Re: Did you BPD parent do this?

October 13, 2010

ly, I can't imagine that another adult (a mentally healthy one) would

listen to such hateful, venomous bilge over the phone for more than a few

moments.

Do you suppose your mother was just pretending that another person was listening

at the other end of the line; that she just wanted you to think she was on a

call for the purpose of humiliating you?

What a cruel thing to do to your own child; that's the same as public

humiliation to denigrate you and shame you to other people while you are right

there hearing it. That's just sadistic. (You'd have no way of knowing if she

was really speaking to someone or not, you were just a kid.)

Behavior like that just reinforces my gut feeling that some nadas do not love

their children. What your nada did does not have anything to do with love.

Those behaviors demonstrate resentment, hostility, perhaps jealousy, or hate,

.... NOT love.

I'm so sorry you had to experience such treatment, repeatedly. I wish some

caring adult had rescued you from that; its basically psychological torture: a

form of bullying. Jeez, Louise. How is a kid supposed to survive being bullied

by her own mother? YOu must have a core of steel.

-Annie

>

> Am I alone in this?

>

> My nada used to get on the phone and talk to neighbors, other relatives, or my

father and talk bad about me. Especially if I had done something wrong or

" weird. " She would do it in front of me and the conversation would be very mean

with her using words about like I was " weird " and had " brain damage " and she

" didn't know what to do with such a bad child. " Then she'd get off the phone

and say things like, " Are you happy that MY friend think you're weird? Do you

like that people think you're idiot. " And sometimes it would go on for hours and

hours and hours.

>

October 13, 2010

Hi Annie,

As I remember it, my mother mostly did it with relatives and my father and yes,

they were on the other end. My grandmother was a raging QUEEN Borderline and my

mother was her grand product. My grandmother would then say things to me when I

was around her. I was especially known in my family as a " brat " and my mother

would constantly brag in front of people that I was spoiled rotten (gag). My

aunt has recently admitted to me that it " bothered " her and even said she would

" get onto my mother " about talking bad about me. Sometimes my mother would make

it real dramatic and say things like, " I have to tell you what I am enduring

over here, " making sure I heard her and then run into the bedroom to talk in

private. Other times she would be just as dramatic and not care I was hearing.

Her favorite story to tell (which my father now admits is a lie) was that when I

was born (I was a month preemie), I went " 11 minutes without breathing. "

Anytime I did something that was even something a normal kid would do, she would

go into hysterical fits calling people and saying, " Oh My God, this is it! The

11 minutes of not breathing ARE FINALLY SHOWING UP! " Usually she followed it

with tears and begging whoever she was talking to to " help her " and " tell her

what to do. " And how she just couldn't take it and her stress was through the

roof and this was sending her into a depression. Which generally led to her

threatening suicide.

Her favorite was:

" are you happy that my friends think you're (fill in the blank with nuts, weird,

crazy, stupid, etc...)?! "

She would also go into long rants about how my behavior was so odd and why can't

I be like so-and-so down the street? How she didn't ask for a kid like me and

where could she send me back to. Then she would say things like, " Do I need to

go talk to your teacher? " Until I was a nervous wreck all the time that she was

going to show up at school and embarrass the hell out of me.

Re: Did you BPD parent do this?

ly, I can't imagine that another adult (a mentally healthy one) would

listen to such hateful, venomous bilge over the phone for more than a few

moments.

Do you suppose your mother was just pretending that another person was listening

at the other end of the line; that she just wanted you to think she was on a

call for the purpose of humiliating you?

What a cruel thing to do to your own child; that's the same as public

humiliation to denigrate you and shame you to other people while you are right

there hearing it. That's just sadistic. (You'd have no way of knowing if she was

really speaking to someone or not, you were just a kid.)

Behavior like that just reinforces my gut feeling that some nadas do not love

their children. What your nada did does not have anything to do with love. Those

behaviors demonstrate resentment, hostility, perhaps jealousy, or hate, ... NOT

love.

