Re: Death of the BP parent

October 5, 2010

Thanks for this list, Doug. I'm going to save it and send a copy to my Sister.

I think its probably extra hard for those of us who've had a " Jekyll and Hyde "

nada: one who can at least appear to be nice, thoughtful, kindly, and nurturing

*sometimes*.

When my nada dies, that's who I'll be mourning: the withered, rudimentary

fragment of her that was " my mom " who seemed to love me but only visited our

house from time to time, and who never protected me from the stronger, mean,

shaming, perfectionist, terrifying, raging, toxic " nada " who lived with us most

of the time, who hated me and wanted to hurt me.

-Annie

>

> For those of us who have started that journey, lost our BP parent, and

> those of us who are perhaps further along than others , note this post.

>

> I have noted that a number of our friends here are either about to lose,

> or have recently lost theirs. I ve shared some before, but perhaps it

> is time again for us to share things we have noted, or experienced, that

> may help our friends.

>

> 1. Nada was irresponsible and disorganized in life. Dont expect to find

> anything different in death.

>

> Her things will be haphazard. Important papers or her final wishes will

> not be where you can find them. Her bills and personal affairs will not

> be in order.

>

> Breathe. You are not responsible to make it all right. You may take on

> the role of fiduciary for her estate or not. It will take you at least

> a year to settle it, walk , don t run.

>

> You are not responsible for her debts. If you are the fiduciary, you are

> responsible for distributing what she had among who she owes. This

> includes you. As fiduciary, you may pay yourself a reasonable hourly

> rate , out of the estate, for the time you spend sorting, cleaning,

> running errands, going to the courthouse, ect.

>

> The first 2 priorities for her money are taxes, and you. Pay yourself

> out of her money each day you do anything, and keep records of it. Once

> you are named fiduciary, you can sign her name to her checks and act in

> full power of attorney. If you pay taxes, and pay yourself for your

> time, and there is no money left, then the fools who extended her credit

> got screwed . Not your problem.

>

> 2. You are NOT responsible to track down anyone she may have owed. If

> bills come in the mail, put them together and wait. Do not start paying

> anyone anything. You can make up a form letter stating that she is

> deceased and they will be contacted once her estate is settled. If the

> estate is very limited you may so state, and some creditors, hospitals,

> collection agencies, ect, may simply write it off as bad debt and never

> contact you again.

>

> Do NOT tell anyone who may have been a flying monkey any GD thing! I

> had a niece of nada , also a FM take it on herself to track down someone

> who nada owed 1500 bucks to , just to make sure he knew. I asked her if

> she intended to pay it herself. And since she is probably BP too, and

> has no money she said no. Then I said mind your own bucking fusiness.

>

> The probate will put an ad in local papers about her estate, and it is

> the responsibility of creditors to look for them and file a claim

> against the estate if they wish to do so. If they do not, and the court

> releases the estate, and you distribute the money , and they come around

> 19 months later, well, foo triggin bad.

>

> 3. Noting my rude remark to the FM neice, while dealing with all this,

> and the shock and grief, people will cut you a lot of slack because your

> Mom just died and you are grieving. So, do NOT be nice. Call a friggin

> spade a friggin spade. Let yourself live. Tell people to their face to

> mind the own bucking fusiness. To rude and snoopy questions, don t

> hesitate to say go screw yourself.

>

> It will feel SOOOO good, you will totally love it. Especially you will

> love it with nada s flying monkeys. And later, you can say, really? I

> said that. Those months are a fog to me now. I can remember much of

> what I said and did. Then walk away smirking.

>

> Do NOT miss your opportunity to do this. It is the best damn therapy you

> ll ever get!

>

> 4. If anyone tries to pressure you to paying her bills, or threatens to

> sue, see note 3 above, and tell them to go for it. You do not have to

> pay a dime out of your own pocket, nor hurry to pay them before the

> estate is settled. It will take you a year, I promise. Unless she owes

> them a great deal of money, it s bluster. It will cost them more to sue

> than they will ever get. The most they can practically do is file a

> claim against the estate, with the probate court, who will then contact

> you and say hey add this one to your list.

>

> I truly enjoyed telling one such asshole, you guys gave credit to a 69

> year old woman with a horrible credit rating, multiple leins and

> bankruptcies, and a long history of non payment? What sort of frigging

> idiot does that make you?

>

> Again, dont forget rule 3 above!

>

> 5. You are responsible to God, and the clerk at the probate court for

> your good faith efforts and being fair and equitable in paying filing

> and settling. You are not responsible to tell another soul what you are

> doing or where you are in the process.

