Re: what to do when the BPD throws uglies

[Guest guest]

Your assessment makes sense to me; if your nada is used to getting you riled up

and defending yourself and you're not doing that anymore, then you're not being

a good " mouse " any longer; you're not giving the " cat " any play-value. A cat

would find an unresponsive mouse " boring " and go find something else to torment.

The first idea that comes to me is, " Interesting that you would think so,

mother; you're the only person who's ever told me I'm boring. " and nothing

else. My guess is that she'll probably hang up.

Its just a less blunt way of saying, " That's only your opinion and that has no

value for me. "

-Annie

>

> I remember reading here that the best way to remove oneself from nada without

a

> big fight, is to get really boring.

>

> Well, I guess I have " succeeded " because my nada quietly informed me on the

> phone this weekend, that I was boring. I think nada feels so empty that she

is

> wanting to toy with me just for her own entertainment!

>

> But emotionally, I was galled at her words, and hurt, because my secret fear

> has always been that I would hear these words, and would be crushed and

> bewildered.

>

> When nada or fada throw uglies at you like this, what are some of the tactics

> you have found that worked in helping you defuse them?

>

>

> Best,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I like that. Boring. LOL!

I call it just plain old " not engaging " .

My aunt is dealing with my other aunt who is a flying BPD witch. I've been

teaching her tactics to deal with her, mostly to not engage. She said its bizare

seeing her going from full on rage to deflated because she won't engage her.

>

> I remember reading here that the best way to remove oneself from nada without

a

> big fight, is to get really boring.

>

> Well, I guess I have " succeeded " because my nada quietly informed me on the

> phone this weekend, that I was boring. I think nada feels so empty that she

is

> wanting to toy with me just for her own entertainment!

>

> But emotionally, I was galled at her words, and hurt, because my secret fear

> has always been that I would hear these words, and would be crushed and

> bewildered.

>

> When nada or fada throw uglies at you like this, what are some of the tactics

> you have found that worked in helping you defuse them?

>

>

> Best,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I had some further thoughts on this, so, I'm replying to my own post.

Your nada finds pleasant, kind, gentle, caring, non-combative conversations

boring.

To me, this is like calling soccer " boring " , and only enjoying " sports " where

one of the combatants is killed and blood is spilled (gladiatorial combat,

bull-fighting, dog-fighting, etc.)

I suggest that buying into your nada's definition of " boring " is what is hurting

you. She's wrong; her definition of " boring is very off-kilter in a disturbing

way.

I'm trying to get to the point where I am completely emotionally detached so

that nothing my nada can say to me can possibly hurt my feelings, but I'm

finding that its easier said than done. I feel for your anguish. I think

what's probably going on is that you and I both are still clinging to the

idea/belief/hope that our mothers love us.

But if my mother wants contact with me only for the purpose of hurting me,

that's not love by any stretch of the imagination.

I am not obligated to expose myself to someone who takes pleasure from hurting

me, that's dysfunctional and masochistic on my part.

I heard a good " mantra " for me, that I keep repeating to myself; it goes

something like: " Even amoebas will move themselves away from a painful stimulus,

and they're one-celled animals with no brain. And I am smarter than an amoeba. "

-Annie

> >

> > I remember reading here that the best way to remove oneself from nada

without a

> > big fight, is to get really boring.

> >

> > Well, I guess I have " succeeded " because my nada quietly informed me on the

> > phone this weekend, that I was boring. I think nada feels so empty that she

is

> > wanting to toy with me just for her own entertainment!

> >

> > But emotionally, I was galled at her words, and hurt, because my secret

fear

> > has always been that I would hear these words, and would be crushed and

> > bewildered.

> >

> > When nada or fada throw uglies at you like this, what are some of the

tactics

> > you have found that worked in helping you defuse them?

> >

> >

> > Best,

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

,

Remember part of the make up of a BP is an addiction to the histrionics.

Whether as a witch, queen, waif, or hermit, they must have the DRAMA.

They feel so little, have such empathy deficits, that they require that

" going over the top of the roller coaster " constantly just to feel

alive and validated.

That is part of what makes them extremely unstable in relationships.

The fault, then, is not in their daughters, but in themselves, if I may

paraphrase.

You are only NOT boring if you are playing the game, engaging in their

psycho drama.