I'm so sorry you had to experience such treatment, repeatedly. I wish some

caring adult had rescued you from that; its basically psychological torture: a

form of bullying. Jeez, Louise. How is a kid supposed to survive being bullied

by her own mother? YOu must have a core of steel.

-Annie

>

> Am I alone in this?

>

> My nada used to get on the phone and talk to neighbors, other relatives, or my

father and talk bad about me. Especially if I had done something wrong or

" weird. " She would do it in front of me and the conversation would be very mean

with her using words about like I was " weird " and had " brain damage " and she

" didn't know what to do with such a bad child. " Then she'd get off the phone and

say things like, " Are you happy that MY friend think you're weird? Do you like

that people think you're idiot. " And sometimes it would go on for hours and

hours and hours.

>

October 13, 2010

Yes ma'am, sure did. i was something to be endured. her audience was the

other ladies at the church. Often, they would come and try to talk to me

about being a better daughter after church services.

Did I mention, I was an A student, quiet, shy, etc. . . and lived in pretty

much constant terror. Dude!!!!! I think they are all bitches. My T says that

I should consider the culture and everything, but I hate every single one of

those women!!!! Oh, let me put it on the therapy list.

>

> Hi Annie,

>

> As I remember it, my mother mostly did it with relatives and my father and

> yes, they were on the other end. My grandmother was a raging QUEEN

> Borderline and my mother was her grand product. My grandmother would then

> say things to me when I was around her. I was especially known in my family

> as a " brat " and my mother would constantly brag in front of people that I

> was spoiled rotten (gag). My aunt has recently admitted to me that it

> " bothered " her and even said she would " get onto my mother " about talking

> bad about me. Sometimes my mother would make it real dramatic and say things

> like, " I have to tell you what I am enduring over here, " making sure I heard

> her and then run into the bedroom to talk in private. Other times she would

> be just as dramatic and not care I was hearing. Her favorite story to tell

> (which my father now admits is a lie) was that when I was born (I was a

> month preemie), I went " 11 minutes without breathing. " Anytime I did

> something that was even something a normal kid would do, she would go into

> hysterical fits calling people and saying, " Oh My God, this is it! The 11

> minutes of not breathing ARE FINALLY SHOWING UP! " Usually she followed it

> with tears and begging whoever she was talking to to " help her " and " tell

> her what to do. " And how she just couldn't take it and her stress was

> through the roof and this was sending her into a depression. Which generally

> led to her threatening suicide.

>

> Her favorite was:

> " are you happy that my friends think you're (fill in the blank with nuts,

> weird, crazy, stupid, etc...)?! "

>

> She would also go into long rants about how my behavior was so odd and why

> can't I be like so-and-so down the street? How she didn't ask for a kid like

> me and where could she send me back to. Then she would say things like, " Do

> I need to go talk to your teacher? " Until I was a nervous wreck all the time

> that she was going to show up at school and embarrass the hell out of me.

>

> Re: Did you BPD parent do this?

>

> ly, I can't imagine that another adult (a mentally healthy one) would

> listen to such hateful, venomous bilge over the phone for more than a few

> moments.

>

> Do you suppose your mother was just pretending that another person was

> listening at the other end of the line; that she just wanted you to think

> she was on a call for the purpose of humiliating you?

>

> What a cruel thing to do to your own child; that's the same as public

> humiliation to denigrate you and shame you to other people while you are

> right there hearing it. That's just sadistic. (You'd have no way of knowing

> if she was really speaking to someone or not, you were just a kid.)

>

> Behavior like that just reinforces my gut feeling that some nadas do not

> love their children. What your nada did does not have anything to do with

> love. Those behaviors demonstrate resentment, hostility, perhaps jealousy,

> or hate, ... NOT love.