>

> 6. You will grieve. I don t care how bad nada was, or how much relief

> you feel at first. You have lost forever the hope that you will have a

> normal mom, even for a day. It will hurt. You will grieve. Expect it.

>

> 7. You may rage. Find someone who will let you rage and vent, someone

> you can trust and be assured of, and let that shit out. If you don t

> have anyone close to do so with, do it here. We all understand.

>

> 8. You will find things that hurt you. She was who she was. You were

> not as important as you should have been. It s not your fault. Sorry.

>

> 9. You do not have to open the funeral or service to anyone you don t

> want their. It is not for her, if you are planning it, it is for you.

> Do what you must to make it a time for you to begin to heal. To that

> end, select a pastor, priest , or rabbi who knows YOU, understands your

> struggles, and is there to comfort you, not to make you listen one more

> friggin time to someone glow about the false face of nada they know.

>

> 10. You do not have to do ANY of this. You can simply walk away and say

> Fuck it. You are not morally or legally required to do so. ( If the

> Fuck it offends, I apologize. But Girlscout Cowboy, THIS is what you

> get with the sailor unleashed! LOL )

>

> Finally, be gentle with yourself. None of it was your fault. Forgive

> yourself.

>

> and do not hesitate to tell anyone , anytime, any place, Oh go Fuck

> yourself.

>

> Anyone else care to add to the list?

>

> Doug

>

October 5, 2010

I like the sailor. A lot!!! In fact, I sucking love the failor!!

Ha ha ha

Great info, thank you. I have no reason to believe my nada isn't totally

alive and kicking. When she dies, my dad or brother can deal with it. I've

said my goodbyes.

But thank you.

On Tue, Oct 5, 2010 at 9:43 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> Thanks for this list, Doug. I'm going to save it and send a copy to my

> Sister. I think its probably extra hard for those of us who've had a " Jekyll

> and Hyde " nada: one who can at least appear to be nice, thoughtful, kindly,

> and nurturing *sometimes*.

>

> When my nada dies, that's who I'll be mourning: the withered, rudimentary

> fragment of her that was " my mom " who seemed to love me but only visited our

> house from time to time, and who never protected me from the stronger, mean,

> shaming, perfectionist, terrifying, raging, toxic " nada " who lived with us

> most of the time, who hated me and wanted to hurt me.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > For those of us who have started that journey, lost our BP parent, and

> > those of us who are perhaps further along than others , note this post.

> >

> > I have noted that a number of our friends here are either about to lose,

> > or have recently lost theirs. I ve shared some before, but perhaps it

> > is time again for us to share things we have noted, or experienced, that

> > may help our friends.

> >

> > 1. Nada was irresponsible and disorganized in life. Dont expect to find

> > anything different in death.

> >

> > Her things will be haphazard. Important papers or her final wishes will

> > not be where you can find them. Her bills and personal affairs will not

> > be in order.

> >

> > Breathe. You are not responsible to make it all right. You may take on

> > the role of fiduciary for her estate or not. It will take you at least

> > a year to settle it, walk , don t run.

> >

> > You are not responsible for her debts. If you are the fiduciary, you are

> > responsible for distributing what she had among who she owes. This

> > includes you. As fiduciary, you may pay yourself a reasonable hourly

> > rate , out of the estate, for the time you spend sorting, cleaning,

> > running errands, going to the courthouse, ect.

> >

> > The first 2 priorities for her money are taxes, and you. Pay yourself

> > out of her money each day you do anything, and keep records of it. Once

> > you are named fiduciary, you can sign her name to her checks and act in

> > full power of attorney. If you pay taxes, and pay yourself for your

> > time, and there is no money left, then the fools who extended her credit

> > got screwed . Not your problem.

> >

> > 2. You are NOT responsible to track down anyone she may have owed. If

> > bills come in the mail, put them together and wait. Do not start paying

> > anyone anything. You can make up a form letter stating that she is

> > deceased and they will be contacted once her estate is settled. If the

> > estate is very limited you may so state, and some creditors, hospitals,

> > collection agencies, ect, may simply write it off as bad debt and never

> > contact you again.

> >

> > Do NOT tell anyone who may have been a flying monkey any GD thing! I

> > had a niece of nada , also a FM take it on herself to track down someone

> > who nada owed 1500 bucks to , just to make sure he knew. I asked her if

> > she intended to pay it herself. And since she is probably BP too, and

> > has no money she said no. Then I said mind your own bucking fusiness.

> >

> > The probate will put an ad in local papers about her estate, and it is

> > the responsibility of creditors to look for them and file a claim

> > against the estate if they wish to do so. If they do not, and the court

> > releases the estate, and you distribute the money , and they come around

> > 19 months later, well, foo triggin bad.