You are not the person NADA sees. The world is not the world NADA sees.

Don t let the perceptions of a critically damaged mother wound you.

Girlscout Cowboy recently shared how her T was helping her to heal her

image of herself. Bravo.

So must we all. Remember too, dear, that there is no person living who

can possibly satisfy and fulfill the needs of a Borderline. They will

not achieve that because of what you change into, but because of their

own changes. Let your image of yourself be healed, be rooted in

reality, be rooted in the affirmations of healthy friends and loved

ones.

I wish it could be your Mom. I really do. I wish it could have been

mine. But we did not get Moms, we got nada s. We are NOT who they saw

us to be.

May we all heal!

Doug

[Guest guest]

- weren't you TRYING to be boring so she'd leave you alone? Well,

congratulations, it's working! She's not going to let you go without a parting

shot, though.

BUT - since you aren't wasting your life talking to your crazy mother on the

phone for hours, you can go out and actually LIVE! Go crazy, you vixen you!

(Crazy in a good way...)

>

> ,

>

> Remember part of the make up of a BP is an addiction to the histrionics.

> Whether as a witch, queen, waif, or hermit, they must have the DRAMA.

> They feel so little, have such empathy deficits, that they require that

> " going over the top of the roller coaster " constantly just to feel

> alive and validated.

>

> That is part of what makes them extremely unstable in relationships.

> The fault, then, is not in their daughters, but in themselves, if I may

> paraphrase.

>

> You are only NOT boring if you are playing the game, engaging in their

> psycho drama.

>

> You are not the person NADA sees. The world is not the world NADA sees.

> Don t let the perceptions of a critically damaged mother wound you.

> Girlscout Cowboy recently shared how her T was helping her to heal her

> image of herself. Bravo.

>

> So must we all. Remember too, dear, that there is no person living who

> can possibly satisfy and fulfill the needs of a Borderline. They will

> not achieve that because of what you change into, but because of their

> own changes. Let your image of yourself be healed, be rooted in

> reality, be rooted in the affirmations of healthy friends and loved

> ones.

>

> I wish it could be your Mom. I really do. I wish it could have been

> mine. But we did not get Moms, we got nada s. We are NOT who they saw

> us to be.

>

> May we all heal!

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

You handled it perfectly!!! Good job!

On Tue, Oct 12, 2010 at 9:12 PM, VICTORIA SMITH <smithvictoria@...

> wrote:

>

>

> I am a bit delayed in my response as I am working off a substitute computer

> and

> there is that deal of being on digest.

>

> I appreciate all of the feedback. Annie, both your posts are making me

> think.

> I am learning from everyone; yes, I guess I was trying to be boring, but

> never

> thought I'd make that goal and certainly never expected to ..... have nada

> see

> it as a flaw in me! Thanks for the acknowledgment and the many

> perspectives.

>

> Annie, I never thought I could take my mom's comment neutrally. Interesting

>

> idea. And yes, it hurt, because it was so obvious that nada made a choice

> to

> say something that no one with any common decency would say to another

> person

> they love. The cat with a mouse analogy is so spot-on. I did feel toyed

> with,

> actually. Interestingly nada hates cats, and maybe it is because there is a

> part

> of herself that she does not like, that is cat-like, in that she likes to

> toy

> with her victims. Yuck.

>

> It helped me after the phone call, to write a story about it. Here is what

> I

> had written:

>

> It's been my old pattern to be a fighter when it came to my dealings with

> my

> mom. As I got more perspective, I would try to temper my fighter-self by

> being

> tolerant and kind if I could be so. Lately, I have seen that being tolerant

> is

> being unkind to me. Right now, my emotional health comes first.

>

> I guess that is why instead of accepting the status quo, I asked, kindly,

> " Mom,

> how comes you end the conversations between my dad and I so quickly? " (My

> nada

> had put my dad on the phone in my conversation this past Saturday--she had

> initiated the phone call with me--then wrenched the phone away from my dad

> before he and I got past " small talk " .

