Parents that will never change

[Guest guest]

I am a newcomer to this group and only learned about BPD within the past year.

Up till now I have considered the greatest failure in my life my inability to

change my parents. In other words, no matter what I said or did as a child or

as an adult I was never able to communicate what I felt and thought to my

parents. My words and deeds hit a brick wall of rejection. My sense of being a

failure in general is profound.

I am reading a good book called My Parents Keeper - Adult Children of the

Emotionally Disturbed. The author says that most KO's try to " heal " their

parents but fail. " Slowly but surely your self-esteem becomes entwined with

your success or failure in restoring your parent to more adequate functioning.

The sad truth is that most of you are fated to fail in your task. And as you

do, your self-esteem becomes more and more eroded. "

This is starting to sink in. My parents were mentally ill, and they were and

are incapable of change. It is not my fault that I failed to change them. This

is a relief. Maybe as this sinks in I can feel less like a failure.

On the other hand, if they are incapable of change it means that they will never

be able to hear me. No matter what I say or do they will not love me,

appreciate me, or feel proud of me. This realization feels like a terrible

loss.

Thank you for letting me share.