Spousal abuse

[Guest guest]

My nada was never physically violent with me or my brother, although she was

rather verbally abusive. She was beat up by her dad as a kid and so promised

herself never to lay a hand on her own children. (The fact that she controlled

herself with that makes me wish wonder why she can claim no self control with

other things she does...) Anyway, I guess she never really made such a promise

about her HUSBAND.

My mom is the hermit type and my dad really fits the huntsman husband perfectly.

Their relationship has really been pretty bad the last 10 years (they have been

married 35 years). My dad hasn't worked in over 2 years since the economy

crashed and she is soley dependent on him. He used to be really patient with her

but lately he has lost all patience. When she starts yelling at him he just

leaves and comes to my house. He was often sleeping on my or my brothers couch

in our apartments a couple years ago. Last year I rented a house with my partner

and we made a bedroom just for him.

Sometimes when my dad comes over he has a bruise or scrape on his face or head.

He has admitted to me she gets violent. She punches him (which usually doesn't

hurt him or leave a mark) or throws things at him (that's when he gets bumps on

his head). He says can't really fight back because he is really quite a lot

larger and stronger than her. The cops have been involved many times (when

neighbors or whitenesses call) but they really don't help much. When she is

arrested they don't know how to deal with her severe mental illness, she ends up

shackled to the floor, and when she gets out later it's my dad who ends up

paying all the legal fees.

Both of my parents complain to me about the other, but neither will take my

advice to get a divorce.

Do you think I just enabling him to not leave her? I feel so bad for him, but at

the same time, he's an adult, he should know nothing will change. He stays at my

place about 5 nights a week now. (a couple nights a week she's in a " good " phase

and wants him back, which he always does when she asks. Until she starts yelling

again and then he's back at my place.) He says she has no one else (true) and

that she'll just end up killing herself if he doesn't take care of her (also

might be true, who knows? but should he sacrifice himself for her??). Well even

if I didn't offer my place, he'd sleep on my brother's couch again, or in his

car (he's done that as well.) I guess if I can't help him just leave her like he

should the least I can do is help him have a good night's sleep.

I can't tell you how odd it feels to have my father in this situation. My father

has a PhD in math, and used to be making $150k a year. He was always my " rock "

in our house, the one thing I could always depend on. I believe he's the only

reason I don't have BPD myself. When I've lost jobs or insurance, he always had

money to help me out. Suddenly I'm his support. I wish there was more I could

do. When I was a kid I wished he would divorce my mom and take me away from her,

and now I wish I could take HIM away from her, but he's not a kid, and it really

seems like I can't do shit.

Wow it looks like this email really has no point whatsoever, sorry about that. I

just know you all will understand my frustration. Maybe some of you have

experience with this?