>

> I'm so sorry you had to experience such treatment, repeatedly. I wish some

> caring adult had rescued you from that; its basically psychological torture:

> a form of bullying. Jeez, Louise. How is a kid supposed to survive being

> bullied by her own mother? YOu must have a core of steel.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > Am I alone in this?

> >

> > My nada used to get on the phone and talk to neighbors, other relatives,

> or my father and talk bad about me. Especially if I had done something wrong

> or " weird. " She would do it in front of me and the conversation would be

> very mean with her using words about like I was " weird " and had " brain

> damage " and she " didn't know what to do with such a bad child. " Then she'd

> get off the phone and say things like, " Are you happy that MY friend think

> you're weird? Do you like that people think you're idiot. " And sometimes it

> would go on for hours and hours and hours.

> >

October 13, 2010

My whole " family " does this, I don't have even one relative left who isn't sided

against me or trying to manipulate me... And how many times have I had the cops

called on me when I was in high school? Cops, doctors, counselors, church

members, family members, friends... Not to mention nada's dramatic acts of

really loud prayer where she asks for me to be healed and etc etc. Bleh, just

thinking about it makes me feel so upset I can't elaborate any more :/ I wish I

could just be rid of it all.

-Ran

>

> Am I alone in this?

>

> My nada used to get on the phone and talk to neighbors, other relatives, or my

father and talk bad about me. Especially if I had done something wrong or

" weird. " She would do it in front of me and the conversation would be very mean

with her using words about like I was " weird " and had " brain damage " and she

" didn't know what to do with such a bad child. " Then she'd get off the phone

and say things like, " Are you happy that MY friend think you're weird? Do you

like that people think you're idiot. " And sometimes it would go on for hours and

hours and hours.

>

October 13, 2010

You're not alone -

My nada said horrible stuff about me to her friends, to the rest of our very

small family -

My reaction as a child to her screaming, yelling, alcoholic rages, physical,

sexual and emotional abuse was to scream back, and occasionally to hit

back. And afterwards, it was weird, but I'd like forget the details of what

had happened - only that I felt sick and disgusted inside, and like the most

evil person in the world. And I'd wonder why at school and with my friends

I was always quiet, peaceful, good-natured and well-behaved. My nada - and

dishrag father - would tell me what an evil phony I was, and that how you

acted at home was how you REALLY were inside, and they would threaten

constantly to call my favorite teacher and/or good friends and/or the boy I

liked and/or anyone and everyone I liked and let them know what I was REALLY

like, and how if they knew, they would hate me. My parents would say WE'RE

the only ones who could and will ever love you, because we love you despite

your evilness, spoiled-ness, selfishness, stupidity, dishonesty ugliness,

etc. And I was so messed up and confused over what " love " meant because the

way they seemed to feel about me was NOT the way I felt about the teachers

or friends I adored. I don't know if they ever called any of the people

they threatened to call, but I was in constant fear that they would. I do

know my nada ranted and raged about me to my aunt, uncle and cousin, who I

loved, and they listened to her and believed her. I only have one family

member left - my cousin - who I still love - and who wants nothing to do

with me, because he believes I am a drug addict (I've always been

drug-free), that the major depression I've suffered from since childhood is

just an act, that the eating disorder I struggled with for decades (and am

still amazed I overcame, especially with the complete lack of outside

support I received) was a sign of my weak character. And three years ago

when I dared to call him (it's difficult staying away from him completely

because he's a public figure and I see him on TV and in the news and stuff,

which breaks my heart, cause I see him on the screen and I love him and miss

him and know he doesn't want to be my family) and thought maybe NOW he'll

listen to what really happened - well, I started to tell him and he breaks

in, saying, " I'm sure you THINK that's what happened. " And he didn't want to

hear one word more.

What he DID say was that I obviously had the wrong psychiatrist (I had

wonderful, high-quality therapy) who " brainwashed " me and that I should see

the therapist who helped HIM when he was going through some confusion about

his " non-Leave-It-To-Beaver " parents. (who, by the way, were gently

eccentric 1950s bohemians who kept a messy house, who never lifted a hand

to him, encouraged his considerable talents in every way, and treated him

with lots of love and good humor).