> >

> > 3. Noting my rude remark to the FM neice, while dealing with all this,

> > and the shock and grief, people will cut you a lot of slack because your

> > Mom just died and you are grieving. So, do NOT be nice. Call a friggin

> > spade a friggin spade. Let yourself live. Tell people to their face to

> > mind the own bucking fusiness. To rude and snoopy questions, don t

> > hesitate to say go screw yourself.

> >

> > It will feel SOOOO good, you will totally love it. Especially you will

> > love it with nada s flying monkeys. And later, you can say, really? I

> > said that. Those months are a fog to me now. I can remember much of

> > what I said and did. Then walk away smirking.

> >

> > Do NOT miss your opportunity to do this. It is the best damn therapy you

> > ll ever get!

> >

> > 4. If anyone tries to pressure you to paying her bills, or threatens to

> > sue, see note 3 above, and tell them to go for it. You do not have to

> > pay a dime out of your own pocket, nor hurry to pay them before the

> > estate is settled. It will take you a year, I promise. Unless she owes

> > them a great deal of money, it s bluster. It will cost them more to sue

> > than they will ever get. The most they can practically do is file a

> > claim against the estate, with the probate court, who will then contact

> > you and say hey add this one to your list.

> >

> > I truly enjoyed telling one such asshole, you guys gave credit to a 69

> > year old woman with a horrible credit rating, multiple leins and

> > bankruptcies, and a long history of non payment? What sort of frigging

> > idiot does that make you?

> >

> > Again, dont forget rule 3 above!

> >

> > 5. You are responsible to God, and the clerk at the probate court for

> > your good faith efforts and being fair and equitable in paying filing

> > and settling. You are not responsible to tell another soul what you are

> > doing or where you are in the process.

> >

> > 6. You will grieve. I don t care how bad nada was, or how much relief

> > you feel at first. You have lost forever the hope that you will have a

> > normal mom, even for a day. It will hurt. You will grieve. Expect it.

> >

> > 7. You may rage. Find someone who will let you rage and vent, someone

> > you can trust and be assured of, and let that shit out. If you don t

> > have anyone close to do so with, do it here. We all understand.

> >

> > 8. You will find things that hurt you. She was who she was. You were

> > not as important as you should have been. It s not your fault. Sorry.

> >

> > 9. You do not have to open the funeral or service to anyone you don t

> > want their. It is not for her, if you are planning it, it is for you.

> > Do what you must to make it a time for you to begin to heal. To that

> > end, select a pastor, priest , or rabbi who knows YOU, understands your

> > struggles, and is there to comfort you, not to make you listen one more

> > friggin time to someone glow about the false face of nada they know.

> >

> > 10. You do not have to do ANY of this. You can simply walk away and say

> > Fuck it. You are not morally or legally required to do so. ( If the

> > Fuck it offends, I apologize. But Girlscout Cowboy, THIS is what you

> > get with the sailor unleashed! LOL )

> >

> > Finally, be gentle with yourself. None of it was your fault. Forgive

> > yourself.

> >

> > and do not hesitate to tell anyone , anytime, any place, Oh go Fuck

> > yourself.

> >

> > Anyone else care to add to the list?

> >

> > Doug

> >

>

October 6, 2010

thank you soooo much for this doug.. my nada passed many years ago and i was not

involved with settling her estate, yet i cry bitter tears over what you have to

say here.. it is so helpful to know these things and i appreciate the help with

future deaths i may be a part of dealing with.. yes, i do still grieve, even

after all this time. Â not having a real mom does hurt. Â and still hurts.. and

as time goes on i will continue to learn how to parent myself with help from my

friends and all of you here.thanks again,Â ann

Subject: Death of the BP parent

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, October 5, 2010, 10:19 AM

Â

For those of us who have started that journey, lost our BP parent, and

those of us who are perhaps further along than others , note this post.

I have noted that a number of our friends here are either about to lose,

or have recently lost theirs. I ve shared some before, but perhaps it

is time again for us to share things we have noted, or experienced, that

may help our friends.

1. Nada was irresponsible and disorganized in life. Dont expect to find

anything different in death.

Her things will be haphazard. Important papers or her final wishes will

not be where you can find them. Her bills and personal affairs will not

be in order.

Breathe. You are not responsible to make it all right. You may take on

the role of fiduciary for her estate or not. It will take you at least

a year to settle it, walk , don t run.

You are not responsible for her debts. If you are the fiduciary, you are

responsible for distributing what she had among who she owes. This

includes you. As fiduciary, you may pay yourself a reasonable hourly

rate , out of the estate, for the time you spend sorting, cleaning,

running errands, going to the courthouse, ect.