>

> She first played her usual game of denial and accusation, implying I had no

>

> right to pose the question. I did not argue, only listened. Then she told

> me

> that my dad thinks I am boring. I said, " I'd like to hear him say that to

> me

> himself. " And I mean that. I mean if there is a problem, I would like dad

> to

> have the chance to broach it with me. I really need a relationship with my

> dad,

> that doesn't have my mom honing in on it and controlling it. (I've given up

> the

> illusion I'll get what I want in this lifetime, but I am deciding it is

> time to

> stop playing the resignation game, too).

>

> So, my mom stopped using my dad's " disappointment " as her gun against me.

> She

> took it in her own hands. I saw her decide to tell me directly, " You are

> boring. "

>

> I have to say that that hurt. Yes, even though I knew boring was a healthy

> goal

> for nadas, I had forgotten all that in a moment. It made me feel

> ....unimportant. I did not have a snappy reply and I did not want to act as

> if

> that were water off my back. I no longer want to be tough and " act as if "

> nothing hurts me. So I told her, " Look if you find me boring, then I am

> going

> to go now. "

>

> And I hung up, without any anger, just a sense of awareness. Like an

> epiphany

> that plopped me flat on the ground. And my husband, when he heard what had

> transpired, told me not to answer when nada rang back, And when she kept

> ringing

> back, he matter-of-factly unplugged the phone. I think he was right. My

> nada

> needs consequences. My nada is unwieldy.

>

> And she needs to understand that I really and truly am not going to

> tolerate

> being treated anymore as a punching bag, nor am I going to tolerate being

> treated as an interloper. My actions speak louder than any words I could

> have

> said, on my behalf.

>

> This is humbling for me, because I consider myself to be a wordsmith. But I

> have

> also been aware recently, that positive words don't hardly touch my

> relationship

> with nada.

>

> My hanging up, and as one of you put it, disengagement? Well, that worked.

> I was

> not caring if nada ever called me again, but she called tonight, and she

> was

> civil, and we had real back and forth conversation. I stayed reserved, but

> open,

> and uncomplicated. Something has shifted and I am going to believe in it.

> And I

> am going to trust my instincts more in my future conversations.

>

> These are baby steps! Sharing has already helped me. Thank you!.

>

> Best,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree: I think your response was brilliant! You simply mirrored her insulting

comment back to her (you didn't own it) and logically concluded that if she

finds you boring, then, there was no point in her having called you.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > I am a bit delayed in my response as I am working off a substitute computer

> > and

> > there is that deal of being on digest.

> >

> > I appreciate all of the feedback. Annie, both your posts are making me

> > think.

> > I am learning from everyone; yes, I guess I was trying to be boring, but

> > never

> > thought I'd make that goal and certainly never expected to ..... have nada

> > see

> > it as a flaw in me! Thanks for the acknowledgment and the many

> > perspectives.

> >

> > Annie, I never thought I could take my mom's comment neutrally. Interesting

> >

> > idea. And yes, it hurt, because it was so obvious that nada made a choice

> > to

> > say something that no one with any common decency would say to another

> > person

> > they love. The cat with a mouse analogy is so spot-on. I did feel toyed

> > with,

> > actually. Interestingly nada hates cats, and maybe it is because there is a

> > part

> > of herself that she does not like, that is cat-like, in that she likes to

> > toy

> > with her victims. Yuck.

> >

> > It helped me after the phone call, to write a story about it. Here is what

> > I

> > had written:

> >

> > It's been my old pattern to be a fighter when it came to my dealings with

> > my

> > mom. As I got more perspective, I would try to temper my fighter-self by

> > being

> > tolerant and kind if I could be so. Lately, I have seen that being tolerant

> > is

> > being unkind to me. Right now, my emotional health comes first.

> >

> > I guess that is why instead of accepting the status quo, I asked, kindly,

> > " Mom,

> > how comes you end the conversations between my dad and I so quickly? " (My

> > nada

> > had put my dad on the phone in my conversation this past Saturday--she had

> > initiated the phone call with me--then wrenched the phone away from my dad

> > before he and I got past " small talk " .

> >

> > She first played her usual game of denial and accusation, implying I had no

> >

> > right to pose the question. I did not argue, only listened. Then she told

> > me

> > that my dad thinks I am boring. I said, " I'd like to hear him say that to

> > me

> > himself. " And I mean that. I mean if there is a problem, I would like dad

> > to

> > have the chance to broach it with me. I really need a relationship with my

> > dad,

> > that doesn't have my mom honing in on it and controlling it. (I've given up

> > the

> > illusion I'll get what I want in this lifetime, but I am deciding it is

> > time to

> > stop playing the resignation game, too).