What really hurts and galls me right now - and maybe it's a sign of my

selfish nature...I don't know - is that when my father died, and my nada was

alone, and I hadn't been in contact with them at all, my cousin (who is a

multimillionaire at least) supported my nada, who wasn't his blood relative.

My father was my cousin's blood relative. But my nada convinced him, I

guess, that she had been screwed over and abused by her thieving, lying,

sociopathic daughter.. and everyone else, for that matter - and my cousin,

for whatever reason, made her comfortable, hired people to take care of her

personal business, made sure she wanted for nothing.

And a bit of whining here - I am struggling alone here - no family members

whatsoever - never received any sort of inheritance - never married (due

to incredibly poor choices on my part - I zeroed right in on alcoholics and

drug addicts, and they zeroed right in on me), no children, failing health,

work has been slow for two years - Medicare and health insurance doesn't

nearly cover the medications I need - can't get the pair of glasses I

desperately need, can't get my cavities filled - yes, I am horribly

depressed and don't know how to get out of it right now. Even though I know

my nada was manipulative and, well, nuts, and my father wasn't much better,

I DO think that I must indeed be evil and bad and terribly lacking because

wouldn't I have ended up in a better place by now? I mean - damn - my

parents were right - I've ended up completely alone at the age of 60...

Sorry to whine so much -

I'm just feeling so awful...

>

> Am I alone in this?

>

> My nada used to get on the phone and talk to neighbors, other relatives, or

> my father and talk bad about me. Especially if I had done something wrong or

> " weird. " She would do it in front of me and the conversation would be very

> mean with her using words about like I was " weird " and had " brain damage "

> and she " didn't know what to do with such a bad child. " Then she'd get off

> the phone and say things like, " Are you happy that MY friend think you're

> weird? Do you like that people think you're idiot. " And sometimes it would

> go on for hours and hours and hours.

>

October 13, 2010

My nada seems to have turned one of my sons against me with her lies and smear

campaigns. Now my other son is spending a lot of time with her and fada and I'm

sure nada is leading up to hoovering him as well. He still speaks to me, so

far, so I spoke to him today to tell him I'd like to explain to him why I no

longer go visit nada and fada. He agreed to listen, so whenever he shows up,

I'll be happy to fill him in.

Tonight I had dinner with a hs friend. I told her I don't see my parents much

anymore, she started to hint that I'm their only child and its my obligation.

During dinner I shared with her 8-10 nada stories spanning 50 years of time,

then told her I really don't want to deal with nada anymore. After listening to

my stories, she said she could see why. I told her it was all true, that I

didn't make any of it up. Her comment was that the stories I told her were too

bizarre to be made up.

Last night I finished a 25 week program on domestic abuse. I learned a whole

lot about my childhood there, validating that I wasn't wrong in thinking this

was all bizarre. I also learned that forgiveness does not require me to be

reconciled to abusive people, enabling or rescuing them.

I can forgive for my own sanity so I don't carry around this toxicity any

longer, but I don't have to keep going back for more. I've stepped back from

nada and fada little by little over the last 20 months, and in doing so, I'm

beginning to find peace and serenity. Amazing how happy I'm starting to feel

now that I no longer subject myself to nada's vexacious behavior.

Here's my analogy: For years I've been trudging thru a thorn-infested overgrown

briar patch looking for ripened fruit. Once in a while I find a ripe berry, but

mostly I end up worse for wear. Finally I've found my way to the paved sidewalk

where I can walk freely, without risking cuts, scratches or being torn to

shreds...and now that I'm here, I have no desire whatsoever to return. The few

berries in that old briar patch are not worth all the cuts and scrapes. I'd

rather do without.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, October 13, 2010 10:33:32 PM

Subject: Re: Did you BPD parent do this?