Can anybody read a short scene from a novel in progress?

[Guest guest]

In this scene (which I need to edit to insert some handgun tecchie kind of

stuff), my police detective Robin, who is a KO but doesn't know it, is

hearing about BPD behavior while interviewing a witness in a case he's working

on.

I just want to know if the BPD rage episode described sounds realistic or not.

Thanks, if anyone has time to read.

--.

caught up with Crawford, Donna Trenton's auto mechanic

ex-boyfriend, at his job at sburg Muffler and Auto Repair. The grizzled

old walrus behind the counter—probably the owner—steered outdoors to a

corner of the building as soon as he showed his badge and told him who he was

looking for, whisking any scent of trouble with the law out of the lobby. A

couple of bored-looking housewife types and a mustached man in jeans, riffling

through newspapers to the blare of Fox News, all craned their necks and stared

after them anyway.

" Walrus " waddled over to a red Pontiac and hollered underneath it. A grubby

young man, mid-twenties, with shoulder-length wheat-blond fuzz tied back in a

ponytail rolled himself out from under and stood up. As the boss talked in his

ear, he wiped his grimy hands on a rag, casting little glances up at the

entire time, moving only his eyes and not his whole head. Thick black auto

grease smeared his navy coverall and work boots.

He almost sidled his way over rather than walked, as if were a poisonous

snake. He started to reach out for a handshake, then pulled his hand back.

" I'm Crawford. What's this about? "

showed his badge, wondering whether Tyler Trenton's assessment of him

hadn't been the right one. That would be something for sburg PD to sort

out if Crawford ever gave them an excuse. " Detective Robin, Richmond

Police, " he said. " I understand you used to date Donna Trenton? "

The man's head dipped up and down once at the name. " Yes, sir. This about her

old man? "

The question ended with a hopeful uptick that made 's brain jump ahead to

the possible unsaid ending: …and not about me?

He decided to see what the guy might be able to spill. " Actually it is. How

well do you know Dr. Trenton? "

" Well enough to know the guy is psycho. I didn't really want to get to know

him any better than that. "

slipped his badge away and pulled out his notebook and pen. " Really,

why's that? "

Crawford scratched the back of his neck. " Is this about a crime or something?

What did Tyler do? "

" I'm really not at liberty to discuss the case, " said . " But if you can

tell me what made you doubt Dr. Trenton's mental stability, it would be very

helpful. "

" If I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes, I never would have believed it, "

said Crawford, turning to lead around the corner, as if what he had to say

might be overheard even over the whirr of pneumatic wrenches and the click and

clank of tools.

He spread his hands in the age-old gesture: It's not my fault. " I didn't used

to believe Donna, because when I'd come over, he'd seem like a great guy. She'd

tell me stuff and I'd be like, 'What's your problem, saying stuff like that

about your old man?' 'Cause I just knew there was no way he'd yell at her all

the time and flip out and break dishes and stuff like she said. "

He fiddled with the front of his coveralls. " I mean, I got the vibe he didn't

think Donna should be dating an auto mechanic, and he thought she should've

stayed in school for her MBA, but… "

Crawford shrugged. " I guess any dad would think that. Especially some hot-shot

consultant who's traveling all over the world. But— " He put an arm up to lean

on the weathered bricks. " One day I go over there, and I notice Tyler out in

front of the place, at those iron picnic tables as I'm driving in. He's got his

hose in some engineering book that's this thick. " Crawford held his thumb and

forefinger up three inches apart.

" I didn't go around front. I go in and ride up, and Donna's up there in a

panic. She's been on the phone and hasn't cleared up last night's supper

dishes, and she's got to get the mess cleaned up before he comes back up. Only

she tells me he's lifting weights downstairs. 'I gotta get done before he comes

up. I gotta get done before he comes up. Can you load the dishwasher?' But

I've gotta take a dump, and when he comes upstairs I'm in the bathroom and he

doesn't know I'm in there.

" He just slams in the door— " Crawford illustrated with a wave of his hand— " and

his first words are, 'What have you done, nothing?' " Crawford bit the words out

in an evil snarl.

" And she goes, 'Well, Aunt Lilia called from California and she wanted to know

what the doctor said,' and he just went off on her.

