Re: my letter to my parents, your KO perspective?

[Guest guest]

Well, as a caveat, I don't know the background to your story, so what I say

might be completely irrelevant...

I think your're right, you are being too apologetic and you're sharing too much.

I think in a situation like this, you're best off getting straight to the point.

Maybe send a thank you card, as a response for whatever birthday card/letter she

sent you, and then casually mention that it's too bad you missed each other?

Because that's better than a postcard from your nada's POV, since nobody can

read it, but it both gives you an excuse for writing and lets you keep it short

and simple.

But it depends on what you're trying to get across. If you're trying to be

apologetic, I just want to warn you to be careful, since an apology or admission

of guilt will give your nada power over you that she could easily take advantage

of.

>

>

> Appreciating the input so far. I had this feeling that KO would be

> very frank with me.

>

> I guess my tone is apologetic. It is weak, and it gives too much

> information, too.

>

> I wanted to apologize, because as it turns out, my mom was apparently

> out of town when we visited! (Of course, I don't know that she is

> being fully honest, even with my brother). And I really should not

> take all the responsibility. I see that this letter does that, trying

> to avoid what might appear to be " blaming " to her. Bending myself

> into a pretzel a bit.....

>

> I still feel a bit apologetic, but to be fair to me...I was simply

> unable emotionally to give my mom advance notice of our trip. I did

> let her know by mail at the post office address the week before we

> were in driving distance of her home. (To clear up the confusion,

> that card was successfully delivered; the second card really was

> misaddressed by me. An innocent error that was not caught/corrected by

> the deliverer).

>

> The old loves the idea of a post card written just as you

> suggested Annie...But don't you think I should have done that a month

> ago, when we first got home? Sending it a month later might be

> misinterpreted. My mom hates post cards, because everyone knows there

> ARE occasional mailmen who do read them. LOL. The old victoria would

> have said what the hell, and sent her a post card anyways. Right

> now, it would be rubbing egg in her face to send her one.

>

> I am still open to other perspectives and likely will significantly

> edit the letter....

>

> Thank you!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , my first reaction is puzzlement...curious what type of relationship

do you *want* to have with your mother? What is the goal? My guess is that

clarifying that will show clearly what should be in the letter.

About the trip, my feeling is it is best just to drop it and not make

explanations. It probably doesn't even need to be mentioned at all really. I

like others suggestions of just a simple short note that will be enough to let

her know you are open to receiving mail and leave it at that.

>

>

> Appreciating the input so far. I had this feeling that KO would be

> very frank with me.

>

> I guess my tone is apologetic. It is weak, and it gives too much

> information, too.

>

> I wanted to apologize, because as it turns out, my mom was apparently

> out of town when we visited! (Of course, I don't know that she is

> being fully honest, even with my brother). And I really should not

> take all the responsibility. I see that this letter does that, trying

> to avoid what might appear to be " blaming " to her. Bending myself

> into a pretzel a bit.....

>

> I still feel a bit apologetic, but to be fair to me...I was simply

> unable emotionally to give my mom advance notice of our trip. I did

> let her know by mail at the post office address the week before we

> were in driving distance of her home. (To clear up the confusion,

> that card was successfully delivered; the second card really was

> misaddressed by me. An innocent error that was not caught/corrected by

> the deliverer).

>

> The old loves the idea of a post card written just as you

> suggested Annie...But don't you think I should have done that a month

> ago, when we first got home? Sending it a month later might be

> misinterpreted. My mom hates post cards, because everyone knows there

> ARE occasional mailmen who do read them. LOL. The old victoria would

> have said what the hell, and sent her a post card anyways. Right

> now, it would be rubbing egg in her face to send her one.

>

> I am still open to other perspectives and likely will significantly

> edit the letter....

>

> Thank you!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OK, I understand better now, I think; perhaps you are feeling somewhat guilty

and apologetic because you didn't give your mother more advance notice that

you'd be in her area and could visit. Maybe you felt torn about the whole idea:

part of you wanted to see her but part of you didn't; very understandable. Its

possible that your mother felt similarly uncomfortable and awkward about seeing

you, too, and so she chose to go out of town to avoid the whole thing.