> >

> > So, my mom stopped using my dad's " disappointment " as her gun against me.

> > She

> > took it in her own hands. I saw her decide to tell me directly, " You are

> > boring. "

> >

> > I have to say that that hurt. Yes, even though I knew boring was a healthy

> > goal

> > for nadas, I had forgotten all that in a moment. It made me feel

> > ....unimportant. I did not have a snappy reply and I did not want to act as

> > if

> > that were water off my back. I no longer want to be tough and " act as if "

> > nothing hurts me. So I told her, " Look if you find me boring, then I am

> > going

> > to go now. "

> >

> > And I hung up, without any anger, just a sense of awareness. Like an

> > epiphany

> > that plopped me flat on the ground. And my husband, when he heard what had

> > transpired, told me not to answer when nada rang back, And when she kept

> > ringing

> > back, he matter-of-factly unplugged the phone. I think he was right. My

> > nada

> > needs consequences. My nada is unwieldy.

> >

> > And she needs to understand that I really and truly am not going to

> > tolerate

> > being treated anymore as a punching bag, nor am I going to tolerate being

> > treated as an interloper. My actions speak louder than any words I could

> > have

> > said, on my behalf.

> >

> > This is humbling for me, because I consider myself to be a wordsmith. But I

> > have

> > also been aware recently, that positive words don't hardly touch my

> > relationship

> > with nada.

> >

> > My hanging up, and as one of you put it, disengagement? Well, that worked.

> > I was

> > not caring if nada ever called me again, but she called tonight, and she

> > was

> > civil, and we had real back and forth conversation. I stayed reserved, but

> > open,

> > and uncomplicated. Something has shifted and I am going to believe in it.

> > And I

> > am going to trust my instincts more in my future conversations.

> >

> > These are baby steps! Sharing has already helped me. Thank you!.

> >

> > Best,

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I think it hurts us wordsmiths most to be called boring, because it is the

wordsmithing that gives us the greatest satisfaction in communicating our most

vivid impressions. To say you are boring cuts to the heart of that like a laser.

You would be right to feel angry and offended.

That said, it seems like she was trying for any reaction she could get, and you

reacted the best possible way. Our references indicate that the most stable

relationship with a BPD is often achieved through boundaries.

My heart goes out to you.

Tina

>

> I am a bit delayed in my response as I am working off a substitute computer

and

> there is that deal of being on digest.

>

> I appreciate all of the feedback. Annie, both your posts are making me think.

> I am learning from everyone; yes, I guess I was trying to be boring, but

never

> thought I'd make that goal and certainly never expected to ..... have nada see

> it as a flaw in me! Thanks for the acknowledgment and the many perspectives.

>

> Annie, I never thought I could take my mom's comment neutrally. Interesting

> idea. And yes, it hurt, because it was so obvious that nada made a choice to

> say something that no one with any common decency would say to another person

> they love. The cat with a mouse analogy is so spot-on. I did feel toyed with,

> actually. Interestingly nada hates cats, and maybe it is because there is a

part

> of herself that she does not like, that is cat-like, in that she likes to toy

> with her victims. Yuck.

>

> It helped me after the phone call, to write a story about it. Here is what I

> had written:

>

> It's been my old pattern to be a fighter when it came to my dealings with my

> mom. As I got more perspective, I would try to temper my fighter-self by being

> tolerant and kind if I could be so. Lately, I have seen that being tolerant

is

> being unkind to me. Right now, my emotional health comes first.

>

> I guess that is why instead of accepting the status quo, I asked, kindly,

" Mom,

> how comes you end the conversations between my dad and I so quickly? " (My

nada

> had put my dad on the phone in my conversation this past Saturday--she had

> initiated the phone call with me--then wrenched the phone away from my dad

> before he and I got past " small talk " .