" First he goes, 'I can't believe you're telling that witch our business!' and

then he goes, 'Did you tell her he said I might have to retire?' And she was

hemming and hawing and trying to get out of having to say yes, and then he

really goes off. "

Crawford leaned forward. " I'm standing there on the other side of the door with

my mouth hanging open. He's trying to guess what she told her aunt—'She said if

I hadn't bought the Bentley and cracked it up and then bought this place I

wouldn't have to worry about it, right?' And Donna's going, 'Dad, please calm

down,' and he's yelling, 'Yeah, you don't want to tell me what you said, right?'

" And then he goes, 'I can't trust you at all!' and he starts yelling at her

about all kinds of stuff. Stuff she told her mother about him when they got the

divorce, stuff from when she was in high school—he's even yelling at her about

breaking the dryer when she was four!

" I flushed the toilet and washed my hands hoping he'd hear it and stop 'cause

somebody was over. Instead he's out there screaming at her about quitting her

job and about her weight, and about how her and her dog were just mooching off

him— "

interrupted him. " Donna Trenton has a dog? I've been up there a couple of

times. I didn't see any dog. "

Crawford's mouth twisted. " Yeah, that's because he's my dog now. I couldn't

believe it! All of a sudden Donna starts screaming, and I walk out there, and

he's got Webster under the elbows like this— " Crawford demonstrated, holding his

hands out in front of him as if he were dangling a baby or a small doll. " Out

on the balcony, over a six story building! "

blinked. Crawford continued, making twisting motions as if he were driving

a racecar on a winding speedway. " And Webster's wriggling, trying to get loose,

and Donna's crying, 'Daddy, please don't drop my dog!'

" I ran out there and grabbed the dog out of his hands— " Crawford demonstrated

with a double-fisted swipe " —and I'm not sorry to say I punched him one. And

then me and him got into it after that. Tyler, you could tell he was

embarrassed. He got all red in the face. I'm like, 'What the XXXX's the matter

with you? No wonder she's always walking on eggshells around you all the time,

worrying about what the XXXX you're gonna do! And taking it out on a little

dog? I could call the police on you, man!' And he's red in the face, and all

puffed up— " Crawford pulled himself up to his full height, working his shoulders

back and forth as if he were wearing football pads.

" He goes, 'This is between my daughter and me. Get out of my house!' So she

grabbed Webster and we left. We had to stop at K Mart for some cheap clothes.

Donna didn't even take any clothes with her. She didn't go back for two days.

I didn't want her to go back at all, but she was worried about him. Said he'd

do things like turn the oven on and forget about it, or shave with a plug-in

electric razor in the bathtub, and she was afraid he'd hurt himself. "

zeroed in on the target. " Let me ask you about firearms. You shoot,

right? "

Crawford nodded. " Pistol matches. Some friends and I hunt deer in season. "

" Did Dr. Trenton ever shoot with you? " asked, pen at the ready.

" No. "

" Did Donna? "

" She went with me a couple of times. I don't know why, 'cause she didn't seem

to really want to shoot that much. " Crawford scuffed the toe of his work boot

on the blacktop. " I got her to shoot a couple of times, but she acted like she

was afraid of it. "

He rolled his eyes. " Mostly she'd watch me shoot and help me out, cleaning up

afterwards and stuff. "

gave him a smile, pretending to just make conversation now. " So what do

you shoot? "

" I hunt with a (Bob—need help!). I shoot targets with a (Bob—need more help!). "

" (Seems like some comment about the weapons would be nice. Need more help!!)

What brand of rounds do you use? "

(Need a name.)

" Always? "

" Always. "

Bingo. Easy enough for Donna to gather a few casings while she was sweeping up

after Crawford.

jotted notes. " She load your gun for you? "

" Yeah, I showed her how to load it. " Crawford's eyes widened. " What, is Donna

in some kind of trouble? What'd she do? "

slapped the Joe Friday face on. " Just a few more questions, Mr. Crawford.

Did you two ever discuss how to make dummy rounds? "

" You know, we sort of did once. I didn't really know exactly how, but she did

ask one time, if there was a way to load rounds that you knew wouldn't fire. I

told her you could use old casings. She could have looked it up on the

internet. "

Crawford might actually be involved in something illegal, but was pretty

sure now it wasn't the Trenton case. " She ever say why she wanted to know? "

" No, she was just asking stuff about guns, and it was just sort of a 'gee, whiz'

kind of thing. "

" Thank you, Mr. Crawford. " snapped his notebook shut. " We appreciate the

help. " He held out his hand and Crawford put his out; then, seeing the grease

still smudging his fingers, he pulled his hand back. " Eh, maybe not, man. It's

gonna take industrial strength cleaner to get this off. "

laughed and turned away. Then, on a whim, he turned back. " Say, why did

you and Donna break up, anyway? "

Crawford glanced down at the blacktop. " Well, like I said, her old man's a real

head case. Plus… " Crawford looked up, and his gaze focused somewhere over

's right shoulder. " My old girlfriend, you know, she dumped me for some

prick, and then he dumped her, so… " He shrugged. " Me and Donna, we were just

hanging out. Kicking it. "

" Yeah, " said .

