Re: Re: I'm DIZZY

[Guest guest]

Hi Miss Meg,

How are you? My mother is BPD. My boyfriend is the first person who ever

really believed me that she was nuts. He was like, its not you, its her. I

had gone no contact with her hmmm 4 years or so before I met my boyfriend,

but I always felt I was doing something wrong, but my mental and emotional

survival depended on her staying away from me! He has only met her once or

twice (very brief exceptions to the NC) and he thinks she is nuts.

he supports me 100% in my Nc and what I need to do to be away from her.

Everything from listening to voice messages I might get 1 or 2 times a year

from family, to hiding Christmas gifts they drop off to keep me from a guilt

trip.

He's been my partner in my long long journey to heal from my mentally ill

parent. The validation is beautiful. I never knew how beautiful it would be

to have someone say, you are right, your mother was a child abuser. But he

has done something else amazing for me too - he shares his childhood

memories with me and lets me experience what it would be like to grow up

healthy, with boundaries, with fun a part of your life, and not over

burdened by parentification like I was. So I love that.

He also reflects to me my own positive traits in many ways (he is a visual

artist and expresses himself that way) so that also helps me see myself in a

different light and escape from my hideous image as reflected to me by my

mother.

So just some thoughts.

Now on the holidays, I would just say screw you to family and do exactly

what you want to do that day. If you want to wear a dorky Christmas sweater

and read a book while sitting in your fav recliner, do it!!! I love the

cruise or trip idea. I think we are going to make an art noveau gingerbread

house. Or something. But I'm hoping to avoid family obligations. Sometimes I

have to do his fam stuff, and I do my best, but i have an allergy to

families of all types, shades and stripes.

Hugs, good luck

On Thu, Sep 30, 2010 at 5:17 PM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

>

> Meg - you asked about the role of the spouse, and about holiday pressure.

> Herewith - a list of things my husband HAS done to support me in the face of

> my mom's BPD behavior, and things I WISH he'd do.

>

> Most important - early on, he saw through my mom's facade and believed me.

> Neither of us could explain her behavior, but he validated that there was

> something wrong, and it wasn't me. He could throw his dirty socks on the

> floor for the rest of his life, and I'd forgive him - just because he

> believed that I wasn't what my mother said I was.

>

> When I'd come home from visiting my parents, I'd be shaking and sobbing,

> and he'd put up with me. Nobody else we knew had this kind of reaction to

> Thanksgiving dinner with the folks. He could have assumed that I was just

> oversensitive or crazy myself, but because he'd seen my mother in operation,

> he would just give me a hug and let me cry through it, then we'd go do

> something fun.

>

> When I realized that we could NOT let our son be Mom's next victim, my

> husband never, ever said " but she's his grandmother... " He was fully behind

> me when I cut ties, just as he was patient when I was still in her clutches.

> While she messed with me the most, she's done her share of messing with his

> head, too. He put up with it, but was more than ready to walk away when I

> did.

>

> That being said - he's enmeshed with his own family, and we have conflict

> about that. He's a lot more able to set boundaries (brick walls!) with my

> mom than he is with his own relatives. It's not perfect, but I think he'll

> get there eventually. That puts me in your shoes, Meg - the spouse of the

> person with the crazies in their family tree.

>

> So - I WISH he'd just go ahead and say what we're both thinking ( " my niece

> is a skank and my nephew is a loss to humankind " ) rather than defending them

> due to family loyalty. Then we could get past it and move on.

>

> I WISH he'd quit trying to make peace with his family, or be involved with

> them at the holidays, or feel guilty that they have children who need

> guidance, etc. He can't fix them any more than I can fix my mom. I wish he'd

> declare his allegiance to our own family unit and let his relatives stew in

> their own dysfunctional juices.

>

> I wish he'd quit making long-term (as in, retirement) plans that involve

> owning stuff with his brother. This is going to be bad, bad news for a long,

> long time. But he won't listen.

>

> As to the holidays - if I had the power to do it, I'd book a cruise for our

> small family unit, or a ski trip, or plan a road trip for all the major

> holidays. Put down the deposits, start packing, and under no circumstances

> be available for the extended family crapfest that runs from Halloween to

> New Year's.

>

> But that's just me...

>

>

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hello All,

> > > >

> > > > I'm new to this group and my MIL is BPD. I've been married for 5

> years and we've finally broke ties with her because we can't seem to manage

> a relationship with her at all. We have kids and we need to protect them

> from her.

> > > >

> > > > The issue now is: since we have stopped talking to her, she's worked

> her lies into other siblings of the family and turned them against us. Her

> husband won't talk to us anymore as well - which is sad because he has

> cancer and we don't know how long he has left. He has never been able to

> assert himself with her. We've made it clear that we'd like to discuss the

> issues at hand, but no one will respond. Instead they play victim and ignore

> our suggestions to address the issue and talk things out.

> > > >

> > > > I think my sister-in-law is BPD as well.

> > > > Last week I found a gift wrapped in black paper on my front doorstep.

> It was a Birthday present to my son (his birthday was 6 months ago). The

> card had all of these passive aggressive statements about how she wished she

> could see him (we've never said that she couldn't, and he was on the other

> side of the door when she left the gift. She could have knocked and come

> in). She is playing the guilt game as well.

> > > >

> > > > My brother-in-law committed suicide this last year. No doubt because

> of being raised by a woman that constantly belittled him and broke him down.

> She pushed him right up to the edge and he jumped. I sort of feel like it

> was empowering to her to have that much control over him - enough control to

> cause him to kill himself. He committed suicide on mother's day. She somehow

> came out of the deal preaching that he was the best son ever, and that she

> was the best mother. Months before, when he was alive, she only talked about

> what a disappointment he had always been to her.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother? I love

> it so far, but don't really feel like it's teaching me enough techniques to

> help me not get emotional about the situation.

> > > >

> > > > I need help trying to support my husband because he was raised by

> her. What is your advise for me, the spouse? Right now we aren't talking to

> the mom, dad, and both sisters. The Holidays are coming up and I'm dreading

> the gifts with strings, mass Christmas letters with lies to family and

> friends, and guilt games about not seeing the family around the Holidays.

> Any advice there either? It sounds like y'all have way more experience with

> this then I do.

> > > >

> > > > Meg

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>