going through nada's stuff

[Guest guest]

I am staying in my mom's town to arrange the service and other stuff - I'm

executor of her estate - but mostly to be here for my brother. It has been

really good to have time with him and am grateful to be able to do things

like go to the mortuary and attorney together. We both are having a hard

time in our own way. I'm not nearly as emotional as I was a the day she

died, but I am still really having trouble sleeping and seem to sleep less

each night rather than more. And he has suffered from anxiety and panic

attacks most of his adult life and tells me that it has been worse these

past days. We have not been able to take care of that much stuff because it

is the weekend, so some of it is that we just have not been that busy and I

think being busy right now could be helpful even though it would only be

temporary. When Monday morning hits we will have plenty to do though.

I have been staying at nada's house. My brother keeps asking me if I want to

come to his house as he really would not to stay here. But different things

bother different people and it really does not bother me to stay her. Not

surprisingly I am finding that the terror and anxiety I had come to

associate with her home town and her house simply is not there any more. So,

if anything I am more able to be here than I ever was in her lifetime.

I have begun to go through some of her things - paperwork in particular

since I will need to settle the estate. And I have found several things that

are simply crazy - and just remind me how truly nuts and really tortured she

was. I saw and was the recipient of so many outward signs and manifestations

of her mental illness, but it is striking and a bit scary and a little sad

to get a small glimpse into how her mental illness played out in her mind

and world. She has all these copies of apology cards and notes that she has

written to different people over time - all of which were clearly meant to

manipulate. The fact that she copied them before she sent them and kept them

is a little crazy to me in an of itself.

She also has files on things she was investigating that she was suspicious

about that her children were involved in. In one case, she had a Private

Investigator and the FBI and deprogramming groups and many others contacted

and involved because she was convinced I was being sucked into a cult (the

reality was that I had joined a well known and reputable ministry in

Southern California for a few years). She has a huge file on this and

obviously devoted many hours to it - it is truly crazy and far off the deep

end given what was actually happening. Finding it reminded me that a few

years ago she told me about finding this file and although I never saw it

she described her efforts to make sure I was safe and concluded " I hope you

see how much I loved you. " In her warped and crazy view of the world - this

was showing love to her child. As opposed to loving her child by asking her

about what she was doing and trusting that her daughter was a competent

adult that could make could decisions.

Anyway, thanks for all the care and support from this group. I've been

really grateful for it.