" That's right there, just coming in to work. " Crawford pointed over

's shoulder. " She works here part time, up front. "

turned just in time to peer around the corner and see a perfect behind in a

pair of painted-on jeans disappear through the front door into the lobby.

Beachy blonde waves almost touched the girl's belt.

" Yeah, " said . " Kicking it. "

[Guest guest]

Hi.

I'm really sorry if these posts are annoying to anyone. If it is incorrect to

post things like this up here, someone please let me know and I will stop.

But I did want to bump this up, in case someone did have time and could read. I

don't want to reach the end of this and then find out I didn't do enough

research, or that opinions from other KO's would have really helped it out.

If anyone can read, it's deeply, deeply appreciated.

Thanks.

--.

[Guest guest]

Yes, me, I'll read it. No, its great to ask. I'm very interested.

>

>

> Hi.

>

> I'm really sorry if these posts are annoying to anyone. If it is incorrect

> to post things like this up here, someone please let me know and I will

> stop.

>

> But I did want to bump this up, in case someone did have time and could

> read. I don't want to reach the end of this and then find out I didn't do

> enough research, or that opinions from other KO's would have really helped

> it out.

>

> If anyone can read, it's deeply, deeply appreciated.

>

> Thanks.

>

> --.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,I'm sorry I wasn't able earlier to give feedback on the rage episode in

this scene.I've been feeling emotionally shattered/scattered this week.

Anyway--yes,I think in this scene you've got Trenton going into a very

typical rage " zone out " when he doesn't even hear the sounds from the bathroom

because he's screaming and even when Crawford comes out it's like he barely

notices.Plus holding the dog over the balcony is consistent with a BPD rage zone

out.Maybe mention the look in his eyes? Don't BPDs get a glazed over look in

their eyes when they do things like almost kill a pet or a person? Or some

bizarre expression in their eyes?

The only thing in that part of the scene that wasn't clear to me

reading it is when Crawford says that he and Trenton " got into it after that "

because I can't tell exactly what he and Trenton did or if he was trying to

subdue Trenton other than with what he was saying to him.

I think the raging is on target and realistic,like how Trenton brings

up ancient history to emotionally batter Donna.And how she can't say anything

that doesn't further enrage him.Plus using her dog to " punish " her as he gets

more and more out of control.I think the entire episode sounds true to life.

>

> In this scene (which I need to edit to insert some handgun tecchie kind of

stuff), my police detective Robin, who is a KO but doesn't know it, is

hearing about BPD behavior while interviewing a witness in a case he's working

on.

>

> I just want to know if the BPD rage episode described sounds realistic or not.

Thanks, if anyone has time to read.

>

> --.

>

>

>

>

> caught up with Crawford, Donna Trenton's auto mechanic

ex-boyfriend, at his job at sburg Muffler and Auto Repair. The grizzled

old walrus behind the counter—probably the owner—steered outdoors to a

corner of the building as soon as he showed his badge and told him who he was

looking for, whisking any scent of trouble with the law out of the lobby. A

couple of bored-looking housewife types and a mustached man in jeans, riffling

through newspapers to the blare of Fox News, all craned their necks and stared

after them anyway.

>

> " Walrus " waddled over to a red Pontiac and hollered underneath it. A grubby

young man, mid-twenties, with shoulder-length wheat-blond fuzz tied back in a

ponytail rolled himself out from under and stood up. As the boss talked in his

ear, he wiped his grimy hands on a rag, casting little glances up at the

entire time, moving only his eyes and not his whole head. Thick black auto

grease smeared his navy coverall and work boots.

>

> He almost sidled his way over rather than walked, as if were a poisonous

snake. He started to reach out for a handshake, then pulled his hand back.

