Hello and some random thoughts...

[Guest guest]

Dear friends,

I've been absent from these pages for a while because I've needed some time out

from all of this. Even though it's been well needed time out, I often find

myself wondering how everyone is doing. I feel so grateful to have found this

site and wanted to thank everyone for their encouragement, support and advice,

particularly during the last " incident " when mother came and pulled out pot

plants and threw them across my yard, denied that she had done it and then

called and messaged my house until 2 in the morning.

I had a few obscure messages after the event and then nothing for a couple of

weeks, so I guess I'm N.C for real. It's quite strange, a few months ago when I

found this site, I wouldn't have dreamed that I would be here. I never imagined

the possibility of not having her in my life.

I feel really strange about it. Mostly it feels good and I am utterly relieved.

Well mostly...

I also feel really numb and detached, which alarms me somewhat. I am scared of

emotions lurking beneath the surface. I have moments of massive self doubt,

where I wonder if I have done the wrong thing. Am I the selfish, self obsessed

person she says I am etc. etc.

I also have real trouble recalling things that she has said/done over the years.

Does anyone else have that same experience? I think it has been my coping

mechanism (maybe it really is for the best ha, ha!).

I recently had yet another experience of trying to explain my situation to a

psychologist and I was really vague on the detail and at the end of the session

I felt like I came across as a petty brat who had had a fight with my parent and

couldn't find it in my heart to forgive her.

This vagueness makes it really hard to stay resolute in my thinking at times. I

start to wonder if I have over-reacted. I also think this sometimes when I read

other posts on here, by people who really did have a much harder time than I

ever did and I start to feel like I'm just being a drama queen.

I know this not to be the case really. I have friends and family who constantly

affirm that her behaviour is utterly crazy. Also, she was the one who said I was

divorced after every kind of effort on my part to keep seeing her after she had

her horrible outbursts.

It was like she kept testing me to see how much I would put up with. Like a test

of my love for her. Like she is a seven year old child. Sigh. It's so draining.

So all of the old confusions and emotions are there, but I'm not really feeling

them as acutely as I did in the past. I don't know if it's utter denial or

perhaps I have moved on in my journey and finally realise that I can't fix her

and that I'm not willing to be treated like it any more.

Whatever the case, I'm just trying to get on with things and enjoy life with my

partner and baby. It feels really good and liberating on the one hand(mainly

because I am facing up to the reality of our relationship and I am not enmeshed

in denial and making excuses for her any more), but on the other it's a constant

effort to stay on top of it cause it's always there at the back of my mind-

questioning, worry, self doubt, sadness and anxiety about the future.

For instance, I find myself getting jumpy when I get a text message and I'm

already starting to panic about the Christmas period looming. That's a serious

trigger for her and to make it even more fought with the prospect of crazy,

she's not talking to any of her five siblings.

Well, I'm not really sure what my aim was with this post. I guess I just wanted

to touch base, say hi and thank you all very, very much:)

Oh, and of course get some stuff off my chest, most of which I didn't even know

was there

I hope this finds you all in strength and peace.

With warmth,

Lynda

P.S

Does anyone else's Nada/Fada use their full name to refer to themselves?

Mine always addressed herself with her full name, including her middle name when

she left messages on the answering machine- like she was saying " so there! " or

was trying to prove that she really did exist!