>

> She first played her usual game of denial and accusation, implying I had no

> right to pose the question. I did not argue, only listened. Then she told me

> that my dad thinks I am boring. I said, " I'd like to hear him say that to me

> himself. " And I mean that. I mean if there is a problem, I would like dad to

> have the chance to broach it with me. I really need a relationship with my

dad,

> that doesn't have my mom honing in on it and controlling it. (I've given up

the

> illusion I'll get what I want in this lifetime, but I am deciding it is time

to

> stop playing the resignation game, too).

>

> So, my mom stopped using my dad's " disappointment " as her gun against me. She

> took it in her own hands. I saw her decide to tell me directly, " You are

> boring. "

>

>

> I have to say that that hurt. Yes, even though I knew boring was a healthy

goal

> for nadas, I had forgotten all that in a moment. It made me feel

> ....unimportant. I did not have a snappy reply and I did not want to act as if

> that were water off my back. I no longer want to be tough and " act as if "

> nothing hurts me. So I told her, " Look if you find me boring, then I am going

> to go now. "

>

> And I hung up, without any anger, just a sense of awareness. Like an epiphany

> that plopped me flat on the ground. And my husband, when he heard what had

> transpired, told me not to answer when nada rang back, And when she kept

ringing

> back, he matter-of-factly unplugged the phone. I think he was right. My nada

> needs consequences. My nada is unwieldy.

>

> And she needs to understand that I really and truly am not going to tolerate

> being treated anymore as a punching bag, nor am I going to tolerate being

> treated as an interloper. My actions speak louder than any words I could have

> said, on my behalf.

>

> This is humbling for me, because I consider myself to be a wordsmith. But I

have

> also been aware recently, that positive words don't hardly touch my

relationship

> with nada.

>

> My hanging up, and as one of you put it, disengagement? Well, that worked. I

was

> not caring if nada ever called me again, but she called tonight, and she was

> civil, and we had real back and forth conversation. I stayed reserved, but

open,

> and uncomplicated. Something has shifted and I am going to believe in it. And

I

> am going to trust my instincts more in my future conversations.

>

> These are baby steps! Sharing has already helped me. Thank you!.

>

> Best,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Being boring is great, I do that whenever mum calls (probably why she doesnt

call often). I ask about the weather, talk about the plants in the backyard (she

isnt interested in gardening), talk about how I got a new computer at work, a

gameshow on tv, theres a bird in the tree out the back, how my partner and I

went for a walk... anything BOOOOORRRRIIINNNGGG.... I find it also keeps her on

boring topics, its like she needs to be " reminded " to go nuts at something and

she cant if Im droning on about crap.

I dont mention what I do at work (because I work with MEN and therefore I must

have a bad reputation), I dont mention the dog (because I must have worms if I

own a dog), I dont talk about family (because she will bitch about them), I dont

mention anything that she can get her teeth into. Never indicate that I am happy

about anything, never tell plans for anything, never mention problems, etc. I

maintain the bland-never changing- everything is fine work is busy -monotonous

life that she cant be bothered hearing about.

The fact is my life is very interesting, there is always something happening and

cool stuff going on, I just keep that info for others.

So she mainly calls other people, because they are much more interesting. Yay.

>

> I remember reading here that the best way to remove oneself from nada without

a

> big fight, is to get really boring.

>

> Well, I guess I have " succeeded " because my nada quietly informed me on the

> phone this weekend, that I was boring. I think nada feels so empty that she

is

> wanting to toy with me just for her own entertainment!

>

> But emotionally, I was galled at her words, and hurt, because my secret fear

> has always been that I would hear these words, and would be crushed and

> bewildered.

>

> When nada or fada throw uglies at you like this, what are some of the tactics

> you have found that worked in helping you defuse them?

>

>

> Best,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Big thumbs up from me!! Its great to find something that works for you.

-Annie

> >

> > I remember reading here that the best way to remove oneself from nada

without a

> > big fight, is to get really boring.

> >

> > Well, I guess I have " succeeded " because my nada quietly informed me on the

> > phone this weekend, that I was boring. I think nada feels so empty that she

is

> > wanting to toy with me just for her own entertainment!

> >

> > But emotionally, I was galled at her words, and hurt, because my secret

fear

> > has always been that I would hear these words, and would be crushed and

> > bewildered.

> >

> > When nada or fada throw uglies at you like this, what are some of the

tactics

> > you have found that worked in helping you defuse them?