" I'm Crawford. What's this about? "

>

> showed his badge, wondering whether Tyler Trenton's assessment of him

hadn't been the right one. That would be something for sburg PD to sort

out if Crawford ever gave them an excuse. " Detective Robin, Richmond

Police, " he said. " I understand you used to date Donna Trenton? "

>

> The man's head dipped up and down once at the name. " Yes, sir. This about

her old man? "

>

> The question ended with a hopeful uptick that made 's brain jump ahead to

the possible unsaid ending: …and not about me?

>

> He decided to see what the guy might be able to spill. " Actually it is. How

well do you know Dr. Trenton? "

>

> " Well enough to know the guy is psycho. I didn't really want to get to know

him any better than that. "

>

> slipped his badge away and pulled out his notebook and pen. " Really,

why's that? "

>

> Crawford scratched the back of his neck. " Is this about a crime or

something? What did Tyler do? "

>

> " I'm really not at liberty to discuss the case, " said . " But if you can

tell me what made you doubt Dr. Trenton's mental stability, it would be very

helpful. "

>

> " If I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes, I never would have believed it, "

said Crawford, turning to lead around the corner, as if what he had to say

might be overheard even over the whirr of pneumatic wrenches and the click and

clank of tools.

>

> He spread his hands in the age-old gesture: It's not my fault. " I didn't

used to believe Donna, because when I'd come over, he'd seem like a great guy.

She'd tell me stuff and I'd be like, 'What's your problem, saying stuff like

that about your old man?' 'Cause I just knew there was no way he'd yell at her

all the time and flip out and break dishes and stuff like she said. "

>

> He fiddled with the front of his coveralls. " I mean, I got the vibe he

didn't think Donna should be dating an auto mechanic, and he thought she

should've stayed in school for her MBA, but… "

> Crawford shrugged. " I guess any dad would think that. Especially some

hot-shot consultant who's traveling all over the world. But— " He put an arm up

to lean on the weathered bricks. " One day I go over there, and I notice Tyler

out in front of the place, at those iron picnic tables as I'm driving in. He's

got his hose in some engineering book that's this thick. " Crawford held his

thumb and forefinger up three inches apart.

>

> " I didn't go around front. I go in and ride up, and Donna's up there in a

panic. She's been on the phone and hasn't cleared up last night's supper

dishes, and she's got to get the mess cleaned up before he comes back up. Only

she tells me he's lifting weights downstairs. 'I gotta get done before he comes

up. I gotta get done before he comes up. Can you load the dishwasher?' But

I've gotta take a dump, and when he comes upstairs I'm in the bathroom and he

doesn't know I'm in there.

>

> " He just slams in the door— " Crawford illustrated with a wave of his hand— " and

his first words are, 'What have you done, nothing?' " Crawford bit the words out

in an evil snarl.

>

> " And she goes, 'Well, Aunt Lilia called from California and she wanted to know

what the doctor said,' and he just went off on her.

>

> " First he goes, 'I can't believe you're telling that witch our business!' and

then he goes, 'Did you tell her he said I might have to retire?' And she was

hemming and hawing and trying to get out of having to say yes, and then he

really goes off. "

>

> Crawford leaned forward. " I'm standing there on the other side of the door

with my mouth hanging open. He's trying to guess what she told her aunt—'She

said if I hadn't bought the Bentley and cracked it up and then bought this place

I wouldn't have to worry about it, right?' And Donna's going, 'Dad, please calm

down,' and he's yelling, 'Yeah, you don't want to tell me what you said, right?'

> " And then he goes, 'I can't trust you at all!' and he starts yelling at her

about all kinds of stuff. Stuff she told her mother about him when they got the

divorce, stuff from when she was in high school—he's even yelling at her about

breaking the dryer when she was four!

>

> " I flushed the toilet and washed my hands hoping he'd hear it and stop 'cause

somebody was over. Instead he's out there screaming at her about quitting her

job and about her weight, and about how her and her dog were just mooching off

him— "

>

> interrupted him. " Donna Trenton has a dog? I've been up there a couple

of times. I didn't see any dog. "

>

> Crawford's mouth twisted. " Yeah, that's because he's my dog now. I couldn't

believe it! All of a sudden Donna starts screaming, and I walk out there, and

he's got Webster under the elbows like this— " Crawford demonstrated, holding his

hands out in front of him as if he were dangling a baby or a small doll. " Out

on the balcony, over a six story building! "

>

> blinked. Crawford continued, making twisting motions as if he were

driving a racecar on a winding speedway. " And Webster's wriggling, trying to

get loose, and Donna's crying, 'Daddy, please don't drop my dog!'