The first 2 priorities for her money are taxes, and you. Pay yourself

out of her money each day you do anything, and keep records of it. Once

you are named fiduciary, you can sign her name to her checks and act in

full power of attorney. If you pay taxes, and pay yourself for your

time, and there is no money left, then the fools who extended her credit

got screwed . Not your problem.

2. You are NOT responsible to track down anyone she may have owed. If

bills come in the mail, put them together and wait. Do not start paying

anyone anything. You can make up a form letter stating that she is

deceased and they will be contacted once her estate is settled. If the

estate is very limited you may so state, and some creditors, hospitals,

collection agencies, ect, may simply write it off as bad debt and never

contact you again.

Do NOT tell anyone who may have been a flying monkey any GD thing! I

had a niece of nada , also a FM take it on herself to track down someone

who nada owed 1500 bucks to , just to make sure he knew. I asked her if

she intended to pay it herself. And since she is probably BP too, and

has no money she said no. Then I said mind your own bucking fusiness.

The probate will put an ad in local papers about her estate, and it is

the responsibility of creditors to look for them and file a claim

against the estate if they wish to do so. If they do not, and the court

releases the estate, and you distribute the money , and they come around

19 months later, well, foo triggin bad.

3. Noting my rude remark to the FM neice, while dealing with all this,

and the shock and grief, people will cut you a lot of slack because your

Mom just died and you are grieving. So, do NOT be nice. Call a friggin

spade a friggin spade. Let yourself live. Tell people to their face to

mind the own bucking fusiness. To rude and snoopy questions, don t

hesitate to say go screw yourself.

It will feel SOOOO good, you will totally love it. Especially you will

love it with nada s flying monkeys. And later, you can say, really? I

said that. Those months are a fog to me now. I can remember much of

what I said and did. Then walk away smirking.

Do NOT miss your opportunity to do this. It is the best damn therapy you

ll ever get!

4. If anyone tries to pressure you to paying her bills, or threatens to

sue, see note 3 above, and tell them to go for it. You do not have to

pay a dime out of your own pocket, nor hurry to pay them before the

estate is settled. It will take you a year, I promise. Unless she owes

them a great deal of money, it s bluster. It will cost them more to sue

than they will ever get. The most they can practically do is file a

claim against the estate, with the probate court, who will then contact

you and say hey add this one to your list.

I truly enjoyed telling one such asshole, you guys gave credit to a 69

year old woman with a horrible credit rating, multiple leins and

bankruptcies, and a long history of non payment? What sort of frigging

idiot does that make you?

Again, dont forget rule 3 above!

5. You are responsible to God, and the clerk at the probate court for

your good faith efforts and being fair and equitable in paying filing

and settling. You are not responsible to tell another soul what you are

doing or where you are in the process.

6. You will grieve. I don t care how bad nada was, or how much relief

you feel at first. You have lost forever the hope that you will have a

normal mom, even for a day. It will hurt. You will grieve. Expect it.

7. You may rage. Find someone who will let you rage and vent, someone

you can trust and be assured of, and let that shit out. If you don t

have anyone close to do so with, do it here. We all understand.

8. You will find things that hurt you. She was who she was. You were

not as important as you should have been. It s not your fault. Sorry.

9. You do not have to open the funeral or service to anyone you don t

want their. It is not for her, if you are planning it, it is for you.

Do what you must to make it a time for you to begin to heal. To that

end, select a pastor, priest , or rabbi who knows YOU, understands your

struggles, and is there to comfort you, not to make you listen one more

friggin time to someone glow about the false face of nada they know.

10. You do not have to do ANY of this. You can simply walk away and say

Fuck it. You are not morally or legally required to do so. ( If the

Fuck it offends, I apologize. But Girlscout Cowboy, THIS is what you

get with the sailor unleashed! LOL )

Finally, be gentle with yourself. None of it was your fault. Forgive

yourself.

and do not hesitate to tell anyone , anytime, any place, Oh go Fuck

yourself.

Anyone else care to add to the list?

Doug

October 6, 2010

I'd like to add hire a lawyer immediately upon her death, let them scope out

reasonable cost for funeral/burial arrangements and let them fight for you for

what is yours and what isn't.Â Let them tell her flying monkey and lawyers that

you are claiming what is yours.Â Chances they are so confusedÂ about what is

going on themselves they will die of shock that you came out of the woodwork if

you were NC.Â THey will also probably also die of shock when they 'worked so

hard with nada' when they find out that the house that she left them is nothing

but owes a huge debt and the one thing that could help the estate is not

probatable belongs to the daughter who has lawyers who are filing for a

settlement for her as that they will have just enough to pay the bills but the

chuch won't get much at all!