometimes

> I do this because I want to make everyone happy - because if I say no or

> disagree I'm afraid they'll become unhappy and abusive.

> >

> > Is this normal? Is this a thing that happens when you have one of these

> parents?

> >

>

August 29, 2010

yes, i think so, or it has with me also.. there is also a deep shame in me that

thinks i have deserved all this abusive treatment somehow, and that it is

somehow all my fault

there is a book by dr. henry cloud called 'boundaries' which i found helpful in

getting me more able to say 'no' without so much guilt or fear of abandonment..

it is written from a christian perspective which you can take or leave as much

of as you wish.

i'm afraid this dysfunctional childhood we all have endured is far reaching

sometimes in it's fleas, and efforts to heal can be for the long haul.

Â sometimes we heal quickly and sometimes slowly.best wishes on your journey!ann

Subject: Does the guilt carry over into other parts of your

life?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, August 24, 2010, 4:27 PM

Â

This was in another post and I felt like it was enough to turn into a

thread: " as adults we get to say " no " sometimes "

Sometimes I find myself carrying over a lot of guilt into my life in other ways.

I'm so bad at saying no to anyone. It's like I'm always trying to atone for

something. It sometimes gets to the point where I become physically ill because

I've signed myself up for so much stuff - meetings, photo gigs, helping people,

school, writing, whatever. I feel like sometimes I do this because I want to

make everyone happy - because if I say no or disagree I'm afraid they'll become

unhappy and abusive.

Is this normal? Is this a thing that happens when you have one of these parents?

August 29, 2010

good for you! those sound like big steps forward to me..