> >

> >

> > Best,

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I do this style of boring conversation too and it makes me sad. Sometimes I

slip up and talk about something that matters to me even a little and I almost

always regret it. I get reminded quickly why I'm stuck talking about pets and

the weather.

> >

> > I remember reading here that the best way to remove oneself from nada

without a

> > big fight, is to get really boring.

> >

> > Well, I guess I have " succeeded " because my nada quietly informed me on the

> > phone this weekend, that I was boring. I think nada feels so empty that she

is

> > wanting to toy with me just for her own entertainment!

> >

> > But emotionally, I was galled at her words, and hurt, because my secret

fear

> > has always been that I would hear these words, and would be crushed and

> > bewildered.

> >

> > When nada or fada throw uglies at you like this, what are some of the

tactics

> > you have found that worked in helping you defuse them?

> >

> >

> > Best,

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

" Lake Woebegone " LOL! I remember that show! (brought to you by " Powdermilk

Biscuits " ) Yep, keep the topics superficial and dull, and nada will never have

any real material to weaponize and hurt you with later. Sounds like a smart

strategy to me!

-Annie

> > >

> > > I remember reading here that the best way to remove oneself from nada

without a

> > > big fight, is to get really boring.

> > >

> > > Well, I guess I have " succeeded " because my nada quietly informed me on

the

> > > phone this weekend, that I was boring. I think nada feels so empty that

she is

> > > wanting to toy with me just for her own entertainment!

> > >

> > > But emotionally, I was galled at her words, and hurt, because my secret

fear

> > > has always been that I would hear these words, and would be crushed and

> > > bewildered.

> > >

> > > When nada or fada throw uglies at you like this, what are some of the

tactics

> > > you have found that worked in helping you defuse them?

> > >

> > >

> > > Best,

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

On behalf of all the good looking men, thank you

LOL

Doug

>

>

> YES! " Droning on about crap " -- who knew? It's the best technique I

can think of when talking to Nada.

>

> As far as she knows, we live in Lake Wobegon, " where all the women are

strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above

average. "

>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think you said it best when you said " I think nada feels so empty that

she is wanting to toy with me just for her own entertainment " - it has

more to do with their own stuff than it does with you. I'm new to these

groups so I'm not really sure who people are referring to as " nada " -

I'm asumming it means mother - if someone can help me out with that, I'd

appreciate it. I think the key is reminding ourselves and having other

healthy people remind us of who we really are rather than take the

opinion of someone who may not be capable of thinking outside their own

pain. That's not easy to do, but I think reminding ourselves of the

truth is really important to counteract what is being told to us - which

more often than not is probably a lie or an exaggeration that may have

more to do with them then with us.

For me it was always my weight that was a soft spot because my mom

criticized it most of my life and was always said in the context of

trying to " help " me but made me more self-concious. I'm not heavy, but

not skinny either. I've finally started accepting this part of me, which

is key. I also had to confront it head on when my mom recently was

trying to be " helpful' and once again tried to give me " helpful " but

very hurtful advice on what I should do. I finally asked her to not give

me " advice " about the topic anymore - and in my head thinking I couldn't

trust her advice or opinion on the matter because her view of me was

skewed. It felt empowering to set my limits on that and in future

conversations can reinforce them in saying " I've asked you not to talk

about that remember? " I don't know if direct assertiveness works, w/o

getting into an argument, but we do have a right to our boundaries and I

think we can set them and walk away. Since then, I finally broke down

and bought clothes that fit, and people now ask if I " m losing weight!

It's helping those misguided messages from my mom lose their sting as

I'm learning to accept myself as I am - imperfect but still beautiful.

Has anyone else had any luck setting limits and boundaries and if so,

what did you do?

missrydin

>

> I remember reading here that the best way to remove oneself from nada

without a

> big fight, is to get really boring.

>

> Well, I guess I have " succeeded " because my nada quietly informed me

on the

> phone this weekend, that I was boring. I think nada feels so empty

that she is

> wanting to toy with me just for her own entertainment!

>

> But emotionally, I was galled at her words, and hurt, because my

secret fear

> has always been that I would hear these words, and would be crushed

and

> bewildered.

>

> When nada or fada throw uglies at you like this, what are some of the

tactics

> you have found that worked in helping you defuse them?

>

>

> Best,

>

>