Siblings---fleas vs actual disorder question

[Guest guest]

Sorry,folks,I'm not feeling very articulate about this,so if you could bear with

me...

Do any of you have a sibling you believe to be actually personality

disordered and not just flea ridden? If that isn't based on a professional

diagnosis,what is it or was it that sort of clinched the deal for you that your

sibling has a personality disorder rather than fleas?

I've suspected for a while now that my brother is as Cluster B as our

parents but it's more of a gut feeling that doesn't go away even when I reason

to myself that he had PD behavior modelled to him and as the " all good " didn't

and doesn't have the same motivation as I did/do as the " all bad " to acknowledge

that there is something wrong in our FOO.Even though I can see how our parents

also appropriated *his* soul/self--as far as I can tell,he has yet to really

notice or know this.

Although I'm NC with him I've continued to hold out the (probably

slim) hope that one day we could possibly reconcile in truth about our

parents.Right now he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with our parents.He

particularly idealizes nada.He's forty one.He views me the same exact way nada

did when we were growing up: as selfish and evil.He doesn't trust me one iota.

But he has also used me the same way our parents did--for example,he's

a musician and a few years ago I passed his CD to a friend (closer to an

acquaintance really,not a close close friend) whose husband manages a large

concert venue and he liked it so much he invited my brother to participate in a

festival there.Which I found out when my friend mentioned it to me one day when

we ran into eachother,which was quite embarassing because at first I had no idea

what she was talking about while she was assuming I knew my brother was on the

bill.This was before I went NC and at a time when I was doing errands for our

parents and visiting with them,being a " good daughter " .He knew damn well he'd

gotten that gig because I was the one who gave his CD to a musical director but

he never bothered to call me to let me know he was playing that festival--I

mean,just to tell me the good news,let alone invite me to come see him

perform.Also,I had hooked him up with someone who does a radio show that is

broadcast nationally and he got on the show and was invited back several

times--to hear him talk about his participation on that radio show,you'd think

he'd made that contact himself.Sometimes I have even wondered if that is how

he's rewritten it in his own mind.He has never once acknowledged my effort on

his behalf,it's as if I did nothing.He has a website for his songs--back when I

was trying to help him and promote him I got some people who genuinely liked his

music to write in positive comments/reviews on his website.He took those

particular comments off,erased them right off the website,even though they were

linked to reviews of his CD on Amazon.

There's a pattern of this kind of behavior stretching all the way

back to when we were kids--he betrayed me often but wasn't what I'd call a

habitual bully and at one point in our early teens we actually became friends

and would hang out together.And more of a pattern once we were adults,with him

being more of a bully emotionally.But could that be fleas? How can you tell the

difference between fleas and PD when it's someone else and not you?

He's married to a woman who has many narcissistic traits and is

quite the Queen.She also disdains me.One year at Xmas she gave me a bottle of

not very good wine as if it was a gift she had selected just for me (so I

pretended to be pleased) then at the next Thanksgiving brought the same not very

good wine to the dinner with: " We still have a whole case of this cheap plonk in

the cellar,we just can't seem to get rid of it... " Ouch.It had been given to

them--she had given me a recycled " gift " .And apparently forgot since she said

that right in front of me.My brother idealizes her just like he does with nada.

He also has lied to me right through his teeth on several occasions

and is obsessed,I mean obsessed,with impressing other people.Even people he'll

likely never see again,such as sales clerks in stores.Fada loved to tell the

story of how when my brother took him to buy a computer (about three years

ago),he put one of his own CDs into the sound system and had his music playing

across the whole store and how,in fada's telling of the tale,the salesman was

totally wowed.When fada was in the hospital and later in the hospice my brother

spent more time chatting with and sort of " seducing " every passing nurse and

even the aides than he did talking to fada but that was ok because it gave fada

a thrill to see how much " everyone " just " loved " my brother.My brother who might

smile charmingly and throw out some light hearted chit chat at a nurse going by

then turn on a dime to glower over at me.A couple of years earlier when fada had

had open heart surgery my brother threatened to kill me because he was angry I

brought my dog along with me to fada's house to collect some mail for him when

he was in the hospital and he saw me sitting watching tv for a moment with her

to relax after I'd been at the hospital for hours.Stopping home to get my dog

and sitting down to watch tv meant,to him,that I only cared about myself.When he

made a sarcastic comment in that vein and I asked him what his problem was,he

said, " I should kill you right now,I swear to god I'll kill you right now if you

say anything else. " He meant it,too,like if he could get away with it,he

would.That is just like nada.Ever since then I have avoided,as much as I

can,ever being alone with him.

Oh anyway thanks for letting me rant.This has been bothering me alot

all week.I'm not sure why.I think it's something I need to come to terms with

and haven't yet,that most probably I'm never going to have a brother,either,just

like I never had parents.

If anyone would like to share from their own experience of how they

differentiated sibling fleas from sibling PD,I'd appreciate your feedback.Or how

you set the criteria for keeping your distance,if you do,even if you're not

entirely sure your sibling is a hopeless PD case.I think my hope for possible

reconciliation is clouding my judgment here,plus in my heart he's still my

little brother and I want to see him as more sickened than outright sick.

At any rate,thanks for letting me vent