Re: Did you BPD parent do this?

October 14, 2010

Why yes, my nada has done this for years and still does whenever she can get an

audience. Her favorite person to tell about what a horrible daughter I am is

my best friend's mother. Fortunately, both best friend and her mom know the

real deal and tune her out. The mom has since moved away so my nada can no

longer corner her in the grocery store. She also likes to rant to grand-nada

too, who helps to stoke the fires of nada.

You are not alone. It hurts to be smeared by a delusional BP, but know that

there are those who love you who don't buy the BS.

>

> >

> > Am I alone in this?

> >

> > My nada used to get on the phone and talk to neighbors, other relatives, or

> > my father and talk bad about me. Especially if I had done something wrong or

> > " weird. " She would do it in front of me and the conversation would be very

> > mean with her using words about like I was " weird " and had " brain damage "

> > and she " didn't know what to do with such a bad child. " Then she'd get off

> > the phone and say things like, " Are you happy that MY friend think you're

> > weird? Do you like that people think you're idiot. " And sometimes it would

> > go on for hours and hours and hours.

> >

October 14, 2010

Hi Judy,

I'm so glad my reply was helpful!

I understand having a broken heart.I have thought that myself: the crux

of my problem is that my heart was simply broken from being repeatedly

mistreated maligned disregarded and discarded for the first seventeen years of

my life--then going out into a world where real healing assistance was so very

hard to find.

That's terrible that your parents told you that you were " stupid " for

caring about your aunt uncle and cousin and that they " hated " you.That is total

psychological abuse--and casting these family members who you could see for

yourself were living a happier,fuller life than yours in a threatening light as

" bad " and " liars " .The quadruple bind they were putting you in there is mind

boggling:

--First,you're " stupid " for believing that you really do see what you see

and that you have perceived your own positive experience of them correctly: You

are stupid to think these people are worth caring about.

--Second,you are foolish for caring: these people actually *hate* you.

--Third,we will appear to warn you off having anything to do with these

people as if we want to protect you from them: watch out,they are bad

people,watch your back,they are liars.But:

--Fourth,we will then assassinate *your* character to the very people we

said you were stupid to care about; who hated you; who we warned you about; who

we ourselves said are bad people and liars--we will betray you to the enemy as

if *you* are the enemy.

It's so abusive and insane and horrifically wrong--and then if you tried

to even hint at this soul destroying reality your aunt and uncle got angry with

you.That must have hurt very deeply indeed.Of course you wanted them to believe

you and love you--you had corectly perceived that they had a healthy

functionality your own parents lacked and that they *could* have believed you

validated you and loved you.

It's no wonder your heart was broken--you were preyed upon by

maliciously mentally ill parents and had no one to turn to for help/had the

possible help turned against you.I'm so sorry your aunt uncle and cousin allowed

themselves to be snowed by your nada--she most certainly did not have their best

interests at heart any more than she had your best interests at heart.What she

did is just destructive all around.

It was when I was a teenager,too,that my nada was most successful at

turning other family members against me--people who had given me " a pass " as a

child but who were only too willing to fall for nada's " unruly teenager " crap.Or

teenager with issues I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE.

My aunt did the same thing with her two oldest daughters when they were

teens.In fact,she goaded and goaded the second youngest one so much with

accusations and lies about her taking drugs that she ended up addicted to speed

when initially she hadn't been taking drugs at all.Like,here mother: You are

right,now everyone knows you are right.What kind of mother *wants* her teen to

be a drug user so *she* can be a public martyr? It's sick.

My aunt had tried do to the same thing with the oldest girl.She ran

away from home--but as she went,she lobbed a bomb: a letter to her mother and

sister about how her father had raped her when she was thirteen.

She has been despised and disbelieved by the family ever since.And when

this happened,everyone in the family " knew " she was lying.Their knowing for sure

it couldn't be true ran real deep too and was based on some serious wisdom,let

me tell you.Such as how my grandmother *knew* for sure it was a filthy lie:

" Why,B.(my uncle) ALWAYS had a smile for her,he never said a harsh word to

her. "

So he couldn't possibly be a rapist,now,could he? Yup,those dots

totally connect,Grandma!