I now agree with the posts that suggest that its better to not mention the trip

at all, and instead just go forward from this current point. If she recently

sent you a gift or card, then return the gesture with a thank you card without

bringing up the subject of the trip.

If at some future point your mother brings up the trip, then you can

say something about being sad that you guys didn't get to meet up that time, but

without being overly apologetic. Stuff happens sometimes: wires get crossed,

plans fall through. Its not a tragedy.

If in the future you both are feeling more positive about wanting to see each

other again sometime, you can plan a visit a little more in advance.

Just my 2 cents worth. Believe me, I know what feeling torn about wanting / not

wanting to see one's mother is like. I just did, recently; it was the first

time we'd seen or spoken to each other in about 2 years. There was a family

event I couldn't escape attending, because it meant too much to my Sister for me

to be there and Sister deserves all the support I can give her. It went better

than I had anticipated, thank Heaven, but my nada still managed to sling some

" stealth zingers " at me from time to time. I managed to not rise to the bait,

to just remain polite, vague, neutral and emotionally detached, but it was

difficult to make myself stay calm and non-reactive. Ugh.

Anyway, my suggestion now is to skip mentioning your recent vacation in her area

altogether and instead write a short note in a card about more current events,

if you're feeling the need to keep the lines of communication open.

-Annie

>

>

> Appreciating the input so far. I had this feeling that KO would be

> very frank with me.

>

> I guess my tone is apologetic. It is weak, and it gives too much

> information, too.

>

> I wanted to apologize, because as it turns out, my mom was apparently

> out of town when we visited! (Of course, I don't know that she is

> being fully honest, even with my brother). And I really should not

> take all the responsibility. I see that this letter does that, trying

> to avoid what might appear to be " blaming " to her. Bending myself

> into a pretzel a bit.....

>

> I still feel a bit apologetic, but to be fair to me...I was simply

> unable emotionally to give my mom advance notice of our trip. I did

> let her know by mail at the post office address the week before we

> were in driving distance of her home. (To clear up the confusion,

> that card was successfully delivered; the second card really was

> misaddressed by me. An innocent error that was not caught/corrected by

> the deliverer).

>

> The old loves the idea of a post card written just as you

> suggested Annie...But don't you think I should have done that a month

> ago, when we first got home? Sending it a month later might be

> misinterpreted. My mom hates post cards, because everyone knows there

> ARE occasional mailmen who do read them. LOL. The old victoria would

> have said what the hell, and sent her a post card anyways. Right

> now, it would be rubbing egg in her face to send her one.

>

> I am still open to other perspectives and likely will significantly

> edit the letter....

>

> Thank you!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

don't beat up on yourself for all the emotions you are having that are part of

the FOG. It's so tough to parcel all this stuff out, when, like you say, you

really can't trust her to be completely truthful anyway. Hugs!

>

>

> Appreciating the input so far. I had this feeling that KO would be

> very frank with me.

>

> I guess my tone is apologetic. It is weak, and it gives too much

> information, too.

>

> I wanted to apologize, because as it turns out, my mom was apparently

> out of town when we visited! (Of course, I don't know that she is

> being fully honest, even with my brother). And I really should not

> take all the responsibility. I see that this letter does that, trying

> to avoid what might appear to be " blaming " to her. Bending myself

> into a pretzel a bit.....

>

> I still feel a bit apologetic, but to be fair to me...I was simply

> unable emotionally to give my mom advance notice of our trip. I did

> let her know by mail at the post office address the week before we

> were in driving distance of her home. (To clear up the confusion,

> that card was successfully delivered; the second card really was

> misaddressed by me. An innocent error that was not caught/corrected by

> the deliverer).

>

> The old loves the idea of a post card written just as you

> suggested Annie...But don't you think I should have done that a month

> ago, when we first got home? Sending it a month later might be

> misinterpreted. My mom hates post cards, because everyone knows there

> ARE occasional mailmen who do read them. LOL. The old victoria would

> have said what the hell, and sent her a post card anyways. Right

> now, it would be rubbing egg in her face to send her one.

>

> I am still open to other perspectives and likely will significantly

> edit the letter....

>

> Thank you!

>

>

>