>

> " I ran out there and grabbed the dog out of his hands— " Crawford demonstrated

with a double-fisted swipe " —and I'm not sorry to say I punched him one. And

then me and him got into it after that. Tyler, you could tell he was

embarrassed. He got all red in the face. I'm like, 'What the XXXX's the matter

with you? No wonder she's always walking on eggshells around you all the time,

worrying about what the XXXX you're gonna do! And taking it out on a little

dog? I could call the police on you, man!' And he's red in the face, and all

puffed up— " Crawford pulled himself up to his full height, working his shoulders

back and forth as if he were wearing football pads.

>

> " He goes, 'This is between my daughter and me. Get out of my house!' So she

grabbed Webster and we left. We had to stop at K Mart for some cheap clothes.

Donna didn't even take any clothes with her. She didn't go back for two days.

I didn't want her to go back at all, but she was worried about him. Said he'd

do things like turn the oven on and forget about it, or shave with a plug-in

electric razor in the bathtub, and she was afraid he'd hurt himself. "

>

> zeroed in on the target. " Let me ask you about firearms. You shoot,

right? "

>

> Crawford nodded. " Pistol matches. Some friends and I hunt deer in season. "

>

> " Did Dr. Trenton ever shoot with you? " asked, pen at the ready.

>

> " No. "

>

> " Did Donna? "

>

> " She went with me a couple of times. I don't know why, 'cause she didn't seem

to really want to shoot that much. " Crawford scuffed the toe of his work boot

on the blacktop. " I got her to shoot a couple of times, but she acted like she

was afraid of it. "

>

> He rolled his eyes. " Mostly she'd watch me shoot and help me out, cleaning up

afterwards and stuff. "

>

> gave him a smile, pretending to just make conversation now. " So what do

you shoot? "

>

> " I hunt with a (Bob—need help!). I shoot targets with a (Bob—need more

help!). "

>

> " (Seems like some comment about the weapons would be nice. Need more help!!)

What brand of rounds do you use? "

>

> (Need a name.)

>

> " Always? "

>

> " Always. "

>

> Bingo. Easy enough for Donna to gather a few casings while she was sweeping

up after Crawford.

>

> jotted notes. " She load your gun for you? "

>

> " Yeah, I showed her how to load it. " Crawford's eyes widened. " What, is

Donna in some kind of trouble? What'd she do? "

>

> slapped the Joe Friday face on. " Just a few more questions, Mr.

Crawford. Did you two ever discuss how to make dummy rounds? "

>

> " You know, we sort of did once. I didn't really know exactly how, but she did

ask one time, if there was a way to load rounds that you knew wouldn't fire. I

told her you could use old casings. She could have looked it up on the

internet. "

>

> Crawford might actually be involved in something illegal, but was pretty

sure now it wasn't the Trenton case. " She ever say why she wanted to know? "

>

> " No, she was just asking stuff about guns, and it was just sort of a 'gee,

whiz' kind of thing. "

>

> " Thank you, Mr. Crawford. " snapped his notebook shut. " We appreciate

the help. " He held out his hand and Crawford put his out; then, seeing the

grease still smudging his fingers, he pulled his hand back. " Eh, maybe not,

man. It's gonna take industrial strength cleaner to get this off. "

>

> laughed and turned away. Then, on a whim, he turned back. " Say, why did

you and Donna break up, anyway? "

>

> Crawford glanced down at the blacktop. " Well, like I said, her old man's a

real head case. Plus… " Crawford looked up, and his gaze focused somewhere over

's right shoulder. " My old girlfriend, you know, she dumped me for some

prick, and then he dumped her, so… " He shrugged. " Me and Donna, we were just

hanging out. Kicking it. "

>

> " Yeah, " said .

>

> " That's right there, just coming in to work. " Crawford pointed over

's shoulder. " She works here part time, up front. "

>

> turned just in time to peer around the corner and see a perfect behind in

a pair of painted-on jeans disappear through the front door into the lobby.

Beachy blonde waves almost touched the girl's belt.

>

> " Yeah, " said . " Kicking it. "

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, thanks!! I really, really appreciate the help.

I have a detective, a cop, a model, a modeling agent, and a psychologist I can

ask for facts about their jobs, but when it comes to being a KO...you guys are

the experts.

--.

[Guest guest]

Thank you!!! I hope you feel better!

--LL.