My grandmother had been very fond of this cousin but when she spoke

her truth she turned on her completely.Then the smearing and vilification

began.My grandmother held my aunt's hand and supported her as she vilified her

own daughter to anyone and everyone who would listen.My cousin was left out in

the cold to sink or swim.

My cousin and I haven't met or spoken since I was about twelve.I've

been thinking about trying to contact her.So,you see,your post helped me

too.Sometimes what we share on here is like a message from the angels for

another member,even when our share is about our own personal pain.Because your

post has really made me wonder if maybe my cousin and I really could be the

family for one another that neither of us has.I am NC with all of my immediate

family; she is only in contact with that one sister who had the drug

problem--and that is mainly one sided with my vilified cousin making the effort

to have a relationship with her.

So I thank you too for sharing your story because it helped me,too

Just two evenings ago I was looking for a document in my filing cabinet and

found an old letter my cousin had written to my father expressing a wish to

resume contact.That was eight years ago when my grandmother died--I kept asking

fada if he'd written back to her and he kept saying he was going to but I don't

think he ever did.I am ashamed to say that at the time I didn't have the

presence of mind to take the initiative myself and write to her myself.For the

past two days I've been thinking of my cousin and wondering: Should I? Write to

her? And then I read your post.

About mercy and justice...I also never felt like I deserved those

because like you said I never received one iota of that from my

family,either.Justice we are unlikely to ever get for ourselves personally.But

mercy--we are worthy of compassion and understanding.We didn't shatter our own

hearts into these million pieces of pain.And please don't ever call having the

courage to voice your pain " whining " !!! This is a place where someone is going

to understand

Take care and best wishes plus HUGS from

>

> -

> Oh, thank you so much for your sweet, caring and empathetic reply - words

> cannot express how much I appreciate what you have written.

> I am going to keep your post and read it again and again.

> Yeah - my cousin probably is NEVER gonna get it - and you're right, he

> WASN'T there when any of the abuse was happening. We only saw him and his

> parents occasionally, and of course my parents were on their best behavior

> when we were all together.

> It was so weird - I ADORED my aunt, uncle and cousin, but if I dared express

> that to my parents, they'd tell me how I was stupid to care about them

> because my aunt, uncle and cousin were bad people and liars and that they

> hated me... and I'd get even more confused about the concept " love " than I

> was already, because my aunt and uncle treated me wonderfully when I was a

> child and young teenager (my cousin was a boy and four years older than me,

> so was not always particularly nice to me when we were children, but he was

> great to me for a while when we were teenagers).

> I used to think it was so odd that my parents had no friends...our house was

> dour -

> and my aunt, uncle and cousin had a happy home, almost always filled with

> guests and friends - and if they were such bad people, why did so many nice

> people like being around them?

> I figure, since my aunt and uncle treated me very well until I was about 16,

> that they started believing all the crap my mother would tell them about

> me... she was VERY bright and very persuasive...

> And it's not that they ever treated me badly - just with a sort of

> skepticism - and if I dared even BEGIN to say anything negative about my

> parents, they got angry at me, which hurt me badly, because I wanted them to

> love me and believe me.

> I really wanted to turn to them for help but it was impossible.

> I have been through sooo much therapy - I'm all therapied out - and none of

> it helped my constant feeling of a deeply broken heart.

> Perhaps it didn't help because most of the therapy I received was targeted

> at me BEING a borderline (which I never was) instead of being the child of

> one.

> I worked hard for two decades to overcome the eating disorder. I thought

> that my life would be so much better if the eating disorder was gone - that

> my broken heart would become whole.

> My broken heart didn't become whole.

> I'm afraid that it's too late for me to change - ever.

