Self-Identity?

[Guest guest]

I've been reading a lot of posts on these forums. It always amazes me how

everyone seems to know exactly what myself and everyone else is going through.

I guess BPD parents seem to produce the same type of struggles in their

children. It's all been extremely helpful to know these struggles are not just

a personal character flaw and are perfectly normal for the children of BPD.

What happens when you get older and have to learn to deal with everything? For

the first time, I am away from my father, don't talk to him, have no financial

ties to him and I find myself completely clueless. I feel a lot like a prisoner

who has been in jail for two decades, and when they get out it's exhilarating at

first, but eventually they get overwhelmed. They are so used to being

controlled that they have no idea how to be free. And that is basically where

I'm at now.

I've literally had no real parenting. My father started brainwashing me at only

3 years old, and my mother became highly verbally and physically abusive for

several years during my childhood. It only happened when my dad was traveling a

lot on business trips. I didn't do very well in school because I was being

drastically under challenged. I have had zero role models. All the parenting I

got was from books like " The Road Less Traveled " .

I've always thought I knew myself but apparently I didn't. I've spent my life

serving all my abusers, molding myself for their acceptance. With their words,

they've convinced me I am someone else. Now that I am entirely free, I feel a

bit like an innocent child child who doesn't know anything and is learning

everything for the first time. I find myself asking basic childlike questions;

" What is love? " ... " Is it supposed to feel like something? " ... " How do you know

what's right for you? " ... " How do you know if you like something or not? " And

numerous other what is this what is that questions.

Does anyone have any books they can recommend? This state I am in is extremely

vulnerable and rather frightening. Then again I guess some people would give

anything to go back to the innocent mainframe of a child. Anyone else ever go

through this? Or going through it now?

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