> I've always felt that " mercy and justice " from my family was something I

> simply did not deserve, because I never received one iota of it.

> Again, , THANK YOU for your sweet reply, and for putting up with my

> whining.

> Sending hugs -

> Judy

October 15, 2010

I agree.I think you would be wonderful in such a parenting teaching

capacity,.I can always feel your enthusiasm for parenting your children

well and your love for them when you write about that here and I'll bet you'd

communicate wonderfully well with your " students " in parenting classes.I second

that: Go for it!!!

>

> I think that is awesome, you will have such a positive effect on the lives of

countless children if you teach classes to prospective or young parents about

positive/attachment parenting techniques. I think education is the answer, in

the long term. When both adults and children recognize what mentally healthy

behaviors look like and sound like and feel like, then the negative and toxic

behaviors of mental illness will be more recognizable/obvious, and some kind of

intervention can take place. That is my fantasy or hope for the future. Go for

it! Teach those classes! That rocks!

> -Annie

October 15, 2010

Aww, thanks guys. That means a lot. I have learned so much through positive

parenting. I was actually doing positive parenting with my son before I even

knew what it was called and then we adopted two children from foster care and

foster many others, I started educating myself more. I have lots of books to

recommend to anyone interested. I made some my literal bible. I never

liked the idea of punishment because as a parent, it never felt right to me and

I didn't think parenting a child should make you feel guilty and bad. Plus,

with my past, I was having a hard time even putting my kids in time out because

I felt like an abuser. I've come a long way from those days thanks to my

therapist, but I had to find a parenting style that didn't make me have mommy

guilt and positive parenting worked for me...it is discipline, but in my

opinion, its the way discipline is meant to be -- to teach, not to punish. So

while consequences may be less than desireable at times ( ie, you leave your

bike out and it gets stolen after I told you to put it up, you have to earn

money to buy your own new bike or you just don't have a bike), it is a natural

consequence and not a punishable one.

Man, I can't wait till I get my social work degree in May!

Re: Did you BPD parent do this?

I agree.I think you would be wonderful in such a parenting teaching

capacity,.I can always feel your enthusiasm for parenting your children

well and your love for them when you write about that here and I'll bet you'd

communicate wonderfully well with your " students " in parenting classes.I second

that: Go for it!!!

>

> I think that is awesome, you will have such a positive effect on the lives of

countless children if you teach classes to prospective or young parents about

positive/attachment parenting techniques. I think education is the answer, in

the long term. When both adults and children recognize what mentally healthy

behaviors look like and sound like and feel like, then the negative and toxic

behaviors of mental illness will be more recognizable/obvious, and some kind of

intervention can take place. That is my fantasy or hope for the future. Go for

it! Teach those classes! That rocks!

> -Annie

October 15, 2010

Yes,absolutely,: your nada's behavior truly was " everything negative

imaginable " .There was NOTHING in that horrifyingly dysfunctional psychological

suffocation that could possibly do you any good at all--NOTHING that would have

served your development.I keep getting the impression from your posts that your

nada was just *relentless* with you,it's like this constant hideous hammering of

your vulnerable little psyche.

My nada was like that,too,just not quite in the same way as your

nada.But relentless in her own way.

I really don't think it's any wonder both of us had to resort to

dissociation to *try* to cope with sh*t that was impossible to cope with by any

other means.

>

> christine, that is exactly what it is -- suffocating you psychologically. I

guess the whole crazy-making part of it is because she would then turn around

and play victim and come across like she was doing everything possible and was

such a wonderful mother. It was sickening, confusing, scary....everything

negative imaginable.

October 15, 2010

Go,! Go,!

May is right around the corner

I like the way you explained it: discipline needs to be about teaching

not punishing.It makes complete sense to me that this is how discipline is meant

to be--shaming and blaming teaches nothing at all.Adults need to *guide*

children.

What is the best book you've read on the subject? If you could choose

just one that sums it up best?

>

> Aww, thanks guys. That means a lot. I have learned so much through positive